12.28.2006

HH Com 502 (501 is singing Let the River Run on the Staten Island Ferry)

The word "superhero" conjures images of Crayola-colored spandex suits, cool powers, and the pursuit of truth, justice, and all that stuff. (your hook starts here--->)Try calling Olivia Gellar a superhero and she'll belt you. She moves metal objects with her mind, but she will lie, steal and con like a pro to outmaneuver the ruthless corporation that created her.

Against her better instincts and as a personal favor to her mentor, Olivia agrees to transport a priceless android prototype and its fugitive creator across the border into Canada. On the eve of the plan's success, Olivia's mentor is found dead, and her orderly life spins out of control. To put her world back together, she must find a way to keep the prototype safe from Mitchell, and deal with her backfiring powers, underfoot houseguests, and a nosy police detective. But what she didn't expect was a chance encounter with a man possessing unlimited psychic potential and a damaging connection to her own unique origin.

Well this is pretty fun and I like the energy but you've bogged down with description and left us to guess at the plot.

6 comments:

Virginia Miss said...

Unlike Miss Snark, I liked the first sentence.
Great opening paragraph, introducing a kickass heroine.

I got confused because she's en route to Canada and then she has houseguests. Do you need to mention the canada trip or can you just get right to the death of her mentor? Or, if that's not the main conflict, cut that stuff and tell us more about the psychic and her origin.

The backfiring powers sound like a nice complication.

Oh, and when you re-write, omit "her orderly life spins out of control."

Anonymous said...

The word "superhero" only conjurs all that stuff for people who don't really read about them. That's not something you'd want to advertise.

Anonymous said...

Who's Mitchell again?

Anonymous said...

Re: Mitchell. Thirty seconds after I hit send, I realized that I had deleted the line introducing him. He's the Head Bad Guy. *sigh*

Thanks for the additional comments, virginia miss. Yes, I can probably skip the specifics of going to Canada. I've got some things to ponder, and a query to rewrite. :)

shannon said...

I love superhero stuff, but I lost my enthusiasm on reading the words "android prototype". That's just me, but I'm always hoping for something new and full of "zest" with superhero stories.

Did I mention I love superheros?

I'll also say the stuff I love the most is their day-to-day life and adventures. Yes you need a plot, but to me the plot is just structure, and I find myself checking my watch.

xiqay said...

I sort of liked this, except for the obvious "duh" moment when Mitchell is mentioned. I figured he was the bad guy, but I want to know more about why and how he is connected to the ruthless corporation that created Olivia.

Good luck.