HH Com 635

Keltin has spent a mad decade among the street gangs of Deeken Township. Killing for revenge, fighting for recreation, using violence to feed his anger at a hellish childhood. Until Lia comes into his life. With Lia's help, Kelt builds a life-- a steady job, a steady home… and a steady love, the only one he's ever had.

But Lia is a brilliant artist who isn't afraid to paint the truth-- even when she should be. When several of Lia's too true-to-life portraits of Kalumay's cruel king come under the young tyrant's eye, the outraged King Jewd sentences Lia to die. Keltin goes to the only place he can for help: Cassus, a place of legend, of magic and fire. He will hire the Cassian mercenaries to invade the palace and overthrow King Jewd. He will free Lia; he will free Kalumay from a tyrannical king. He will be a hero.

But the mercenaries have ideas of their own, and Kelt's rash act --so reminiscent of the thoughtless compulsion of his days on the street-- soon puts the entire kingdom in jeopardy, and all the people in it. Because when the job is done, the Cassians don't want to go back to
where they came from-- they want to stay and make Kalumay their own.

Somehow, Kelt has to find a way to stop them, to undo the damage he's caused. But how?

How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they've seen Kalumay?

I like this.
It's not very zippy writing, but I like the idea. Kinda like Green Street Hooligans meets Mona Lisa Smiles.


Virginia Miss said...

Congrats on hooking Miss Snark. I thought you'd get told you led with too much back story, but you did present this pretty clearly.

a few questions: Hiring mercenaries sounds expensive, is Keltin rich?
Are the Cassians magicians?

Good luck.

BernardL said...

This reads like a Jet Li movie script, and the formula sells. It also makes me wonder why some of the other formula types didn't make it in. There were some written as well as this one.

xiqay said...

He goes to the only place he can for help.

I expected that to be back to the street gangs of Deeken Township.

The Cassians seem drawn out of thin air.

Why wouldn't they have wanted to invade and ooverthrow the King on their own? HOw does Keltin have enough money to pay for this huge operation? Why should we care?

Guess I'm skeptical.

Congrats on snaring Miss Snark's approval. Good luck.

Luc2 said...

The job is done, Keltin's got his wife back, so why should he care that the mercenaries stay? And why should he be the one capable to undo the damage?

I like the premise, and the hook is well written, but it seems to have some holes in it. But that can be fixed.

I look forward to the 750 words.

Anonymous said...

I would never, ever suggest naming your evil character Jewd. Rethink that, author.

dana p said...

Now that you've got Miss Snark's stamp of approval, I don't know if you're interested in additional feedback -- but because I liked this myself, I want to give some (you're always free to ignore me...).

In the first paragraph, the 2nd sentence is a sentence fragment. I love sentence fragments when used judiciously, but this one doesn't work for me, because 1) The 3rd sentence is also a sentence fragment, and 2) I think you could achieve a more powerful start by rewriting as follows:

Keltin has spent a mad decade among the street gangs of Deeken Township: killing for revenge, fighting for recreation, using violence to feed his anger at a hellish childhood. Until Lia comes into his life. (etc)

With this small change, you're down to one (dramatically effective) sentence fragment, and your opening packs more punch.

Good luck! You've got a nice, clear, comprehensible hook; I like your story's spin on that old warning, "Be careful what you wish for..."

Daisy said...

I agree with changing the name of the evil king-- I suspect it is one of those things where you're playing with names and never notice what you've come up with. (I once named a character, seriously, Charles Rickens. Fortunately I had a someone who caught it for me.)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the feedback, everybody. I like my king's name and may choose not to change it, though I'll take suggestions under advisment. He is not TRULY evil, after all. Wouldn't that be boring? :)

Also, thanks for plot tips, etc. Everything mentioned here has been provided for/worked out in the story, so I'm not too worried about holes. Yet. Wait til I have people start reading the whole novel... then I'll start to sweat.

Kate Nepveu said...

Author, I absolutely stopped reading on getting to the name "Jewd," so I wouldn't even get far enough into your book to find out that he wasn't truly evil.


Anonymous said...

This is the writer of 635. I just wanted to mention that I was chatting to my husband about the comments about my King's name. I told him that I thought it was rather silly, because Jewd wasn't even that similar to Judas.

He said, "I think they mean that it's too close to Jew."

Crap. THAT interpretation didn't even occur to me, and now I understand your warnings better. I may have to change the name, or at the very least the spelling. Thanks for the heads-up, all. I wouldn't want this to get rejected just because some agent was bothered by the name.

Kate Nepveu said...

Author: yes, "Jew" was exactly what I was thinking; sorry I wasn't clearer.

Best wishes.

Twill said...

Don't forget that "Jude" is also a derivative of a word for Jew. Doesn't matter how you spell it.