HH Com 411

Most Glendtish girls dream of being empress, of hair decorated with jewels, and of divinely given power. Dylanna Lyn dreams of piracy and revolution. (Miss Snark's kind of girl).

She doesn’t know that in five hundred years historians will study her, priests and priestesses will revere her, and skeptics will doubt her existence. All Dylanna knows is that she wants out of Glendt fast before she’s forced into prostitution or her heretical beliefs land her in jail. And to get out, she needs to steal a ship or seduce a sailor. Preferably both. EYES OF THE OCEAN is her story.

You've got the main character and her motivation. I like them both.
You're missing all the rest. I'd send this back in that dreaded SASE cause I need to know the rest before I want to read things.


Ski said...

OK, I have to know what this girl's done so that 500 years later everyone in world has opinion about her. For me that was the most interesting part. Good Luck.


Miss Snark loved it - and still sent a rejection. Here's my new excuse why 22 agents have said no to my MS. They probably loved it too, it just wasn't right for them. Hey...it could happen.

the author said...

Too short and sweet. Darn. I can't say I didn't see that coming, which I guess means I learned something. Hmm... Thanks, Miss Snark! (BTW, Dylanna would definitely approve of the snarkiness.)

LOL at the "not right for them." Yeah, I'm gonna use that as my excuse too. Thanks.

shannon said...

I was a little confused by this one - I don't know what "Glendtish" is (and in an effort to be pro-active I googled it and got this same query letter on Writers Net, so I'm going to go with "fictional") but I thought it was the start of a fantasy. If it is, I'm interested, I like fantasy that moves away from the whole LOTR thing.

But I agree with Ski and Snark, there's not enough info here. There's the big clue that she does something major with her life, otherwise why would they worship her in the future, but what is the relevance of that to the NOW of the story? Apart from get us curious, but please, give us more! So, she's a heretic, and she's poor or she wouldn't be worried about going into prostitution. Tell me what happens after she seduces a sailor and sails away. Tell me how she changed the world. THAT is what makes this interesting!

A Paperback Writer said...

I like the idea. I think everyone's right; it's just too short of a hook. Tell me more -- because I like what I've read so far.

Inkwolf said...

I agree with the previous posters: sounds good so far, but doesn't tell quite enough. Pirate chicks are always good, though!! Always, always!

On the other hand, I seem to read a lot of things where girls start adventures by trying to avoid prostitution. Might be better to put more stress on the heresy angle.

heidi said...

Hooked me, but yes, it's lacking a lot of info. Unless you have a track record, I, too, would be skeptical about asking for pages. You don't give us any clue as to whether or not you can draft a plot, but you do have a good idea.

You've got an inciting incident: get out of town or suffer nasty consequenses. But once she does that (and I expect her to be gone from Glendt by chapter two at the latest), I want to know what happens next. What's at stake then that will keep me interested for another twenty chapters? That's what you've neglected to tell us.

It's gotta be something interesting, as she becomes a big historical figure.

Don't make me have to ask for a synopsis. Give me enough hints of the story that I want to go straight to chapter one.

Virginia Miss said...

Author, I really like your writing. The hook reads well, so I suggest you keep what you have and just add a bit after "preferably both" so that we understand the main conflict. Can you give us a thumbnail sketch of a horrid antagonist?

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that an agent wouldn't at least ask for a synopsis on this one. Gilrs that want to pirate and steal ships, that's a new one. You hooked me. Good luck with this.