HH Com 450 (#449 is shopping the after hols sales at Bloomingdales)

Zahrah watched her chance at happiness leak away with the last breath Charles breathed. So she rode into Wyoming Territory on her own, looking for his son. Instead she found a Mongolian girl beaten almost senseless. Zahrah questioned her own motives as she hauled the girl up onto her horse. At least the girl could ride.

Maire closed the preacher’s door to the sound of her daughter’s wailing. She’d convinced herself leaving the child with a friend was the only way to save her. She headed West, watched babies and women die in childbirth and men die shooting themselves. She was good with the horses and earned her place on the Mormon wagon train. Hokalah, a Lakota whose angry silence created a distance comfortable only to her, proved her worth as a healer to both human and horse.

Independence wasn’t just a dream for women in the Wyoming Territory in 1870. There were only a thousand women there, but they could vote. Could an ex-slave, a Mongolian, a Lakota, and an Irish girl create community to insure their freedom? Horses were their common language and would prove both a bane and a blessing.

I'm not sure what this is. I know what it's not: a hook.

Independence isn't just voting. It's being able to own land and enter into contracts without needing a man to co-sign.

Get out the Hook Me Up Starting Point (here) and start over.


Anonymous said...

You probably have a story here, but I'm hearing the story-with-a-moral-message bell clanging out of control. Sharpen it up to find out if this is about the characters or what you want to say to the world.

good luck

Anonymous said...

I was thrown by the "Mongolian girl" reference. I thought we were in North America?

My knowledge of Mormon wagon trains is spotty, but I am pretty sure women didn't just hire on. And I know that the supplies, oxen and wagons were mostly bought by a few of the wealthier Mormons who liquidated their assets, so it wasn't exactly an individualistic society as much as it was a cult.

You don't just join up as a woman with that kind of male-dominated group.

BEsides all that stuff, I am not sure what your story is about. You mention a lot of circumstances and people, no crisis.

Alissa said...

Also, you mean "ensure their freedom," not "insure their freedom." Unless these women actually are purchasing policies?

Anonymous said...

"leak away with the last breath Charles breathed."

:Tired editor blinks a few times over that mix (a leak implies dribbling liquid, breathing inidicates air) and reaches for the SASE.:

shannon said...

For a start, you need to mention the period (1870) at the start, because it was rather confusing without that grounding at the beginning.

You jump from Zahrah to Maire and at first I didn't notice the character had changed, and was confused. What is their connection? Apart from being able to ride. Why did she leave her child? What was she trying to "save her" from? I'm sure it's all clear in your heard but it's not coming across.

The other commenters have good points. This needs a lot of work 'cause at the moment it's just a big fat stereotype, perpetuating all the myths I have in my head about the American West in the cowboy days.