HH Com 75

Brittan Lee Hayworth is a fifty year old woman with a forty year old secret.

On the eve of Hurricane Dora, Beth Ann Hamilton and Brittan Lee were kidnaped by a black teenager. Marshall Hayworth died attempting their rescue. The building was struck by lightning and burned to the ground also killing BethAnn and the kidnapper.

Brittan Lee was found in a storage building under the Liberty Oak on the court house grounds two days later.

In the steamy summer days of 2005, the skeletal remains of a young girl are found in a car submerged in the Altamaha River, near Liberty, Georgia.

Brittan Lee returns home from a long self-imposed exile to confront her past, but someone doesn’t want her to remember.

FBI Agent Andrew Zeller probes into the events of that summer. Brittan Lee shares stories of white men patrolling the streets under the Liberty Oak, of her father helping men injured during civil rights demonstrations, of meeting Reverend Martin Luther King.

Brittan Lee is in danger from the moment she arrives in Liberty, even as she is greeted by those who forty years earlier had whispered about her father’s death. On the eve of Hurricane Daphne, her namesake niece is kidnaped, left in the same storage building under the Liberty Oak. Brittan Lee finds the strength within herself to help her niece, outwit her attacker and discover the truth behind her father’s death and Beth Ann’s disappearance.

In 1965 you seriously expect me to believe that a black teenager kidnapped two white girls? What the f for? Ransom? yea right.

This plot screams contrivance. I'm not sure what the story actually is. Long buried secrets are over used as a plot device.

You also realize you kill off ol' Beth Ann in paragraph one and miraculously bring her back to life only to lose sight of her in the last paragraph.

Start again. This isn't serving your needs for a good hook.


HawkOwl said...

You know what this reminds me of? Swamp Castle. "The third one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp."
I'm also tired of mysterious memories / truths / things people don't want you to remember. I never realized how much that's done until I started reading these hooks.

Xiqay said...

I found this confusing.

So I agree with Miss Snark. (Sometimes in sync, sometimes not.)

luna_the_cat said...

Confusing. Seconded. No, thirded. Whatever.

Is Brittan Lee dead, or not? It sounded at first like they found her corpse...then she turns up trying to remember her past? Was she Resurrected? Now THAT would add interest....

thraesja said...

The names Brittan Lee Hayworth and Beth Ann Hamilton are way too similar to be anything other than confusing. If you've done this intentionally to show how alike the two girls were, stop it. Stop it now. And you've named the niece after Brittan Lee? No good can come of this.

You need more specifics. Is Beth Ann killed in the lightning strike (paragraph 1), or did she disappear (paragraph 7). You don't even mention the father's death until the last paragraph, yet it seems to be a major plot point. Oh, wait. Marshall Hayworth must be her father. The fact that her father is the Marshall is probably meant to clarify that Brittan Lee is white. Please don't make me work this hard to figure out what you mean.