THE OXYMORONS by Charlie Peat
Humorous, Young Adult Novel
THE IDES OF JUNE
Zachary Taylor Smith must give a speech; it’s his first birthday of the year, after all, and he’s the oldest, oldest man in the world. He faces the mass of adoring pilgrims gathered to hear him and announces, “You’re slime. You’re bile. I’d spit if I could spare the moisture.” The crowd erupts, not in anger but in joy. No mosh pit was ever so frantic, no victory celebration so joyous. He’s given them exactly what they want: a good verbal spanking.
She’s no pilgrim, fifteen and emocidal. Her task: rescue Zachary, fail, and enjoy the punishment.
THE IDES OF JULY
On Zachary’s second birthday of the year, he strays from the formula. At Mary’s urging, he tells the pilgrims a simple, pleasant story. The crowd turns vengeful, refusing to be talked to like children. They demand verbal abuse and nothing less for their sins.
THE CHATTER OF HELICOPTER BLADES OVERHEAD
Pilgrims scatter to escape the flying guillotines. The chopper doors burst open and out rolls Bo Whaler the Elder, barely alive, Muppet-like, the real oldest, oldest man in the world, and he’s got the right papers to prove it. Zachary doesn’t.
TRIAL BY ORDEAL
Zachary‘s only way out is six feet straight down. Suicide is a strategy Mary’s already considered. The question is, do they have the old saggy balls for it? (Is that worse than “breeder?”)
The Ides of Snark: WTF??