12.26.2006

HH com 448

Galen Stengels has a personal vendetta against the serial killer stalking women in Phoenix. The carnage reminds him too much of his kid sister's murder years ago. He's determined to capture the butcher he's dubbed "The Quack" before another life is destroyed, another family. Then, a mystery woman survives an attack, and her allure blended with menace plunge the investigation into disarray.

Rightfully acquitted of a felony crime, Shonna Evans fell in love with a ruthless powerhouse whose attorneys won her case. He charmed her; then he groomed Shonna for vigilante extremism. Sickened by what she's become, deserting his underground organization is risky business but it's her only option to find redemption, to lead a normal life. But when Shonna botched her last assignment and she became the prey, all bets are off.

On opposing sides of the law, Galen and Shonna prove an old adage: opposites attract. But when lust turns to love, can Galen turn a blind eye to her past while a killer stalks her? And, are Shonna's revenge and flight schemes formulas for disaster?


Vigilantes, vendettas and serial killers oh my!

It's not clear to me how Shonna and Galen cross paths, unless you mean Sonna is the serial killer.

There are entirely too many things going on here for any degree of clarity. Focus.

10 comments:

angie said...

I hope you have an extremely compelling reason for calling the serial killer "the Quack." I can't help but imagine death by pecking and it seems silly.

There's not enough info here for me to figure out what's up with Shonna - what crime did she get acquitted for, and what's the motivation for this "ruthless powerhouse" to turn her into a vigilante?

Sorry, but I'm just having trouble understanding what exactly is happening here and what the focus of the story line is. I'm sure you know this info - finding a way to convey it clearly will go a long way to making this hook more effective.

Anonymous said...

I can't get past the names. Galen Stengels is just too silly sounding. Then--"the quack"??? I was laughing. But the rest of the hook didn't seem to be going for comedy.

Dave Kuzminski said...

Aflac! ;)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like some commenters are a little young. Since I'm of the "older" set, I'm gathering the author is referring to a quack "doctor" unless I'm mistaken. Let's hear it from the oauthor.

marlene said...

One other thing, from an oldster, what's the problem with names? Who cares what the character names are? They are subject to change, aren't they, same as a title?
--
marlene

Anonymous said...

As the author of this work, thank you, Marlene, for your perception. And anonymous, you're right about names--I made them up just for the crapometer. But who would care anyway--of course, unless they're the editor buying the ms. %o
--
mary

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the "why care about names" comments. Names help set the scene. Sometimes they tell us something about the character's upbringing, time and/or place. Sometimes they nudge us toward genre (some names are typical for romance novels, for example). And, when poorly chosen, names can distract. A hook is about making an impression. Character names are part of that impression.

Anonymous said...

V for Vendetta meets Criminal Minds.

Lose the powerhouse, the lawyers, the secret organization stuff.

Try having a woman who IS a kick-ass heroine all on her own. She survives the attack and decides to go after the big bad without any XY chromosome help.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice Anonymous, but I don't believe my hook mentioned anything about asking for ANYONE's help.
--
mary

Anonymous said...

There are a ton of grammar and punctuation errors in this one short hook.