HH Com 57

When a young man walks into psychic Teresa Fetter's storefront business and spreads his hands open on her counter, she's startled by the strong connection she feels. She barely remembers Will Savick, the son of a former client; she doesn't know he's there to complete the transaction of violence she set off eight years earlier. But Teresa senses he's come for something vital, and she accepts the challenge.

Over the next twenty-four hours, as she uses her research tools to prepare for Will's appointed reading, Teresa uncovers the tragic events of his life and the role she played in them. Will, still a teen when he accompanied his mother to one of her psychic readings, couldn't bear seeing her beaten afterward—again—by his drunken stepfather. Taking to heart advice he overheard Teresa give his mother, Will slammed the man in the head with a cast-iron griddle, putting him into a coma. As Will says later, "I killed him, he just didn't die." Still haunted by the night's events, Will returns to the source to make sense of his guilt. What happens when Teresa touches his hands will change and heal them both.

You know those cartoon bunnies that renact entire movies in 30 seconds?
This is that..except you've left out the bunnies.

You don't need to worry about the hook (and as hooks go this isn't the worst we've seen), you need to worry about the novel. The entire premise is the psychic is going to heal his guilt?
Please, set my hair on fire now and avoid the long lines.

Im a minimalist of the first order, and all I can say to you is: there needs to be MORE.


Anonymous said...

The first paragraph implies to me that this is going to be a thriller. The hands on the counter make me think 'threatening.' When the next paragraph turns into a 'healing the guilt' story, I was mildly disappointed. Seems to be describing totally different than what I expected.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't a "minimalist of the first order" be just a "minimalist"? ;-)

HawkOwl said...

Yes, another one I didn't like on Evil Editor.

Anonymous said...

Ewww. You lost me at "spreads his hands open on her counter." I have weird images in my head. Although I probably know what you mean, the wording is icky. The wording is exactly your job.

Am I the only one who think using a psychic to see inside a character is a little lazy? I've always thought that. I like it on television, but it reads like a cheap device in a novel.

Here's a thought: Sit a man and a woman at a table. Put some "spread palms" between them and call the story the ashtray. Ha Ha

pj said...

This is my hook, and ouch. I can see Miss Snark's point.

But hey, an agent at a well-known agency asked for the full manuscript within 24 hours of receiving this query and the opening pages. So I must be doing something right.

Anonymous said...

I agree that the "spread hands" phrase reads oddly. Other than that, the writing is tight and the situation interesting. I would at least flip to the first page.

Congrats on the agent's request, and good luck!