12.30.2006

HH Com 624

Librarian, Adriana Beasely becomes the latest in a long line of unwilling captains, duped by a feisty little ship, named The Ship of Dreams. The sneaky thing promises her adventure, but it comes with a price of blood, which it neglected to mention when it kidnapped her from little ball of blue and white, named Earth.

Hurtling through space towards an unknown future, she is saved by General Ian Blackous whose mission is to return the wayward ship to the rightful owner, the dying Empress Grace.

With a promise to return Adriana to an planet he never heard of and hasn’t a clue where to find, Ian returns to his home planet, Jaruk. They find the world plunged into civil war to seize the throne and destroy the reigning ruler by the High Priests of the Temple of Atthena.

Unknown to the priest’s they are being used by the ship’s original owner to reclaim his creation. The deceitful beast has no problem in destroying one world to retrieve his baby.

An easy victory is assured if Adriana uses the Ship of Dreams but the original owner seizes the citizens of the City of Towers and uses them as hostages. The only way to win is to sacrifices the innocent people of the peaceful city. Adriana refuses to become a killer and resolves to find another solution. She just is sure how.


Given how long this crapometer has been in the works, I'm surprised to find a single mistake in any of the entries.

Mistakes just yank you out of the narrative.

This narrative had enough problems without that.

This is a mess.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

What? And I put it together in half and hour! I shouldn't have sent it out, I was thinking about it and then just did it. I'm not even finished with the story yet!

Anonymous said...

Author, I guess no one else has told you, or is going to tell you, that you need to learn the mechanics of writing. Before you submit any writing to anyone, you need to punctuate it correctly. You need to read it over, and have someone else _literate_ read it for you. That's how you find dumb errors. (By dumb errors I mean mistakes you would have recognized if you'd spotted them.) Miss Snark is unusually generous in overlooking grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors, so when _she_ says this is a mess, you can believe it. If you're letting others see it, don't treat it as a first draft.

xiqay said...

Is the ship animate? Because if it isn't, then it can't dupe Adriana or promise her anything, or kidnap her.

Second paragraph--who is hurtling through space? Adriana?

priests


they are being used by--passive voice. And who is "they"--Ian and Adriana?

She is NOT sure...

There are lots of problems here--grammar problems, story problems.

Sometimes it's better to lurk and learn, and participate after you have a better sense of the standards. I did that during the last COM--just watched, read, learned. It helped enough so I could participate this time. (I still got snarked, but the feedback was helpful.)

Good luck.

Inkwolf said...

Don't get too cheesed-off, Author, the regulars of this blog knew this was coming for some time in advance and were well prepared. I guess you must be one of those who read about it elsewhere (or turned up late for another reason.)

I think your book sounds like it has potential, if you get it all sorted out.

And I hope you don't mind me pointing out the amusing (to me anyway) fact that your book has more or less the same setup as H. R. Puffinstuff. ("Come and play with me, Jimmy, come and play with me, And I will take you on a trip far across the sea...")