12.28.2006

HH Com 552

Gwen Callahan, a successful career woman, (with and overactive imagination), envisions her life as a fairy tale. It is too bad that every guy she dates is far from her knight in shining armor. When she meets Thomas, a performing knight at a Chicago medieval dinner theater, it appears all of her dreams have come true. He is everything she had hoped for: gallant, polite, and looks good in chain mail too. As their fledging relationship continues, he sends her in a direction that even her imagination couldn’t foresee. Is it finally her happily ever after coming true, or has gallantry been taken to extreme?


Complete with swords, whores, coffee, stores, men on horseback, and even a wicked witch (of sorts) too. In her obsession to find a modern day knight, she finds herself fighting her way out of a modern day fairy tale and discovers—the hard way—that true valor can be found without armor and swords.

This isn't a hook, it's an idea. She meets a guy..then what? Be specific. And you've got to define what the obstacles are.

6 comments:

Crystal Charee said...

I love the idea of exploring reality with fairy tale elements. Dancing between the hard edge of reality and the relief of losing yourself in a fantasy can be dangerous, but definitely relatable.

The fact that the fairytale stuff is staged adds layers to the metaphor, which makes it different from urban fantasy.

~Nancy said...

This actually sounds like it might be a fun story; and I liked the second paragraph (but don't forget to take Miss Snark's XYZ into account when you rewrite).

However, I'm a little anal when it comes to punctuation, among other things (please bear with me, Author!).

Gwen Callahan, a successful career woman, (with and overactive imagination), envisions her life as a fairy tale.

There shouldn't be a comma after "woman" because of the parentheses, and "and" should be "an".

It is too bad that every guy she dates is far from her knight in shining armor.

He is everything she had hoped for: gallant, polite, and looks good in chain mail too.


Is there a reason why you're using "It is" instead of "It's"? I don't why, but I couldn't get over that (which probably means it's just me). Is it because your MC speaks that way?

Good luck with it!

~JerseyGirl

dana p said...

You don't have to be anal about punctuation to find that parentheses gaffe painful. Please, author, review Punctuation 101 -- I can see you're already ahead of the curve, since you know how to use the colon properly. (What a rare skill that is nowadays!) I agree with JerseyGirl's comments, and let me add that the first "sentence" of the second paragraph is actually a sentence fragment. Sentence fragments can be powerful when used wisely, but this particular one reads like a mistake.

Author said...

Thank you Nancy for your constructive and tactful comments.

I admit, I polished this at like midnight, and with my nervousness (I have never done something like this before), I missed some stupid mistakes. I never claimed to be good at grammar; however, punctuation is something that is much easier to correct and improve on then prose, pacing, idea, and general feel of writing.

Sure, I'll review Punctuation 101, as long as dana can review Tact 101 as well.

dana p said...

Author, everyone's input is here for you to take or leave, as you see fit. Commenters are donating their time to give you potentially valuable feedback. If you wanted your feedback couched in a "special" way, submitting it to Miss Snark and the Snarklings was perhaps imprudent of you. Whatever would you have done if you'd gotten a "WTF?", as so many submitters did?

I apologize for offending you. Sometimes the truth hurts. One useful thing you could get out of this exercise, if you choose to do so, is the realization the world of publishing is not one reknowned for its "tact" or delicacy. You have in fact been treated very kindly and respectfully by everyone here, which is more than many crapometer entrants can say.

Best wishes!

Anonymous said...

The phrase "career woman" was too vague for me.