HH Com 486

Alicia Elluci, robber of the family estate and daughter to the worst of man, has finally had her resources exhausted. She seeks refuge in the small town of Korryn and finds sanctuary in the center of a war. Kerutan has declared the king's claim to the throne illegitimate and is invading from the west. Osin, defender of the crown, has had his army strategically cut off and is struggling to stay alive. Alicia's own survival is further complicated when she is thrown in the middle of a volatile relationship – a pair of dragons who, while once close, are now hunting each other. This triangle draws out Alicia's worst fears about herself while the enemy seeks to exploit them to break her waning sanity.

Too many people roaming around for any kind of focus or clarity. WTF is a "robber of the family estate" anyway??

I like the idea of sanctuary in the center of a war but the rest of this is mush.


Virginia Miss said...

Author, watch your passive voice. For example, "has finally had her resources exhausted" instead of "exhausted her resources". other examples: "has had his army cut off" "survival is further complicated" "is thrown in the middle"

And who the heck is Kerutan? Does he need to be named? If he's a rebel or a usurpur, maybe you could just refer to him that way.

author & sacrificial lamb #486 said...

"WTF is a "robber of the family estate" anyway"

As in, her family is well off and she has helped herself to some of their valuables. Maybe I missed the boat there if somenoe is reading it for the first time, but that's where my aim was.

alternatefish said...

I feel like I might like Alicia, if I get to know her.

This novel is Alicia's story, correct? The way you introduce Kerutan and Osin, using the same structure as you did with Alicia (and especially because your hook is so short), makes it seem like this might be a three-person novel. (you know, switching POV characters.)

If this novel is, as I suspect, Alicia's story, focus on her and introduce them in terms of their relationship to her and why they are important to her story.

Who is "the enemy?" Kerutan? Be more specific about the conflict. (Alicia's conflict.)

I would probably like this story if I knew more about it.

lamb 486 said...

Yes its Alicia's story, but I can see how one might think it focuses on 3. Thanks for the feedback.