12.26.2006

HH Com 438

He calls himself “M” for many reasons. It’s a nice balanced letter, for one thing, strong and firmly planted, rock-steady with its tripod construction.

M’s job is to find the girl and kill her...

On a weekend visit, Brittney Ryan stumbles upon a horrifying secret at her former foster father's house. Her life is in jeopardy. She runs away to brave it alone, and turns to "lingerie modeling" in an effort to gain enough money for passage to California and an anonymous existence. Her older sister (and now legal guardian), Leitha, shows up on private investigator Nicholas Colt's doorstep, fearful Brittney will be forced back into foster care if the police are involved. A former runaway himself, Colt has a soft spot for wayward teens. He'll do anything he can to keep an otherwise good kid out of the criminal justice system.

Colt agrees to take the case.

M is not far behind.


The first two sentences are good, the last two are terrific. You've got claptrap in the middle: a mixture of cliches and howlers. Focus on M and Colt. Everyone else is just decoration.

7 comments:

Jude Hardin said...

Thank you, Miss Snark. The novel is 90% finished, and I'll be querying soon. Now I know to focus on the opposing forces.

Much appreciated!

Anonymous said...

She's right. You've struck gold in the open and ending. I would read it because I'd suspect you could write well, but were unsure of what a hook sounded like. Smooth it out and strive for clarity.

good luck.

Steve Axelrod said...

Even if you extend the middle v of a freestanding M to the ground, the three supports will just line up in a row. A straight line is not a tripod. This lack of basic physical awareness raises a red flag with me. Triangles occur often in fiction (especially where romance is involved). Learning to recognize them would be a smart move.

Anonymous said...

He calls himself “M” for many reasons.

I read this as a James Bond reference.

Anonymous said...

That was my thought, Anon 2. Does he call himself "M" because he's the head of MI6?

Anonymous said...

Underage lingerie model? Tough guy with a soft spot for teen girls? Squick.

alternatefish said...

K, my first "M" thought was the Peter Lorre move from the early 30s, especially since he has to kill a girl...

Anyway, for me the writing is strong but I'm not sold on the storyline... I'd pick it up in a bookstore based on the writing and premise though.

Good luck querying!