HH Com 553

Winter is late coming to Galidan. The small folk speak of dark omens and impending doom while the nobles celebrate Yule with lavish balls. But the winds are stirring that threaten not only to tear the powerful nation apart but loyal families like the Granges. Ben Grange, the middle and mysterious son of Duke Grange finding himself at odds with his brother James, the loyal knight Jeremy Fields and sorcerer-in-training Peter Meadows share a destiny in the north where discord rumbles in every conversation and action. The princess Isabella watches her father rule with a weak hand under the influence of a nefarious Eastern duke and his sleazy son while Kat Grange’s whole world is turned upside down as she is left alone to dance on the winds of destiny alone. Around these six young people, winter’s winds bluster and reveal secrets to each of them, secrets that could not only help keep Galidan together but the whole world.

You've got four too many people mentioned here; five if one of them isn't the bad guy.
This is a mess. Start over.


Inkwolf said...

When winter is late coming to Wisconsin, the small folk say "Please, God, let it stay this way!" and argue that a white Christmas is NOT as desirable as it's cracked up to be. At least, the small folk without snowmobiles and ice shanties do.

Your novel setting sounds good, but I have no idea what actually happens.

Ebenstone said...

Thanks. The idea is supposed to be "George RR Martin for teens" epic fantasy done in a similiar manner as his Song of Ice and Fire series. I'll admit this is going to be the hardest part of writing a novel: boiling it down to one page and not get confusing. I mean looking back at A Game of Thrones, there are like 25 characters in the first chapter. I know this is something I need to work on. Thanks again!

Crystal Charee said...

Ah, we've got Santa Ana-s or something going on right now and it's reeeeal windy, and I love it. If you can describe wind well, I'll read your book.

I was standing at a stoplight today, waiting for the red hand to turn into a green walking man, when the wind swept all of the curbed debris across the street, without waiting for the light to turn. The wind is not law-abding like I am, it can cross the street whenever it wants to.

"she is left alone to dance on the winds of destiny alone"

Aaaaaah! That's what I'm talkin' about. I also like:

"winter’s winds bluster and reveal secrets to each of them"

Good stuff. The rest of it needs work.

Nikki said...

Hi Ebenstone,

When I read your hook I thought 'I know what that author's been reading...'

You've taken concepts, geography and terms from that series - winter is coming, the North, small folk, a character called Kat (Cat). Even your names have similarities with Martin's.

I think you should watch out for that.

Good luck!

Inkwolf said...

Ebenstone said...
"The idea is supposed to be "George RR Martin for teens" epic fantasy done in a similiar manner as his Song of Ice and Fire series."

Yes, I did recognize the voice. And though you do it well, I think I agree with Nikki. You ought to try writing Ebenstone for teens. I just can't believe that imitating someone else's style is going to get you very far, unless George RRM dies and they need a pinch-hitter to finish off the series.

Ebenstone said...

Nikki-thanks, I had some GRRM fanatics read over an outline of the novel-and it was pretty detailed- and they said that while it is similiar (which I'll admit is the intention), it is a VERY different story. I was severly worried about this as I outlined the intended series.