HH Com 442

In THE LEFT-HANDED FAMILY financial circumstances force Bill Mint, cordial bank robber and avowed technophobe, into a lucrative high-tech bank heist. He has no idea he's about to risk everything that means anything to him—his professionalism, his freedom and, most of all, his marriage.

A childless couple, Bill and his wife, Rita, are closing in on their golden years. Unfortunately they just lost a lifetime of stolen money in the so-called legitimate stock market.

To help with their high-tech heist Bill recruits Kasper, an immature and aimless computer hacker fresh out of the federal pen. Against his better judgment (but with Rita's maternal blessing), Bill takes on Lucy, an attractive yet unstable bank teller, as their inside woman.

Soon both "kids" have moved in with the Mints. The heist is running smoothly, ridiculous amounts of money are flowing into off-shore accounts, and everything's as cozy as a Home Sweet Home needlepoint—until weakness, deceit and betrayal shred their makeshift

Meanwhile, a bank doesn't leak money for long without someone noticing....

You're spending too much time on the set up and not getting to the important stuff. The important stuff is "the kids moved in". Everything else is windup.

And who's the bad guy? Or is it one of the kids??


LindaBudz said...

I kinda like this premise.

But: Your reference to the "so-called legitimate stock market" took me out of the hook in a big way. Are you assuming that everyone thinks the stock market is not legit? (If so, think again.) Or do you create an illegitimate stock market in your story? (If so, I think I'd want that to be clearer.)

Actually, the reference to the stock market probably isn't germaine to the hook anyway, so you'd probably be better off just dropping it.

Good luck with your story!

McKoala said...

Bill Mint? As in 'making a mint'?!

chad said...

Thank you oh wise and powerful Ms. Snark. I shall snip and clip accordingly. A thousand blessing upon you for the work you do.

And mckoala, Mint as in making money and as in cool.

lindabudz, I think you're right about the reference. It confuses the issue. The gag is in the notion that he lost stolen money by cleaning it in the stock market.

M. G. Tarquini said...

He has no idea he's about to risk everything that means anything to him—his professionalism, his freedom and, most of all, his marriage.

If he's about to commit a felony, how can he not realize that he risks everything? His professionalism goes out the window the moment he contemplates the crime. He must know if he gets caught that his freedom is next and that it might put a strain on his marriage.

You could leave out that whole sentence and it would strengthen the hook. Good luck with this!

chad said...

m.g., point taken.

The risk for him is not in the crime but in the way he approaches the crime (old school vs. high-tech). I need to find to a way to spell that out.

I do think there needs to be some sort of declaration of the risks at hand, but you may be right--the sentence needs work.

Thanks for the feedback!

Michele said...

Chad - regarding the sentence. I liked it in general, but I'd think that anyone doing a bank heist realizes they're risking freedom. Perhaps leave it at professionalism and marriage? But I'd like to see how both professionalism and marriage are threatened. Neither is clear from the hook.

MWT said...

The heist is running smoothly ... until weakness, deceit, and betrayal shred their makeshift family.

What weakness? What deceit? What betrayal? This would be where the hook starts getting interesting. Be specific.

Anonymous said...

My husband is Bill. His first wife was Rita. His second wife (me) is Lucy.

Bill says he wants royalties when this is published.

chad said...

Lucy -- I actually did LOL when I read your post.

The way things are going with agents and this manuscript...don't bank on seeing publishing royalties any time soon!