12.30.2006

HH Com 645

Nyima Rewa never wanted to be a fighter. Her greatest aspiration was to control her vis, a sense that allows her to perceive and manipulate most forms of energy. Like all people who can use their vis, called Children, Nyima took an Oath to always use her abilities for the
betterment of her country. Under normal circumstances that would have been a peaceful enterprise, but Nyima's country, Bod, was invaded. For years she upheld her duty and defended her people, until Bod was conquered. Now her people work to keep their culture alive in exile.
It isn't home, but it's peaceful.

At least until Nyima gets a letter from an old friend, Odhràn Torley. Odhràn's country, Eikrengt, isn't at war, at least not yet. But the way Odhràn's old enemy is stirring up trouble, civil war might be just around the corner. (your hook starts here --->) The last thing Nyima wants to do is get involved in another war, but stopping a war before it starts - that would be worthwhile. And after Odhràn risked his life to help her people all those years ago, she can't refuse. So she agrees to lend Odhràn and his followers her expertise in espionage and hidden war.

But to help him, Nyima might have to kill - something she swore never to do, even to save her friends or herself. No matter how many of her oaths she's broken, no one has a right to ask her this. Do they?

Lose the backstory, focus on her dilemma.

5 comments:

Cheryl Mills said...

Names like these are why I don't read fantasy.

"I'm Odhran from Eikrengt!"

me: "What? You're Old Ron from Ike Rent? But I returned the tent and tables last week! No, please don't manipulate my energy! Waaaa!"

Lee said...

Obviously the delimma is she has to possible kill or destroy something she loves for the betterment of the whole. I'd like to know what it is. Is it a child, animal, what? If this a synopsis, she can reveal it. It shouldn't be a mystery.

I'm wondering is there a romance in this? And what was the favor the person did for her...

My complaint about fantasy is the names. I write fantasy and use angol-saxon names. Easier to remember.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I recognize Odhran, actually. It's a Gaelic name. I thought it was Irish, but given that the ` mark goes down instead of up I guess it's Scots.

Although it could be a made up name that accidentally ended up being a real name.

Anonymous said...

:Tired editor:

"Eikrengt" -- I made that sound when I slammed my thumb in a drawer.

Please opt for easy to read names. I'm really fed up with visually exotic, impossible to pronounce stuff. Take off double points for using apostrophes.

Twill said...

I don't agree with the name-xenophobes who demand that everything be English. On the other hand, I like to feel that the various names bear semantic relationships to each other.

I didn't get this feeling from the pairs - Nyima Rewa (Africanoid) and Bod (indeterminate);Odhràn Torley (Gaelic?) and Eikrengt (Germanic?). For purposes of the hook, you can leave out the names of the countries completely.

The other thing that you can do is remember that countries have multiple names - in their own and their neighbor's languages. (Germany = Deutchland = Alemania) and (Spain = Espan~a) for two examples.

So, to satisfy eveyone, you can keep the internal name constant - Eikrengt - while providing a more easily pronouncable alternative name in Nyima's (or our) language - Acrent or Ikring or something like that.