HH Com 593

Once her aunt accidentally smothers herself to death, claustrophobic Virginia decides that giving into a life of velvet blankets and sleep apnea is not for her. Fortunately, Aunt Elizabeth's funeral also provides a way out: by John O'Brian, the young gravedigger who is always eager to offer Virginia a glimpse of life outside of the high street.

Though engaged to effeminate-looking and vulgar Fredrick, Virginia begins to think that she might be able to successfully keep her two lives, one as dignified Victorian maiden and the other as selectively sinful hellion, apart. But her plans to spend the rest of her life as a low-class Irishman’s lover are interrupted when they accidentally kill her fiancĂ©--and then attempt to cover it up.

While enduring a plague of elderly suitors, Virginia becomes guilty, restless, and also feels some desire to live past her nineteenth birthday. She begins to wonder where she should go from here, and whether or not she should take John with her for the ride.

This isn't a hook, it's the description of the idea for your plot. Start over. And what the hell year is it anyway? Sleep apnea was first described in 1965.


Wonk said...

All right, ready to do some re-working. I thought I might be able to get away with the sleep apnea thing as an omniscient narrator, but I guess not, and describing it in pre-term days bogs down the hook. I guess there's always the option of leaving that entire part out (ding! ding! ding!). It is pretty jarring.

Thanks for the feedback, Miss Snark!

writtenwyrdd said...

I like the idea of a supposedly strait-laced Victorian lady having a wild life on the side, and then accidentally killing the fiancee.

I hope you can get this ironed out, sounds like it could be amusing. But no sleep apnea mention, no anachronisms allowed in historicals, they piss off your readership!

I'd caution you against making your heroine appear unsympathetic, as well.

SusanH-B said...

Sleep apnea might not have been IDed until '65, but people have always had it. You could call it the choking sleep disease, something like that.

One thing: I don't think you mean she becomes guilty, since she's already done something wrong. I think you mean she begins to feel guilty.