12.16.2006

HH Com 47

When you ask your new boyfriend what he does for a living the last thing you expect to hear is Challenger of the Faith, Tempter of Man, or Warden of Lost Souls and False Apostles. This, however, is the answer Lilly Danasha receives from her new boyfriend Luc. Lilly's never been quite sure what to believe when it comes to religion, but she's pretty sure this was never even one of the options.
Luc's claims become even more outrageous when he weaves a tale about Lucifer's revolt being an elaborate scheme orchestrated by God to weed out those who would betray him. After a long exile on earth, Luc finally gets fed up with being the bad guy. He chooses Lilly, a young woman with literary aspirations, to tell his tale and finally get his side of the story out there. Luc lays open the truth behind the Bible and what really happened in hopes of finding some relief from being hated by those who surround him.
India Wings is the story of a young woman who falls in love with a man who claims to be the most nefarious villain the world has ever known. You thought your man was bad, try dating Old Scratch himself.


This isn't bad as hooks go, but you've got two mutually exclusive ideas: "the most nefarious villain" and "tired of being the bad guy". This can work if India is the one who's puzzled by a what she "knows" and what she sees but setting it up like this is discombobulating.

Plus, this better be funny. I'm not taking anything that seriously explores Satan dating a girl to the market place.

16 comments:

Crystal Charee said...

This sounds bad. I mean, the devil is bad, m'kay? But this sounds like you're exploring the other side without being creepy.

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, I would second the query makes Satan look like an okay guy issue. I mean if it was all a plot by God to weed out the unfaithful, then really Satan was a good guy working for God. If he really rebelled and did Satan stuff afterwords, he would actually be a bad guy, but then why get tired of it? It's been thousands of years, you'd think he'd be sort of in the groove by now.

I'd say, if it isn't there already, explain the event that changes Satan's mind about mankind, or the status quo or whatever and makes him decide to tell his story, and throw in a couple of archangels that want to stop him from screwing everything up, and you could have yourself a romantic comedy version of paradise lost.

Otherwise it sounds sort of like Lucifer is hanging out with his girlfriend and bitching about getting a raw deal...

Crystal Charee said...

Woops. I meant, this sounds "good". Just woke up. Forgive.

Erin O'Brien said...

"I'm not taking anything that seriously explores Satan dating a girl to the market place."

If Satan asked me for a date at the marketplace, I'd put on a pair of red crotchless undies and be there faster than you can say trident.

Heidi Frost said...

Oh I dunno, I like the premise. I agree I think it should be humorous, and as a reader I'd like this if it were focused on the characters and not so much the theological stuff. The theology makes for a good backdrop, and mixing serious and funny there would be awesome. From this hook I am a little unclear what the focus is, but I'd open the book to the first page if I were in a bookstore.

MDavis said...

Yeah and "Satan setting the record straight in a modern setting" was done just a few years ago (and so well) by Glen Duncan in I, Lucifer.

Anonymous said...

I bought I, Lucifer. I haven't been ablt to get past the first 10-20 pages. It seems to have a lot more of the theological in it, and as I don't come from a religous home I don't have the knowledge to make much sense of it. Yeah, I know most of what happens in the Bible, I don't live in a hole under a rock, but I don't know specifics and it seems like Glen Duncan keeps making references to things that I just don't get. So far it's been like listending to a conversation with an in-joke I haven't been let in on.

Also it seems to...the best description I can think of is be written with a heavy hand. Were it a little lighter and a little less about theology details I think I would have liked it more.

Does it get better? Should I try and muddle my way through, or do you think I would just keep feeling the same way?

Literary Aspirations said...

Thank you for taking the time to do the HHCoM. I am really glad I decided to participate. I am extatic that my first attempt at writing a hook "isn't bad as hooks go." The things pointed out make me see how I could make this better. I hadn't thought to point out whether this was something serious or comedic. I think I just assumed that's the kind of thing I would talk about later in the querry letter, but I realize now not knowing sooner could a problem. Thanks for the help. Now when I put the final touches on the ms I'll have better luck when I send out query letters. Again, thank you for taking the time to do this. Happy Holidays, I hope when you are done with these you get some nice time for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't this an Evil Editor prompt at one point?

Anonymous said...

"He chooses Lilly, a young woman with literary aspirations, to tell his tale and finally get his side of the story out there."

What, he didn't think that Judith Regan could do it?

Oh, yeah, the Fired Thing. Never mind...

Xiqay said...

Hey, Anon --it reminded me of the EE prompt, too-where we describe a dinner with the parents and lovely daughter introduces her date, Mr. Satan himself.

Ski said...

I think the premise is good. I'm not so sure it has to be funny... If you can't write funny - don't try and make it a comedy. I'm under the impression that it's best to write the story you want to tell, not the story you think someone else wants to hear.

Rgds...........Ski

luna_the_cat said...

I got the impression that "the most nefarious villain the world has ever known" was the world's description of Lucifer, not his description of himself; he merely claimed to be, yes, THAT Lucifer, and the description is the assumption that goes with the identification. In that light, it works. However, the wording does leave people guessing a bit.

I think the story has potential, but it has to be done really, *really* well in order to claw its way out from under the other "takes" on Lucifer that are out there.

Anonymous said...

I swear this was an EE prompt once upon a time. No thanks.

Literary Aspirations said...

I don't read EE, so I don't know, it very well may have been. I, however, started working on this little over two years ago, so that's definitely not how I came up with it.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one that read that and thought that the guy was just nuts, and not big Luc himself? That would be kinda cool to read about, if she's dating a guy and he busts out with, "Hey, I'm Lucifer." What the hell would she say? Of course she'd try to get him to do magic etc... That could be cool. Just out of curiosity Literary Aspirations, is he the real deal like everyone is assuming, or is this a girl that got tangled up with a guy that has a problem?