12.16.2006

HH Com 45

Mrs. Bonaparte is the mother of five nearly grown children. After filling her days with television and jelly doughnuts, she concludes it's time to reconcile her role as mother with the other part of her.the person she also knows she is, but never has had time for. Seeing this as a metamorphosis, she sets out to find whether she can jump-start her transformation.
In the meantime one of her son's brazenly drops out of school. The other embarks on a cross-country train journey to make an apology to Maria Paradiso - a girl he met briefly at his sister's college he thinks he may be in trouble for stalking. Although no one knows it, Bobbie's brother Tobias, is driving to see sister who has sent him a disturbing letter. (Little to nothing is known about the fifth and the oldest child Hunter, except that no one knows where he is and the family does not to talk about him).
Meanwhile, Mr. Bonaparte, a local policeman, has befriended Gunner Stokes, a onetime jazz virtuoso, and former convict. While waiting for her transformation, and her children, Officer Bonaparte and Gunner run the streets of Denver with their newly assumed identities, Pancho and Lefty.


And why would I want to read about this crew of miscreants?
Focus on one person. Figure out why they are interesting.

11 comments:

Calamity Jane said...

Get a critique group. You need some help on basics like punctuation. You can't showcase your writing when you don't know that using " 's " denotes a possessive, not a plural.

beth said...

The other embarks on a cross-country train journey to make an apology to Maria Paradiso - a girl he met briefly at his sister's college he thinks he may be in trouble for stalking.

What a brilliant way to convince her she's not being stalked.

Anonymous said...

Er, as as the mother of four children, I have to say that either Mrs. Bonaparte is related to the Incredibles, or this is meant to be very, VERY tongue-in-cheek. Trust me, NO ONE with five kids has time to sit around eating jelly doughnuts and gawking at TV all day.

Anonymous said...

"her son's brazenly?" What's a brazenly?

;)

Anonymous said...

Uh... try focusing as well on grammar. Because this is a GRAMMAR NIGHTMARE.

Anonymous said...

An art critic would rate this as "too busy."

HawkOwl said...

First, I don't think this is well written, and second, there's nothing happening and I don't care who it's not happening to.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Is the one son stalking a college or a woman?

shannon said...

I couldn't get past the first paragraph. What am I supposed to understand from "she concludes it's time to reconcile her role as mother with the other part of her. the person she also knows she is, but never has had time for."

Aside from the bad grammar and clunky flow, I was expecting this to lead up to something like she's really Empress Joesphine stuck in a time travel-warp thingy with her husband... which would have been a joke, obviously.

Is she the most interesting character? Is she the focal character? Does she propell the story forward? As is, the kids sound more interesting, and I only skimmed the rest.

Follow Miss Snark's advice, and start over.

Anonymous said...

"(Little to nothing is known about the fifth and the oldest child Hunter, except that no one knows where he is and the family does not to talk about him)."

THEN he shouldn't even be a character in the story! Hunter should be in the story for a reason, for conflict, for his relationships; otherwise, nix him. You either spend time developing his role in relation to his mother or you get rid of him.

A fully developed story with mom and five kids and their own subplots is a lot to handle. Cut the dead weight in order to focus on the characters you absolutely love and want to see great things happen to. Otherwise, if you don't love Hunter, the readers won't either. Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

I think the hook is lacking, but it could work on some level if there was something tying them all together. Is their only conncetion that they are related?