12.28.2006

HH Com 516

"At my age I feel fortunate to be experiencing regular, daily bowel movements; not always an enjoyable feat first thing in the morning, but then I can enjoy my first cup of coffee," sixty-three year old Sam Spade pondered the moment he awoke.

As he looked into the mirror, no longer was youth on his side. The razor, quite dull, left several fresh cuts. No more than a dozen sheets of toilet paper left. Mental note– buy razor blades and toilet paper. Later that night Sam remembered as he used another tissue to wipe off his penis from leakage.

The shower faucet squealed as he pulled back the shower curtain and stepped inside. Even the ice cold water didn't affect his aging body.

The linoleum hadn't been waxed since the night before Thanksgiving as Sam anticipated that his children might stop in for a brief moment. Children. Two that he knew of. Both conceived with his first wife Helen. Second wife didn't want any. Helen, the first wife, became wife number three because of the children. "They need a father." Five years later Helen agreed that the children didn't need a father. Sharon was wife number four. Thank God no children with that woman, child support would've brought suicide one step closer. Sam didn't bother to file for divorce with the fifth wife. In the eyes of the law they where still legally married even if Sam hadn't heard from her since the day she left his sorry ass.

This isn't a hook.
I think it's a first page.
And it opens with toilet stuff...always a plus for deciding whether to read on.

9 comments:

I Said said...

Besides the fact that it isn't a hook, the use of the name "Sam Spade" is a tricky thing to get away with in fiction. Also, there's an infodump in the middle of the scene that makes it appear as a hook, but I'd hate to see it in the book as part of the story.

cm allison said...

As an older member of society, please author, realise that (especially now) 63 is NOT old! This book would likely turn me off on the first page from that assumption.

Anonymous said...

63 year old and he's in that shape? Same Spade like in the detective. Okay, rough life. But you young people, under 30, have to know at 63 is when life begins for most of us!!!

rudynostalgia said...

You sure the hero isn't Sam Spoor?

Anonymous said...

:Tired editor lists what's wrong with this:

1) Toilet humor was not in the original Hammett books.

2) Editor is hazy on whether Hammett's work is in the Public Domain and doubts if the writer is any better informed.

3) The writer is so very clearly NOT Dashiell Hammett.

xiqay said...

Well, I see cm allison has beat me to my comment.

63? Geesh, make him a 100 at least. (I made it past the daily bowel movement, but stopped reading at 63.)

Forced myself to go back and read rest. Sorry, but I found it boring. Wiping off his penis is just too much detail that I don't want or need. And I don't care about pitiful Sam and his string of wives.

I'm surprised Miss Snark didn't say let him use the razor and put himself out of his misery now.


It's your story, and there must be a reason you wrote it. It's hard to tell what that might be from this small glimpse. But good luck.

ObiDonWan said...

Have no idea what you're trying to get at here, but as everyone is saying, 63 is not old and certainly not as old as you've pictured it. People of that age run in marathons and climb mountains, fly planes and jump out of them, and father children (the males, anyway).

Anonymous said...

A man wakes up, thinks about taking a shit, then wipes his leaking, 63-year-old penis? Is this a joke?

Anonymous said...

Sam Spade?

You lost me in the first sentence with the name. I'm mired in wondering, is this THE Sam Spade, and if so, how did this author get permission to write about him, and why do I trust him/her to do so well enough that it's worth reading.

I read the rest on auto-pilot while wondering those things. I'm glad; it made the penis-wiping less traumatic.

Seriously, though... you've got some clunkiness, bad grammar, and missing punctuation. If you're gonna name your character after a famous writer's character, you have to be SO good that I accept it.