12.27.2006

HH Com 496

One summer morning, Inspector Maruti enters a pet shop in a small Indian town to buy a scarlet macaw for his lover and finds the proprietress, Rani, dead with bullet wounds. A 250 year old tortoise, Drum, is missing and a pet crocodile, Swifty, suffers indigestion. Doctors remove the head of an illegal animal smuggler from Swifty's belly and rescue Drum from the duck pond.
Splat!
But the murderer's shoe, hid by a toy poodle, Tiny, does not match with the smuggler's shoe size. Red, the scarlet macaw, suddenly announces, "Chocolate, illicit affair." ZigZag, Rani's pet dog, made pregnant Chocolate, a police dog and hence the dog trainer lost his job. When Maruti confronts the dog trainer, he confesses he killed Rani. But his DNA does not match with the DNA collected from the squirrel Bunty who has attacked the murderer.

Red scrams, "130, Raja Towers" where a bomb has exploded a month earlier killing 100 people. Red says, "8.47, Beach" and next day bombs exploded in the train that started at 8.47 killing 500 people. A diamond in the belly of Silver, a fish, Chickoo, a chimpanzee and Mixie, a kitten, give clues to the hideout of the real killer. Before Maruti proceeds, Red chirps, "Madurai Meenachi temple" One million devotees are celebrating a festival in the Meenachi temple and Maruti finds the killer murdered in his hideout.

Red shouts, "Elephant, horse, mating snakes." Maruti has to break the message and save one million people. Can he? .



Despite its charm, this isn't a hook. You've got a good first paragraph. Then you splat off into events and it's unfocused and confusing. Start over.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I smell ESL. That's not bad necessarily, but the book had better be in the writer's first language or else edited mercilessly by a native speaker.

jamiehall said...

This is not a hook, it is a list of clues.

angie said...

There are way too many names to keep track of here. I would suggest cutting them waaaay back - 3 or 4 max. What started off as charming in the first paragraph became so complex and distracting by the second para that I couldn't follow the plot threads.

This could be a fun read.

Anonymous said...

Right, clues only. I sort of got lost in the mayhem, writer. I did like the first paragraph.

writtenwyrdd said...

This is a machine gun burst of information and I am left confused. I am not sure that the pregnant police dog has anything to do with anything, and I am not sure why you need to tell me why the cop is out to buy a Mackaw for his lover.

I think this could be an interesting story with some intriguing elements; but right now it is confusing.

Keep at it.

jeanne said...

You lost me at "Chocolate, illicit affair." Macaws mimic. I don't believe in a bird that says the above because I don't believe in a person SAYING, "illicit affair." Good idea, though, to have the macaw give clues.

smoakes said...

I got very confused about the names of the various animals. I had to read "ZigZag, Rani's pet dog, made pregnant Chocolate, a police dog and hence the dog trainer lost his job." four times before it made sense. It might be clearer if you said "A police dog named Chocolate" and "Rani's pet dog, ZigZag" etc.

Anonymous said...

Even if this is written by an author for whom English is a second language, the rules of good writing and grammar still apply.

While it's impressive to write in a language other than your first, you have to be just as adept in it as native speakers, or you won't get read, let alone published.

Get an English-speaker to review and fix everything you send out, or stick to your own language (which is fine, too).

Anonymous said...

Join writing groups. They will fix the errors for free. I got my novel published that way. Your plot is something fresh and it is more important than language. Keep writing.