HH Com 605

Scholar and seducer, Thomas Lovell is young, ambitious and a little too clever for his own good. Whilst such failings are not uncommon in the penniless nephews of great men -particularly those with determined mothers - when the great man in question is the Sorcerer Duke, ruthless master of court intrigue, practitioner of arcane arts and focus of implacable enemies, the danger increases exponentially. A wise nephew would curb his ambition. But Thomas, though clever, is not yet wise. Whether he will grow old enough to grow wise, or grow wise enough to grow old, is, as yet, uncertain.

(your hook starts here)
With his finger in a dozen dangerous pies and his boots passing beneath nearly as many rumpled beds, Thomas finds he is caught in a web of deception spinning far beyond his control. Outplayed by his victims, humiliated by his latest conquest and harassed by his family, he at last understands that he is a pawn in a game with opaque rules and nasty consequences. And most dangerous of all, he is about to fall in love.

I'd need more specifics about the plot to get hooked on this.


Virginia Miss said...

You might want to keep the first sentence from the first paragraph, but the rest of it made me yawn. Delete the rest, but do mention in your re-write that your world contains sorcerers.

"caught in a web of deception spinning far beyond his control." = cliche.

Give us the good stuff -- how have his victims humiliated him?

I Said said...

It is too generally described here for the drama that seems to be within the story.

Show that drama in less vague terms.

Anonymous said...

There are a few interesting points in the first paragraph and definitely some gems in the 2nd. While the details are vague, the writing is good. You've got something so don't be discouraged.

Suggestions: Lose the bit about the mother, shorten the description of Sorcerer Duke -- is he a sorcerer and a duke or do people actually call him that :(

I like the last sentence of the 1st paragraph, but seems like it would work better at the very end.