12.16.2006

HH Com 77

When Danny Jones, a sixteen year old African American boy, refused to become a victim of a drive-by shooting and defended himself by means he couldn't comprehend his troubles just began. At some level Danny always knew that magic was real and the fairy tales were true accounts of the past but he never dreamed that he was going to step into a dark and twisted tale where the happy ending was far from certain, everybody was not what they seemed, and people used magic for all sorts of things, ranging from cutting hair to controlling half of the world's economy through a vast network of ruthless sociopaths.

Sam, a self-described people investor, takes Danny under his wing and teaches him about magic and history he knows from being in the middle of every pivotal moment of the last century. Sam is desperately trying to keep Danny safe as an endless parade of people with magic abilities, one more dangerous than the other, is trying to kill or enslave him.

We follow Danny for seven days as he's trying to survive, adapt to his new life, and sort out his feelings for Helen, a young woman of Danny's age. At the end, after causing the deaths of several people he cares about and learning from a DNA test unsettling facts about his pedigree, the pressure becomes too much for Danny and he becomes suicidal. Only Helen's intuition can save him but in doing so she might lose her own life.


where to start.
You're opening with the start of the book which is probably not the most compelling thing. The hook here is that Danny has seven days to adjust to the new world he finds himself in when he discovers he's part of the magic world.

Revise.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm picturing Danny Jones as a bullet bursts through his living room wall. In the nanosecond before the bullet strikes his head, he throws his hand up and says, "Uh-uh. Not this time. I refuse to be a victim of this shooting. I reject you bullet. Away with you." With a flourish (of his African-American hand) the bullet veers to the left and embeds in the 52" Sony Plasma. The T.V. flickers and goes black (or African-American, to be PC).

His wife jumps to her feet. "Baby, are you okay? I just want to make sure you're okay before I bust your head for ruining my television night. Idol's on, goddam it."

Anonymous said...

LOL

Anonymous said...

"refused to become a victim of a drive-by shooting" let me tell you something. That is not an option in my neighborhood.

This is too funny!

Michele Lee said...

I like that the main character is black/African American because these sort of stories are usually about white folk.

Anonymous said...

This is exactly the way I wrote it. You must have read it! With one exception. It was actually a drive by paint ball shooting and his five inch black and black TV actually went redneck to be politically incorrect...

Anonymous said...

This is stiff...sounds like one of mine!

randomsome1 said...

Wow, that second sentence is a mouthful.

HawkOwl said...

Damn! It's the second hook so far that's off to a promising start with a teenage protagonist, and then ruins it with urban fantasy. I'd totally read about a sixteen-year-old African-American boy who refuses to be a victim, if it was a "keeping it real" sort of story.

wonderer said...

Hawkowl, YA fantasy is very hot right now, according to Kristin Nelson. You don't like the genre? Fine, but don't criticize the novel on that basis.

thraesja said...

Wow. Run on sentences with convoluted twists and confusing clauses. I might be interested in this story, but if the novel is as poorly written as the hook, count me out. I do like the black protagonist in a fantasy, but without clear writing this is a definate pass.