HH Com 534

“Papa, do you still have the fever?”

“Yes, son.”

There was no purpose in mentioning that the fever would not be going away. During the night the kidneys had cease to function. Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps only hours away from his own demise, it was inevitable. He had taught the young boy well.

At the age of fourteen, the young lad already acquired an abundance of skills that survival was not an uncertainty. He could shoot a wolf from a hundred yards out, catch fish with his bare hands and wrestle with a man twice his age. He had studied the ways of the land and sea with local scholars. He had been prepared for this day. The moment had arrived for the bravery of the boy to be shown, his stepping stone into manhood.

“The evening tide will be coming in soon, when you can no longer see your shadow from behind. Go, sit at the pier and wait for Sam’s boat. You can help him unload today’s catch. Tell him that you can do my job. Ask for three pence, so that he will give you two. Have you gathered the driftwood for tonight’s fire?”

“Yes, father. Shall I tell him that you are feeling better?”

“Nicholas, don’t ever forget, never turn your back on the ocean.”

Yes, papa, I shall remember.”

He was a good son, Standing tall and walking like a warrior toward the pier, never looking back. He had been taught fearlessness.

This isn't a hook; it's a first page.
It's got an interesting idea but I'd need to know about the entire novel to be hooked.


BernardL said...

You hooked me. It may be a first page, but it's a good one.

I Said said...

Good writing here; I'd've asked to see more. But then it has a literary flavor and that's my interest.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's a lot of passive tense.

writtenwyrdd said...

This is a good start, but the writing is stiff, the speech a little stilted. It might be a good book, but show us the hook, tell us why we want to read it.

Anonymous said...

I hear a voice and it is not mine.

I love reading novels written with the characters’ frame of mind. It opens my mind to imagine his/her world.

Author you did a great job, it needs a bit of work but I think you head on the head with this one.

Good Luck!