HH Com 586

Led by an strange force, Kendra becomes the first outsider to visit a small isolated town of
Kassel. Taking the only teaching position in town, Kendra struggles with more than just trying to fit in: a bizarre "Town Curfew", dark forest creatures, disappearances, a supernatural barrier wrapping around the town, and reticent town folks.

Tired of living in fear, the children step forward and help Kendra to discover their secret;
they haven't aged in over two hundred years as they live in purgatory. Using the old texts saved in the library, (cause that never occured to anyone in 200 years??) Kendra finds the answers she needs to hunt down the witch who started it all, Rhianna.

Kendra faces her using Rhianna's own spell against her and frees the town. Or so she thinks. But it's not over: nightmares follow Kendra back to her old life and force her to return to Kassel once again. There, she discovers that Rhianna is not only still alive, but that she is murdering the entire town.

By mass draining their life force, Rhianna is on the verge of creating a perfect child and sealing her immortality when Kendra confronts her. Rhianna, wishing for companionship, gives Kendra the choice between immortality or death, Kendra gathers her wits to fight against Rhianna and her dark powers.

This is a list of events, not a hook. It's also got some fundamental failures of logic.


Kiki said...

I have a cousin who used to live in Kassel (Germany). I just couldn't get over imagining the place as being anything but, well, dull. A witch would really go well with the place, let me assure you.

Aside from that, I found the hook sort of watery, and hard to follow. It didn't urge me along, nor scream at me to go pick up the book right now.

Maybe I'm just dense, but I had a hard time even getting what was going on.

xiqay said...

Why is Kendra the first outsider to visit? What explains this other than the contrivance needed to make this your story?

If there's a supernatural barrier wrapping the town, how did Kendra get in?

The children have lived for 200 years. That's a long time for fear to continue and be realistic.

And as Miss Snark says, why didn't someone think to look in the library for answers?

Kendra frees the town. Why does she think this, if it's not so?

And how do nightmares force her to return? This sounds like contrivance again.

And what makes Kendra so special that she's the only one who can fight, outwit the evil Rhianna?

No one in your story seems real. No one seems plausible. No one seems interesting.

The first question-why do we care? Give us some reason.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

icerose said...

Thanks, it's hard to explain this with the hook and I really struggled to articulate the story.

Her great great grandfather left the town a year before the curse fell into place, it is through her blood that she is able to even see the town let alone enter it.

As for the fear people get taken and become cursed, wandering the night in endless agony thus perpetuating the fear. The council keeps that fear going by threatening to cast out any who dare go against them as they wish for immortality. The book in the library isn't actually in the library but the curse to add onto the agony doesn't allow anyone to do anything for themselves, things are done for them so they have nothing to do year after year.

She uses this to her advantage. As for the freeing the town, she lifted the first part of the curse but not the second, she leaves but the town people are trapped which she doesn't know and quickly loses her memory due to the witches enchantment. A guardian spirit who is also trapped comes to her in her dreams and urges her to come back, which she does and is forced into a second stand off with the witch.

I hope this better explains the story but any idea how to condense it down to a hook? I can do others but for some reason I cannot figure it out with this one.