Hh Com 575

It's the biggest event of the year as magicians from around the world compete for the title of Grand Master. Kara O'Shea couldn't care less. (your hook starts here--->)She doesn't believe in magic, had seen her share of cheap card tricks and cup-and-ball routines as a child with a mediocre magician for a father. But the Austin Daily Roundup plans to do a local interest piece on the competition (insert description here) , and as one of the feature writers, she draws the assignment. Why hadn't Mr. Jamison assigned her to cover the dog show? It had to be better than this.

Then last year's grand master dies of methanol poisoning and the assignment gets much more interesting—and potentially deadly. Kara was the last person to meet with Justin King, and now she's under suspicion for murder. King had a lot of enemies, though, including several magicians competing for his crown. She just hopes their magic really is hocus-pocus, or she's in serious trouble.

She has a few tricks up her own sleeves, thanks to dear old dad. And they'd darned well better work, especially when one of the magicians turns out to be the real thing, complete with spells that might have her croaking by the pond, catching flies with her tongue. She really prefers a good rib eye to flies.

I like this idea a lot but it's pretty clunky so I'm not really hooked.


Zany Mom said...

This reminds me of a novel I read called the Vanished Man by Jeffery Deaver, about an illusionist and a novice magician.

writtenwyrdd said...

You're just hitting your stride in that last paragraph. Rewrite this with the Voice you use in that last paragraph and really light this on fire. I like it, and I'd want to read it.

Angus Weeks said...

The form of your hook seems okay to me. You need to watch the tense in the first paragraph, however: there is no reason for the last two sentences of that paragraph to be in past tense when everything else is in present tense.

One thing bothered me about the content. Why is Kara a murder suspect? She has no motive. The fact that she was the last person to see the dead man is not enough to make this credible, particularly since you go on to mention all the juicy enemies the dead man had who would clearly be better suspects.

You may have a good reason in the story why the police would suspect her - you need to put that in the hook.