HH Com 444

Bobbi Jo, a sassy, young Southern girl just wants to help get the family pig farm back. She mistakenly determines the loss her fault because, as Bobbi Jo's grandmother so regularly points out, brazen girls always bring trouble. She sets to figure out a way to save the farm by improving herself and turns to facile Southern advice and virtue for guidance. Unfortunately, things like a younger brother, small town hypocrisy and a traveling evangelist with an appetite for sin keep getting in the way of Bobbi Jo fixin' her mouthy ways. When Bobbi Jo's oddball, big-city aunt swoops into town to save the day, discretely buried family issues surge to the front of family politics and the adults must elect to deal with their issues in order to combat country gossip, save a little girl and teach Bobbi Jo the value of family.

You've got too many events. Focus. She wants the pig farm back. Who's keeping it from her? PETA? What does becoming less mouthy have to do with getting back to hog heaven?


Dave said...

This is like Auntie Mame meets the Beverly Hillbillies.

That could be fun.

Anonymous said...

Lessons I'm adding to my permanent "don't" list, based on the Crapstravagana so far:

Don't use the word "proverbial" in a hook, query, synopsis or pitch. It's almost always incorrect. Even when used right, it's a Cliche Classic.

Don't use the word "unfortunately" to signal a twist. Just describe the damn twist. (Go ahead, count how often it has been used so far in the Crapalog, and how rarely it does anything good for the hook.)

This really *is* like going back to school.

McKoala said...

Maybe it's not focused enough, but I like the sound of it. Bring on the pigs!

xiqay said...

I was liking this all the way to the aunt saving the day.

I just don't like adults coming in to save kids. Maybe Dave's idea, that this is an Auntie Mame character, would make it work for me (since I love Auntie Mame), but I'm not sure.

I get that Bobbi Jo is sassy and brazen and told so often that she'll bring trouble that she believes it, so when trouble finds her family and they lose the pig farm, Bobbi Jo assumes it's her fault.

I get that she's got adversity in trying to get it back. BUT-Probably needs some money, so her solutions don't sound all that realistic.

The traveling evangelist with an appetitie for sin is cliche (and also true, but...)

All in all, though, I think it sounds like it could be fun.

so good luck.

Anonymous said...

I like the pigs more than the people. Your Southern characters are little more than stereotypes, and not even well-disguised ones.

Tell me again how Southerners aren't "mouthy" and I'll have them all line up on your porch and demonstrate the virtues of "brazen," one by facile one.

The only belles left earn a tall six-figure income - - FROM A HUSBAND, honey, not some damn pigs!

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me it's from the young girl's POV, and it's only her impression that her bad behavior brought around the threat to the farm. So, good behavior can bring it back. I get it, and like it. However, how young is she? I understand how someone can get this worldview into their heads, but the practical reasons have got to permeate her view and get involved somehow. Don't they?

writtenwyrdd said...

She actually wants the pig farm back? Have you ever smelled one? I'd be screaming Halleliuiah and running off with my hair on fire to the big city.

Other than that, it does sound like it could work. I picture an amusing, breezy style that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Inkwolf said...

The comments seem sorta harsh on this one...I thought it sounded cute. :)

Anonymous said...

Get someone to proof anything you send out to publishing people. This is full of grammar and punctuation errors.