HH Com 602

Beware, beware
Of Princes Fair
And Godmothers good and true
Thy wits you'll need
To do the deed
When evil is coming for you

Lillabeth was just an ordinary girl living with her happy parents and her natural-born sisters in a quiet little village in a pretty little kingdom. Her parents were kind, her sisters were sweet, and her life was good. But young Lillabeth was not very content with her boring, safe life. Between you and me, this girl was looking for a fairy tale life. Not just any fairy tale life, she wanted the kind with swashbuckling adventure, a handsome prince, a magical fairy godmother and of course, a perfect ending. Don't believe me? Take a look at her daily to-do list, tucked neatly into her apron pocket:

(your hook starts here)
To do:
Provoke sisters into being wicked
Kiss three frogs
Test beans for magical qualities
Interview local animals, tag any who talk back
Sing a wistful song while staring at the castle
Complete chores
Be sweet and good
Continue training birds; reward the birds that help me make my bed

So she wasn't the smartest lass in the kingdom. But she was optimistic. And she was determined. Even in a fairy tale, stubborn resolve can get you farther than dumb luck.

(and ends here)
And dumb luck is exactly where our story begins.

Gangsta pixies, Brooklynite fairy step-cousins, and menacing but adorable woodland creatures follow Lillabeth as she searches for a fairy tale adventure in "Happily Never After."

You need to fill in with some details and the fractured fairy tale motif is old old old but how can you not love gangsta pixies.


Virginia Miss said...

I like the "to do" list, especially "Test beans for magical qualities." and "Interview local animals, tag any who talk back."

Your writing flows. Good luck.

Inkwolf said...

I'd read it! (That probably surprises nobody...)

Anonymous said...

Would you believe some big Hollywood nobody stole my title and is releasing a movie by the same name in 2007? The nerve of some jokers...

Thanks for the encouragement. Maybe I'll hang on to this one for a while. Maybe in twenty years everyone will have forgotten how trendy it was to write fractured fairy tales and mine will look "new" and "fresh."

susan said...

I like it and it's not something I'd read but the hook with some work as suggested by Miss Snark will do a better job of presenting this creative tale.

Anonymous said...

Keep 'thou' and 'you' consistent in the verse.

Sounds interesting!

Anonymous said...

Too bad a cartoon movie with the same title opens in January.

Anonymous said...

I hope this comes across as constructive criticism, but from reading these hooks with everyone else there are two things I never want to see in a hook again, though you only use one of them.
Starting the hook with 'Meet (main character)...' and telling us something and saying 'Don't believe me...?'
They both imply the writer doesn't have enough confidence in their characterisation in the first instance or engendering the suspension of disbelief in the second. They jolt me right out of the hook and they never add anything. No matter how stock your character or odd your plot you need to at least project confidence in these two things. Using them is like the 'show don't tell' of hook writing. Especially annoying in the case of a story that seems so promising and otherwise has a nice, quirky feel.

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of leading with the "to do" list. I can envision that being line one of your query letter. The second section could be "to avoid" and list creative hazards like the gangsta pixies. Follow that with a simple (50 word) idea of your character and premise. Your humor can be your hook. If your pages hold up, I can see this selling easily enough.

BTW, the title's not too great a loss. I received 38 fantastic title suggestions from Snarklings during the last crapometer, one of which I adopted. Can anyone suggest some for the author here? I'll take a stab, though titles are not my strength. How about:
"Wanted: Godmother"
"Kissing Frogs, Kicking Ass"
"Lillabeth and the Gangsta Pixies"
"Godmother and the Pixies"

Anonymous said...

Last Anonymous:

How cool are you???? Very cool. Thanks for the help and yes...I'd love suggestions for the title.

Thanks to all the commenters and de-lovely Miss Snark. I've definately been schooled these past few weeks.

Blogless Troll said...

I definitely think "Gangsta Pixies" should be in the title.