HH Com 503

 Redux has plans, great plans, plans of a soul satisfying act of revenge so thorough the God-Emperor still wouldn't know what hit him 6 months down the line. Redux and his one time best friend and co-leader, Absence, and the rest of the Eleets exiles are trapped on an astral plane which makes revenge a tad difficult. Enter the Risqriders, warriors determined to see the genocide of their rivals. Redux and his followers find a loophole in their prison which allows them to travel to the Riderlands as symbiotic Spirit Dogs. While subtly guiding the leaders of each warring clan they wait for the unnatural child, the one who is supposed to free them. But, no one knows who this kid is.

Redux, an optimist, believes things work out for the best, but after his indecision causes repeated chaos, and missed opportunities create one calamity after another, he's starting to panic as things slip from his control. His devoted followers are breaking into factions, and the two most likely suspects for the unnatural child, are not turning out as planned. Steff and Rage will be something, but exactly what, isn't clear.

Steff, product of an unhealthy childhood full of sexual assault and emotional abuse, refuses their "advice"; Rage, an undiagnosed telepath, is another unhappy camper of a teen who is suicidal from the constant voices that invade his thoughts, he is violent, finding solace only when fighting. What's a Spirit Dog to do? What can a Spirit Dog do?

You've got the makings of a great voice, and a very charming sense of humor.
Now you need to work on your writing: "full of sexual assault and emotional abuse" is nonsensical.


jamiehall said...

These are the main things I tripped over:

The hook is confusing.

You seem to be suffering from silly name disease (lots of writers do, including some great ones, but I've encountered it much more frequently in bad writing so it tends to put me off if I see even one other warning signal).

Anonymous said...

God-Emperor has only one association with the sff readers -- Frank Herbert and Leto Atredis

Inkwolf said...

I definitely feel the makings of an interesting story here. Maybe just a little more tweaking...

keamax said...

Wow, the only thing I understood (and liked) is the part that MS says makes no sense. I understand how aa childhood could have been full of sexual assault and emotional abuse. But escaping from astral planes, loopholes from prison (I think of loopholes being in written contracts!) and symbiotic Spirit Dogs--just not for me.

I personally didn't like the "voice"--actually didn't find it. The sentences seemed a little long and uniform in complexity. So for me, nothing here pulled me in. And humor? I didn't find it.

Glad you made MS a bit happy. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I kind of liked it, But I agree with anonymous #1, God-Emperor is DUNE territory. Find a new name for your boss guy.

I think jamiehall is confused, I don't see any evidence of 'silly name disease', these names seem no stranger or sillier than many I've seen on the previous hooks.

But hey #503 don't let us stop you, keep on writing!

Anonymous said...

Many, many grammar and punctuation mistakes.

Fix those while you're fixing the stuff Miss Snark suggested. If you have to, get someone else to proof anything you send to anyone in publishing. Many people have editing backgrounds and wouldn't consider asking for pages if a hook had this many errors.