12.26.2006

HH Com 431

Kyle dismisses the rumors about the Empty Hearts kidnapping children to exploit their shaping powers. But when a murder investigation erroneously connects him to the elusive group, he must uncover their plans and expose the threat not only to himself, but to the very fabric of reality.

With his hundredth birthday and the deadline for choosing a society around the corner, Kyle knows the enforcers are monitoring him. Devoted to hiding shaper existence from the "normals," the enforcers maintain a brutal regime of secrecy. The oldest shapers cause the most problems, their sanity melted away by the centuries, but a strange, deadly explosion that makes the local news thrusts Kyle to the center of the enforcers' investigation. His only hope of clearing himself is to pierce the shroud of mystery around the Empty Hearts and reveal their true purpose.

The search pushes Kyle to his limits, taxing his skills of shaping spacetime and confronting him with his own dark past. With his safety on the line and the lives of the stolen children in the balance, Kyle must stop the Empty Hearts before all existence unravels.

"Dreams of a Shaper" is a 70,000 word science fiction novel, blending familiar, present day settings with the strange, insular world of the shapers.


Who's the bad guy? What does he want?
What does Kyle want?

Start there, then fill in with the plot. Your second paragraph is a string of sentences that don't connect:

With his hundredth birthday and the deadline for choosing a society around the corner, Kyle knows the enforcers are monitoring him.

Devoted to hiding shaper existence (which relates to neither Kyle nor the enforcers as far as we know) from the "normals,"(who?) the enforcers maintain a brutal regime of secrecy.

The oldest shapers cause the most problems (which relates to this how??), their sanity melted away by the centuries, but a strange, deadly explosion that makes the local news thrusts Kyle to the center of the enforcers' investigation. (of what?)


His only hope of clearing himself is to pierce the shroud of mystery around the Empty Hearts (which is the shape shifters I'm guessing but in your first sentence it's unclear who has the power-Empty Heart or the children) and reveal their true purpose.

This is a mess.

4 comments:

Inkwolf said...

I'm not quite sure what your Shapers actually do, and without that information, nothing makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Before you get mad about the purple ink all over your "hook", notice how much MS just helped you out. There are a gazillion people out there who complain about impersonal form letters. It doesn't get any better than this.

Count your blessings, and good luck.

MWT said...

I had to read the first couple paragraphs three times, but I think what the author means is that the Shapers are capable of reshaping the fabric of reality.

And the only reason I got to that conclusion is because I've played Mage: the Ascension. (At which point "the oldest shapers" with "their sanity melted away" are probably Nephandi.)

JC said...

As the author of the hook, thanks for the input. Both Miss Snark's critique and the comments here are hugely valuable. It's made clear that things I thought I implied just aren't there--adequate information about what shapers are and character motivation.

anonymous: No worries about getting mad. I knew what I was signing up for when I submitted, and although it isn't exactly fun, I'm glad I did.