12.27.2006

HH Com 476 (2 people got this number)

Someone or something has stolen the Water Sprite, one of the Four essential elements which keep the balance of all life in check. Enter Marjorie (with a J not a G, she considers a J to be far more refined), a frightfully polite English Uhoc, no relation whatsoever to Dragons, whose responsibility it is to guard said Water Sprite, a job she enjoyed as it gave her plenty of time to indulge in her passion for reading trashy novels and 'thinking'. Whilst in transit through the American Deep South, she is ambushed; 'tossed around like a spring salad,' and something extremely unpleasant and smelly makes off with her charge.

Befriended by Franklin, a chilled out, laid back Bull Frog, and Bill n' Nora, argumentative Crows, she sets out to hunt her assailant armed with a Tea Pot and the conviction that 'the pen is mightier than the sword'.

But can it 'spear' Puetress, the monstrous terror who is now in possession of the Water Sprite and summons Hurricanes and Tornadoes to wreck chaos upon the land?


I've been briskly informed in a previous comment trail that it's "wreak" havoc (and thus also chaos) not wreck but other than that, what's not to love about this.

There's a lot that's not-quite-right about this, but it's charming and funny. And "extremely unpleasent and smelly" is my kind of villain.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not that this follows any of the rules for a hook. And it's way too twee for my tastes.

Anonymous said...

I'd try to pare down some of your sentences -- I got hung up on their length.

Inkwolf said...

I bet there's a Tempest in that Tea Pot...

Sounds intriguing! :)

Anonymous said...

Shorten some sentences, please, but this definitely appeals to my sense of the cheerfully bizarre. ;-) Can Will Smith play a part in the movie?

Virginia Miss said...

I found this delightful but confusing, although after reading it a second time it all made sense.

Prune some of your excess words to make it a bit more readable. For example, use either "chilled out" or "laid back" to describe the frog, not both.

I love the way you describe the protag.

I get the impression this is astringent enough to cut the sweetness. Do we get to read pages?

Bella Stander said...

Way too twee for me too; also confusing. Why the quotes for "tossed around like a spring salad"? And since when is Marjorie ever spelled with a "g"?

Luc2 said...

It just sounds like plain fun. I'm curious about the pages.

~Nancy said...

Sounds like a lot of fun.

I think I would cut some of the sentences, as a couple of them were unwieldy.

Also, I'd never heard of Marjorie ever hving a "g" instead of a "j"; I assume the author is from England or Canada (because he/she used "whilst") where maybe it can be spelled differently?

~JerseyGirl

writtenwyrdd said...

After reading this a couple times I'm still confused. Doesn't mean it couldn't be good; but I can't tell from the mishmash of characters and new ideas you thrust in my face here.

Trim out what isn't absolutely necessary and add back in some of the intriguing things (like being armed with a tea pot).

Sounds promising.

BernardL said...

Sorry, but the only word I could think of with this is absurd, and not in any funny way. It's missing a hook which makes the reader want to suspend reality to take a look, at least this reader. :)

batgirl said...

Marjorie has a 'g' when it's spelled Margery. There's more differences, but I suppose that must be the key one.

alternatefish said...

I'd read this in a heartbeat. Its offbeat-ness vaguely reminds me of the Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C. Wrede.

Though pare the writing down a bit. The second sentence ("Enter Marjorie..") was especially hard to read.