HH Com 410 with a revised hook starting point

Everyone knows empaths don't dream.( your hook starts here--->) Reina Campbell hasn't dreamed since her empathic skills manifested when she was ten, but all that changes the night she dreams of her best friend's murder. (stop) It leaves her shaken, and when she finds Adri's body the next morning, mutilated almost beyond recognition, she's furious.(resume) She calls the police, but they shrug off the case and try to convince her that it was an animal attack. Reina knows better, and she's determined to find justice for her friend.

Unknown to Reina, Longan MacGregor, a centuries-old sire vampire, is just as desperate to find the killer as she is. When their investigations repeatedly put them in one another's way, the two reluctantly decide to join forces.(stop) As they grow closer to one another, they also come closer to finding the killer, a vampire from Longan's past whom he hasn't seen in nearly four hundred years. The reunion isn't a happy one, and it ends with Reina captured and Longan desperate to find her before she's killed -- or worse, turned and bound to the one man Longan hates over all others.

You have the two main characters. Then you blather off into the antagonist through the viewpoint of the main characters. What does the antagonist want to accomplish? He's in it for something other than being just a bad guy in the novel, right? What's HIS motivation?

Here's your hook starting point:

X is the main guy; he wants to do:
Y is the bad guy; he wants to do:
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don't solve Q, then R starts and if they do it's L squared.


shannon said...

These two paragraphs read like they're for two different books. Maybe it works, maybe it's great, but it really did seem to be going in one direction at first then turn a sharp corner, dive underground and get all ... vampire-y.

What is the relevance of her being an empath? How important is Adri's death? Going by the second paragraph, they fall by the wayside. Is her empathetic ability (something that truly fascinates me) key to dealing with the killer vampire (something that interests me less)?

I've read some excellent books whose characters were empathetic or variations of. It's a big theme to take on, and here it seems cluttered by all the vampire stuff. I can't help but feel there are two perfectly good ideas here, merged into one, and I can't help wondering if they're compatible or not. This synopsis doesn't convince me.

Angus Weeks said...

I found myself confused by your first two sentences. You say empaths don't dream, then you say your main character is an empath, and she has a dream. You don't explain this contradiction anywhere in the hook.

You either need to explicate the reason (if it's implicit, I didn't pick it up) or remove the first sentence entirely, as Miss Snark suggests.

xiqay said...

I don't read this type of story, but I kind of like this one based on the hook.

I like the idea of the two MCs bumping into each other and getting into each other's ways.

I agree with both Shannon and Angus Weeks--you need some clarity about the empath and her abilities, situation, relevance of her ability.

Good luck.