HH Com 525

"Cross your fingers, Iris. Cross 'em that Sister will win,” Rose Porter says as she peers down at the 1964 Huntsville High homecoming court. Iris’ older sister, Dorothea, is so beautiful that cowboys as far away as Madisonville name their horses after her. Iris uncrosses her fingers as soon as Rose looks away, but Dorothea is still crowned queen.

But now all the pens and paper in the house are disappearing and Dorothea demands fortune cookies at breakfast, lunch and dinner. She is developing the same disorder which struck their aunt and great aunt, a condition which defies psychiatric diagnosis. If it runs true to course, Dorothea will soon start believing her own stories about the Island of Lesser Icarus.

Iris sees a chance to grab their mother's attention by being the perfect daughter. She reads the Bible to Dorothea, even the begetting parts. But when Dorothea polishes her homecoming tiara and begins to refer to Iris as "Begonia the handmaiden," little sister realizes their relationship has taken a whole new turn.

This is all set up. You need to start again.


Anonymous said...

But it's a wonderful setup. I really, really want to read this.

Anonymous said...


dana p said...

Author, that first paragraph was so great -- I was hearing "bingo bango bongo" loud and clear -- and then -- and then -- well, and then I don't know WHAT happened. The subsequent paragraphs didn't connect in any way; in fact, if it wasn't for the character names being repeated, I would have sworn these 3 paragraphs described 3 different, unrelated novels!

I'm soooooo disappointed because I had fallen in love with you based on this line: Iris’ older sister, Dorothea, is so beautiful that cowboys as far away as Madisonville name their horses after her.

Hehe. Okay, I admit it, I'm still in love... but also very confused. I liked each of the 3 paragraphs, but like I said, none of them seemed to have anything to do with the others. Good luck with re-crafting your hook. And I wish I had some way of following your career, because you interest me strangely...

Inkwolf said...

Love the line about horses also, and the setup sounds intriguing to me. I'd read it, even though mental-illness books are high on my 'ick' list.

xiqay said...

I loved the first paragraph, too.

Not sure about liking where the story goes. No objection to mental illness, but fantasy would be a let-down.

There's some very nice humorous touches in this-besides the horse (which is charming). Love "even the begetting parts" and big sister changing Iris to Begonia (both flower names).

Hope you'll start again-on the story, as well as the hook.

Good luck.

Twill said...

WTF - in a good way

Southern Writer said...

You hooked me. I love it.