12.26.2006

HH Com 465

Life is being anything but fair to sixteen-year-old Erin Archer just lately. She’s spent the last twelve years training to become a ballerina, only to have her left knee crushed in an accident. Then just when it’s back in some semblance of working order, she has a magical allergic reaction to her pain medication that nearly kills her. And when she goes to her cousin for help, she ends up being dragged into a magical world, complete with fairies and unicorns…who treat her like dirt just because she’s human. Add to that a troublesome ghost, a subversive political group, a forbidden marriage, and a few bloodthirsty monsters, and you’ve got all the makings of a really bad summer vacation….

Crush a knee, you'll never walk right again. You might give her something less horrifying; ligament damage or something.

You've got a lot of set up here but you're short on specifics. Find your focal point, then jete into the magic.

10 comments:

writtenwyrdd said...

Perhaps skip the intro and begin with, "Failed ballerina Erin Archer thought the pharmacist had screwed up her pain meds when she began to see fairies," or something. Jump us right into the "We are not in Kansas, Toto," mode.

This could be interesting, or it could be generic. I don't see what the book is about, just the bit before it starts.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

"a magical allergic reaction"

Can you give more detail on this, I'd like to know how magical this was.

Other than that, I like it!

jamiehall said...

You start out too slow for a hook, with too much character description and backstory. Then we suddenly get a gusher of plot points spewed out suddenly, in a jumbled rush. Quicken the slow part, and slow down the quick part. Then you'll have it in a more hook-like form.

Inkwolf said...

I would like to know more about plot, but must say that I'm already entertained by the description of a world of unicorns and pixies who say "There goes the neighborhood" instead of 'Behold the Chosen One!' when the humans turn up.

Good and original so far! Hope your plot stands up to the setup!

Ms. Librarian said...

I think I've read that book ...

skybluepinkrose said...

I was interested until the magic showed up; then it seemed to disconnect and skew into stock fantasy. But that may be the hook more than the book, because if you do something along the lines of what writtenwryd suggests, my reaction would be much more favorable.

skybluepinkrose said...

One other thought: Actress Jane Seymour was a ballerina who turned to acting when a knee injury ended her ballet hopes. For authenticity, see what you can find out about her kind of injury, which made ballet out of the question but hasn't incapacitated her.

katiesandwich said...

Faries, unicorns, and arranged marriage... Perhaps there's a better way to describe the fantasy element of this story. The stuff on this list is so, so cliche in the genre, and I would suspect that focusing on what's new and different instead will make the hook much more appealing to agents. Just my opinion, of course!

xiqay said...

Forbidden marriage at 16?

I'm outta here.

#465 said...

Thanks for the feedback, everyone (and most especially Miss Snark). After reading 400+ hooks and responses, I had a pretty good idea what sort of critic was coming, and I wasn't disappointed. =P Well, after all this the next rewrite ought to turn out a little better, right? *is hopeful*

---
"Forbidden marriage at 16?
I'm outta here."

It's not her marriage. It's a relative's (who is much older than 16).

"I think I've read that book ..."

That would be tricky, since it hasn't been published yet. So unless you've been hacking into my computer....