HH Com 608 (607 is reading Against the Day--still)

Sara wouldn’t hurt a bug. In fact, she shakes her bedsheets out each night to save the spiders that seem to crawl inside. So when Sara learns she’s pregnant, she knows she must escape; otherwise she’ll be forced to surrender her baby to the government. Sara is clone, and a slave of the Andrida colony. (what does this---> have to do with her pregnancy?) Every day before working the mines, she gets a shot of Velo-3. Without it, the defect planted in her chromosome tips would unleash accelerated aging, hastening her death.

Sara secures passage to a refuge, posing as the Olive family’s new servant -- but the wife doesn’t want her around because she has a few secrets herself. There’s also a military man on board, escorting valuable cargo – the antidote to Sara’s chromosome defect – but he’s leering at Sara and seems to know her lie. Sara knows if she can fool them until they reach her refuge, everything will be all right.

But her escape goes awry when the ship crashes in a place where fact and imagination are blurred, Sara’s thoughts and fears played out by holographs, indistinguishable from reality. At the edge of sanity, Sara disables the holographic device, resulting in an unexpected revelation, and a choice: freedom in complete isolation, or return to slavery. It is through the struggle of this choice that Sara learns another side to the value of freedom.

Well this is an interesting idea but you've got too much going on for a hook. She's a clone, she gets pregnant, she has to escape. Then start. And why is it that she just happens to need the very antidote being carried on this ship.


Virginia Miss said...

The tone switches abruptly after the first two lines.

Consider another lead, since Sara's reluctance to hurt a fly doesn't relate to what follows.

BernardL said...

Confusing hook, but intriguing plot line.

I Said said...

How is she managing without her daily shot? If it's too much to explain maybe it shouldn't be mentioned here. There are ways to make this more powerful rather than everything being convenient.

AntiProton said...

"Chromosome tips"? Those are "telomeres", yo, and I'm dying to know what "defects" are "planted" therein, and how you can actually fix this with an "antidote". Now, of course, this may not affect the point of the story, but since you're bringing it up, you should at least read up on the biology. Especially since if you mess with the telomeres, you get cancer. If this matters to the story, you might find some neat ideas in the biology itself. If it doesn't matter to the story, you're just throwing junk-language around, and the two biologists that might ever read this will be disgusted.

author of the hook said...

Thank you, Miss Snark, for your feedback, and for the herculean effort you put into this HHCoM. I also appreciate the feedback from the commenters.

To commenter "antiproton": I am well researched on telomeres, telomerase and their role in both cancer and stem cells. I chose the phrase "chromosome tips" to keep the hook simple. Based on the feedback, I think it's probably better to leave the science out of the hook entirely and focus on the conflict and resolution following the escape.

Thanks again to all.