12.16.2006

HH Com 54

Angel Fiore and her husband Nick are surprised to find the nude body of a young prostitute in an upscale neighborhood. Both are stunned when their son arrests Lucky Loveland, Nick's best friend, in connection with the woman's murder.

Lucky has bedeviled Angel ever since she was a teenager. So why does she feel responsible for clearing Lucky's name now, almost forty years later? Angel has held Lucky responsible for many misdeeds over the years, but she is certain he is no murderer. Of course, forty-eight hours ago she would have sworn he wasn't the type to visit a prostitute, either.

Armed with surprising information supplied by the abbess at a local monastery, Angel intends to prove Lucky innocent. Even if that means unearthing long-buried secrets, and coming to terms with Lucky's unrequited love for her. Unfortunately, Angel doesn't realize that she is being watched, or that by unmasking a killer, she is placing her son in mortal danger.

I would be very pleased if you would consider representing my completed 73,000-word traditional mystery, For the Love of Angel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


This isn't a hook, it's a plot description.
The first two paragraphs are good, but you need one more, in that vein to finish the arc.

Your motivation is sketchy at best, and you're only hinting at the true stakes of the game in the very last sentence. That needs to be much more developed and brought out earlier.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know it's wrong of me to say this, but I felt sort of bad for Nick. He's the only one who didn't get a porn name.

surprised to find the nude body of a young prostitute in an upscale neighborhood

"My God Drusilla, is that a naked whore in the gutter?"

"I believe it is Reginald."

"Surely not. Not in this neighborhood."

Anonymous said...

The names Lucky Loveland and Angel sound like porn stars. Prostitutes and monasteries have me wondering if this isn't exactly what's below the first few layers of your creative mind.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm always surprised to find the corpse of a naked prostitute in my neighborhood.

(Which is a snarky way of saying that you should consider stronger words here.)

Anonymous said...

I like the plot and, from what little I know of them, the characters. And I actually know people with names like that.

I would probably buy it and read it. I think you just need to describe Angel better in your hook so we care about her.

Anonymous said...

Lucky? Angel? Lucky has bedeviled Angel?
Oh geez.

HawkOwl said...

Basically anything where some meek layman solves a criminal case while dealing with contrived personal issues is an automatic "whatever."

Wonderwood said...

LMAO at the first anon, that's beautiful dialogue. I was tripped up by the same phrase.

Anonymous said...

Was the idea to come up with a hooker, or a hook?
It's hard to care because Angel's connection to Lucky is too flimsy.
Why after forty years (!) does she give a toss about HIS unrequited love? Unless maybe she really has the hots for him? And why isn't NICK going to all this trouble to get his best friend off? Huh? Huh? Angel is in for a real surprise if it turns out Nick used to "vist" prostitutes with Lucky! Dirty old geezers.




oconfs is my kinda pot boiler.

thraesja said...

Anon 1, you stole my comment. I was going to go with Nigel and Cornelia, instead of Drusilla and Reginald, but that was exactly the gist of it. Nicely done.

So, Lucky (ugh) has bedeviled (ugh)Angel (ugh) for forty years, yet she is shocked (or is it surprised?) to find he's been visiting prostitutes? If he isn't a priest, her husband, or her father, I can't imagine anyone being particularly shocked to find out that someone occasionally pays for sex. Or is she just jealous that despite his unrequited love for her, he would have sex with another woman?

You might also want to name the son, if he is as important to the plot as he seems, or at least clarify that he is a cop.

wonderer said...

Lucky? Nick? Angel? With those names, am I the only one who suspected that the plot was going to turn out to be paranormal? If that's true, author, you need more about that in the hook. Or maybe I'm way off in left field... ;)

Anonymous said...

Anon1 I laughed my ass off at that comment. That first sentance threw me off. What other emotions would you feel to find a naked prostitute, in any neighborhood?

"Oh look another dead hooker, the city really needs to start cleaning these up. The one on Third has been there for a week!"