HH Com 584

When sixteen-year-old Lily Pagett goes to her father's home town of Charleston, South Carolina for the summer, she finds time-traveling pirates, Old South aristocracy, and a way to find closure after her father's death--for a price.

(your hook starts here)
Ever since the accident, Lily has been numb. Her family hopes she'll come to terms with her loss while in Charleston, but what she actually discovers is that she can travel in time. Despite her fledgling traveling skills, the previous Great Heron (he isn't the previous one if he's currently holding the job ie the one picking a successor)--the leader of Charleston's time
travelers--has named her as his successor, and now she must oversee the proper flow of time. Someone is stealing moments of time, and the other travelers want Lily, as Great Heron, to investigate.

Lily feels inadequate--time travel is controlled by singing, and she has the voice of a goat--but searching for a time thief provides a welcome distraction to her father's death. Plus, there's the added appeal of seventeen-year-old Simon Rivers, scion of the time-traveling Heron clan. Against his parents' wishes, Simon agrees to teach Lily what he knows about traveling, and soon Lily is searching for clues amid hurricane Hugo, antebellum planters' balls, and colonial-era pirate hangings. But just when she's busy enough to block out thoughts of the accident, Lily discovers that her father was also a time traveler. And suddenly, time travel isn't a game anymore.

You can build all the worlds you want and I'll give you time travel based on singing, no problemo BUT that world has to obey an inner logic: picking a stranger with the voice of a goat (sorry Bill E.) who doesn't know treble about time travel is contrivance in the key of C.

Then, there's that kitchen sink factor too.


Virginia Miss said...

this would be more believable if the girl could sing but gets laryngitus at a crucial moment. I agree with Miss Snark about the logic issue of goat voice being chosen as the succesor.

Anonymous said...

Or maybe "they" picked her because they wanted her to fail??

I like the sense of adventure!


Anonymous said...

What makes time traveling not become a game anymore? Is it because it has something to do with her father's death?

Is it becasue it empowers her to face life again? How? In what specific way?

What are the character's stakes if she does or does not succeed at mastering time traveling?

Will she die like her father?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the commentary, Miss Snark. I appreciate the amazing effort you've put into not only reading but responding to all 700 of these things. Especially to mine!

Thanks for the questions, anon. 2. That's what I'm going for in the hook.

Between your wanting a little more info on that end, and Miss Snark getting lost in the goat voice (which is of course neither the focus of the book nor the main point I intended for the hook), I think I've got a much better idea of how to rewrite this.

Removing kitchen sink now!