12.28.2006

HH Com 512

Senator Tab Pendleton, born a member of the privileged elite, has just received the Democratic nomination for President when he finds his wife viciously murdered in their own home, leaving a cryptic note naming him as the killer. In shock, under scrutiny, and amid allegations that he should stand down, Tab searches for answers to what happened and who is behind this heinous crime. Determined not to back down, he relies on the unconventional wisdom of his grandmother for strength and guidance.

Tara Green is a flight attendant who longs to be a star. When she lands the principle role in a series of national commercials for the President’s family business, this unsuspecting beauty is thrust into a world she’s unprepared for, with attention from powerful men that she does not want. As ancient knowledge and past lives reveal themselves, Tara becomes the crucial element in a lethal tug of war. Will Senator Pendleton use her Goddess magic to find his answers and create his presidency? Or will the incumbent President use her power for his own means?


one of the reasons you learn about all that pesky grammer is so that you don't write confusing things like: Will Senator Pendleton use her Goddess magic to find his answers and create his presidency. When I see "her" after a noun, silly moi, my first assumption is that it refers to the noun. Then I'm puzzled, cause I thought Pendleton was a guy with dead wife. Assuming a lack of lesbian love bunnies (sadly) I realize you meant Tara. By this time I've stopped reading. That is a bad bad thing.

Then, just to prove it wasn't a mistake, you do it again: Or will the incumbent President use her power for his own means?

So, right there, you've got two badly constructed and thus confusing sentences. What are the chances I'll want to wade through more? Yup...zilch.

You've also got a lot about the characters, nothing about the plot and throw away references to Goddess magic.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Grammer"

I Said said...

Murder mystery, okay. But throwing in a grandmother (for what?) and the love interest confuse the plot here.

annie said...

Also, "allegations that he should stand down" -- allegations isn't the word you want here. You want 'demands' or something like it. 'Allegations' means accusations of wrongdoing.

writtenwyrdd said...

Goddess magic crossed with the President and All His Men? I don't find that interesting. I think you crossed the plausibility barrier for a fantasy there with your hook. Perhaps back off from that presidential tie-in...

Anonymous said...

You lost me when his wife got murdered, and he decided to run *anyway*. How could I possibly root for a character who would do such a thing?

Running for President is a tremendous amount of work. So is mourning your wife, unless you're a callous jerk. These occupations are not compatible.

Anonymous said...

"The Adventures of Tab and Tara" --um--no. Change one of those to a different letter.

That a presidential hopeful gets this kind of problem is not outside possibility, but how the writer deals with it totally is.

The flight attendants I know specifically trained for their jobs and are proud of what they do. If Tara wants to be a *star* she has to wait tables in L.A. like everyone else.

Goddess power...is that the new member of the Power Rangers team?

xiqay said...

This starts as a story I'd like to read--political mystery or thriller--then jumps into fantasy with Goddess magic.

I was with you up to "As ancient knowledge and past lives reveal themselves..." Then I didn't want to read any more.

Good luck.