HH Com 427

I am looking for representation for my paranormal suspense manuscript, Deadworld, complete at 118,000 words. A dark story with troubled characters, it offers a different twist on the vampire mythology, a subtler version, where blood is both the source of life and power for those afflicted.

(hook starts here)
Hard-nosed FBI agent Jackie Rutledge isn’t a stranger to ghosts, ESP, and other paranormal oddities. After all, her partner Laurel, has the unique gift of sensing dead people. Vampires are an entirely different matter. When a twelve-year-old boy turns up dead in a local park, completely drained of blood, Jackie suspects Nick Anderson, PI, may be a vampire intent on repeating a gruesome series of murders. Spiraling close to a nervous breakdown when Laurel is murdered, Jackie is left alone in deciphering the bizarre crimes.

It soon becomes evident that while Nick is a vampire, he’s not the murderer. Instead, he’s the victim of an age-old vendetta perpetrated by another vampire, Cornelius Drake, whose powers are drawn from the world of the dead. In order to even have a chance against Drake, Jackie must put all of her fears aside and ally with Nick. When they are trapped by him in a burning funeral home, she must allow Nick to consume her blood so they can escape to Deadworld. Here, Nick once again has to accept the sacrifice of his long lost wife in order to put this ancient horror to rest and keep him and Jackie from becoming the latest additions to Deadworld.

You're focused on what happens and it's so run of the mill I'm not even tempted to shiver. You can use vampires, and write vampire stories all you want but you have to have a story (overcoming an age old vendetta is a motivation not a story) and you have to give it something fresh and new. Same old, same old, even for the undead, doesn't work.


Anonymous said...

Crazy thought: What if Nick the Vampire has an enormous inferiority complex and feels just terrible about hurting people? What if he succumbs to animal blood to stay half alive? I'm thinking raccoon, chipmunk, miniature Schnauzer, etc.

Cornelius wants Nick gone because the animal-sucker is an embarrassment. His wife, on the other hand, reveals she is oddly turned on and wants to get some pet ferrets.

You get the idea. Fresh means let your imagination wander and see what happens? Don't be (too) afraid to get creative.

good luck.

December Quinn said...

...it offers a different twist on the vampire mythology, a subtler version, where blood is both the source of life and power for those afflicted.

That's not new or different. Most vampire books use blood as a source of both life and power.

However, the "deadworld" thing, and the idea that vamps can only get there and take people with them when they feed, is something I've never heard or read anywhere.

Focus on blood as the means of travel between worlds, not blood as a source of power, and you've got a new twist.

MWT said...

Anonymous at the first comment: that thought has been done before. A lot. Such as Angel in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel tv series.

Also, while it's not the most common character archetype among roleplayers playing vampire characters, it's not uncommon either.

Anonymous said...

This is virtually the pilot episode for Forever Knight. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103417/
PI Nick Anderson instead of cop vampire Nick Knight, Corny Drake (gosh, is he related to Drac?) instead of Lucian LaCroix, right down to the building's on fire, drink the chick's blood so you can save everyone. Oh--hey, they did THAT in the 1st Blade movie, too.

This editor strongly suggests the writer read and watch something else besides paranormal books and vampire vids.

Anonymous said...

"Jackie is left alone in deciphering the bizarre crimes."

No, she's left alone TO decipher the bizarre crimes.

MS doesn't comment on grammar, esp. in hooks, but editors like the ones who blog about working for Tor say that "misuse of language" is a major reason for tossing a pitch letter into its SASE without reading pages.