12.28.2006

HH Com 531 (530 is eating dogs at Grays Papaya on Amsterdam)

Godhood is a Bitch. Ariel Kane, a time-historian, does not age.

An alien technology intrudes Ariel’s routine time-skip back into pre-history. It ensnares and suspends her body between dimensions thus altering her subatomic structure.

Too late, Ariel realizes her bete noire, and must use her deified position. In order to remove a contaminated culture, the Theans, from the planet, she urges the rediscovery of space travel thus leaving Earth’s original time line intact.

Resettled on another world, the Theans no longer battle to survive emigration, but sacrifice themselves by the millions in endless war, to save their god, Ariel.

The CSS, Contingent of Sentient Species, blames the lost time-agent for deep riffs that are appearing throughout the Universe.

The mysterious anomalies consume entire sections of the Milky Way galaxy and CSS scientists propose that the lost time-traveler is to blame and must never reach her future self, or risk destroying all dimensions. Ariel must be terminated.

Tired of a longevity devoid of love and despising her corrupted humanity, Ariel proposes a treaty. The CSS agrees.

Her memories suppressed, she’ll enjoy a brief existence on Earth, as a college teacher then suffer a brain aneurysm.

In twisted faith --- Ariel Kane leaves behind a message, ‘A Whisper of Ages’ to her doppelganger, Riela Kane.

Riela struggles to maintain a coherent life and deep love for Jack Bannon, as horrid images and abilities resurface. Nothing, it seems, can stop Riela’s destiny – to reach her ‘point of origin’ where all futures will meet.


WTF?????

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

"In twisted faith"

Do you mean "in a twist of fate"?

Perhaps English isn't your mother tongue?

Anonymous said...

OK, I give up. What does the World Trade Federation have to do with it?

Anonymous said...

Holy universe-building, Batman!

writtenwyrdd said...

Simply this story to one major plot. You are outcompeting yourself with this tangle of plots.

If the story is about the new-found goddesshood, then focus on that. If it is not, then don't start with the wheres and hows of the goddesshood.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing ... hoping ... it takes the book to establish your universe. Expecting someone to accept and follow it from the hook alone won't work. Think less details for the hook, more of what matters to draw someone in to read it without knowing the universe you created. Is it: Someone wakes up with strange visions, searches for the reason for the visions, turns out she's the alter ego of a banished time historian?

roach said...

Might I suggest a switcheroo with the names, as Riela sounds more sf-ish and Ariel more "earther"?

The first sentence is great but it sets up an expectation on my part about the novel that isn't fulfilled in the rest of the hook.

Laura K said...

Killer Yapp needs to try Papaya King on 86th and Third. The original and still the best. ::snicker::

rudynostalgia said...

Please, please ask for pages on this. It's the funniest group of graphs that have been posted so far.

Anonymous said...

"riff", or "rift"?

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, a young moisture farmer was targeting womp rats in his T-16...

And at that very same moment a rakish smuggler was dumping his cargo to avoid arrest...

While unbeknownst to them both an asthmatic badass was kidnapping a princess...

Anonymous said...

Okay! Author your trying to hard. You put to many eggs in the basket and you came out sounding a bit confused or is it just me?

I want to believe this is a mixture of SF and ?

Your a little scattered and so is my brain but, I think with a bit of work this can be something good.

You might want to read more books on SF and ? Just to make sure it is a good mix.

~Nancy said...

What writtenwyrdd said.

Author, figure out what the overriding event/idea/theme is in your story and focus on that. As it's written here, I found it too hard to follow.

~JerseyGirl

Impy said...

The first sentence or so was great, and I think I like the idea, but this is so jumbled I can't really tell. If the lack of clarity in the hook is an example of the book, I wouldn't read it no matter how much I like examining the side effects of immortality. You only get 250 words to capture our interest... don't waste them dividing our attention or making us work to decipher what you're saying.

If the focus is Ms. College Professor, start with her, then give us a quick look at her story, her stakes, and the world as she sees it... then stop. If the focus is her godlike back story, start there and do the same. Pick a time continuum for us to care about, and stick with that perspective for the rest of the story, or at the very least the rest of the hook.

Anonymous said...

Work on your word usage, grammar, and punctuation before submitting. Your writing just isn't ready for publication, no matter how good the story might be.