HH Com 659

Mary Potter, a southern, smart-ass, overworked VFW bartender would love to
kill a customer or two if she could get away with it. (Due to the ineptness of the small north Florida town's police department, she probably could.)

When Mary's least favorite customer is murdered she has no proof she didn't do it. She quickly becomes the scapegoat and turns to Michael Sweeney for help. Sweeney, former Orlando cop and now newly licensed P.I., rents the other side of Mary's duplex. Personality-wise, they couldn't be more different, but work great as a team. Together they unravel the long-standing conspiracy and deception going on at the VFW, reveal the killer and prove Mary's innocence.

(leave this out)
CLOSING TIME, my first attempt at a novel, was written after I was fired from my job of 8 ½ years as a VFW bartender because of my "attitude." Character names have been created to protect them and myself from the assholes.

Fond as I am of bartenders who serve up the elixir of life, you're going to need more about the plot and less about the set up to hook me. You've got a bright energetic voice that I like and this has potential.


Virginia Miss said...

I loved the first paragraph. The second one: meh. The last paragraph waved red flags. I'd never want to read "an attempt at a novel" based on a sour grapes real-life situation.

Anonymous said...

Mary Potter
Harry Potter

Something less pop culture in the name department is needed.

angie said...

The novel sounds interesting - nice voice - but the last paragraph doesn't help you one bit. Yay, you've got experience as a VFW bartender, but the tone of the rest of it comes across as way unprofessional (even if it's true!).

roach said...

"When Mary's least favorite customer is murdered she has no proof she didn't do it. She quickly becomes the scapegoat"

I've read something like this in a few other hooks and it's really bothered me. I'd like to have a little better hint about why she's a suspect, other than author contrivance. Since you don't need the last paragraph you have room for elaboration.

Anonymous said...

Red flags:

1. "My first attempt at a novel..." --> You admit the ms isn't ready for publication.

2. "...because of my 'attitude'"
--> Writer potentially has a chip on her shoulder and would be difficult to work with.

3. "...protect myself from the assholes" --> confirmation of the aforementioned chip on shoulder.