HH Com 558

The only thing Captain Antonietta Soprano detests more than David Chase (may he suffer eternal crotch itch for reducing her name to a sound bite) is unpunished crime. So when the rich-kid frat boys that escaped justice five years ago start popping up prematurely dead, when her investigations confirm that the once-little girl victim of their vicious attack has returned to Cape Town from her exile in New York, Soprano’s conflicted – Little Mack’s back for revenge, and Soprano genuinely empathizes with her. But Soprano’s a cop (albeit a foulmouthed, cranky one) and crime is crime. Meaning she has no choice but to take down a girl whose hand she once held in hospital, promising her justice she was never able to deliver. And to do so before Billy Durschmied, the rich-kid ringleader and now head of a private security company, makes Little Mack his victim all over again.

You've got the elements of a crime novel I'd read. You need to write it in a way that doesn't make me want to pack a lunch to travel from word one to word last in your long ass sentences.


Inkwolf said...

Ooh, yeah...you have the emotional-involvement aspect wrapped up with this one. I think I'd read this, if only for the protagonist's conflict.

Virginia Miss said...

Your first sentence is great. I think you need to turn your second sentence into two or three shorter ones -- that part got confusing.

I like the protag's quandry: it gave me an "oooh" Meaning she has no choice but to take down a girl whose hand she once held in hospital, promising her justice she was never able to deliver

xiqay said...

I liked this, a lot!

I want to read it now. Miss Snark finds the sentences too long, but she's tired. I find it a great hook.

Good luck.

roach said...

"(albeit a foulmouthed, cranky one)"

You could lose the above as we already catch onto this from the first sentence. Otherwise, yeah, this sounds like a good read.

Wonderwood said...

This can be an excellent hook with some tightening, as suggested about the long sentences (a lot of us have the same problem). I like the plot and I'd like to read further. Good job.

Bella Stander said...

You can't use the surname Soprano for your protagonist--or any other character. It's been taken forever by a certain family in New Jersey.

Anonymous said...

What is it about the long sentences? I didn't even notice until I read the purple response (no pun intended). As long as I can read it aloud without gasping for breath, I don't mind long sentences at all.

Besides, I think this is a great idea. I love the name little Mack too. Sounds like a child's nickname, but also a bit sinister. Cool.

good luck.

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark. Thank you. I didn't notice my hook's long-ass sentences. It's ironic. Because my writing's much different. Short sentences. That's my trademark. (Seriously though, thanks for pointing this out.)

To the other commenters, thanks too for the encouragement.

The author (busy packing Lunch for Miss Snark)