12.16.2006

HH Com 80

The once dazzling and undauntable Izzy Bauman, at 45, is a shadow of her former self, and nearly twice the size. Holed up in her suburban New York McMansion, Izzy, with the aid of Peapod, Amazon.com, and caller ID, has successfully managed to evade just about everyone from her highflying days with the exception of Howard (her long-suffering husband stuck with the carpooling and ferreting (interesing word choice) local goods between deliveries), and Samantha, her tragically untormented teenage daughter.

With her media-whoring shrink too busy ruminating on the pathologies of Fox TV’s latest celebrated wife killer to offer aid beyond another hastily dashed-off script, and the mesmeric Rabbi Schlomo Fekstein (enlisted by Izzy’s mother to “get some god into that house, for god’s sake”) spending their sessions exorcizing his own demons, Izzy’s salvation appears improbable.

That is, until Jesus Hernandez, the Nicaraguan stone mason she hired to wall in her property, corners her one afternoon behind the potting shed and confesses his love for her in shattered English. Amused by the fabulous absurdity of the idea, Izzy is also charmed by Jesus’ earnestness, and when he offers to take her on daily morning walks for exercise, she accepts. In the stillness of dawn on their long excursions down rolling country lanes, Izzy even begins to imagine that this wild-eyed evangelizing foreigner might help her find her way back to a world where there are still things worth dying –and living– for.


Well that's a hook.

It's also rife with cliche characters but that's a whole different crapometer.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gee, that's my ideal life -- to hole up with my computer and avoid people. Ditch the husband, don't need the kid. Maybe add a yapper dog.

And the stone mason?? I'm too jaded to either want or need a man...

My life has become a cliche! Yippee!

Anonymous said...

...hired to wall in her property...

Just a grammatical question that I cannot answer... Would you hyphenate "wall-in," or am I imagaining my own grammer rules? I honestly don't know the correct answer... Hit me with clue-gun!

Lynnzer Tart said...

So does this mean Miss Snark wants pages or is she just have to be happy that Miss Snark agreed there's a hook?

Anonymous said...

Yanno, using age stereotypes as a substitute for character development can be as annoying as any other kind of stereotype.

Anonymous said...

Isn't "rife with cliche" a cliche?

HawkOwl said...

So does something actually happen at some point?

Michele said...

To anonymous with grammatical question: "wall in" as a verb (To wall in her property), but hyphenate when used as a compound adjective (her walled-in property).

Xiqay said...

Another one I agree with Miss Snark about! Yay!

I liked this.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm 45, a shadow of my former self (and maybe 20 pounds heavier) and I am hooked. I would make the husband not so good (maybe she can have a helpful, funny neighbor or mom) to give her an excuse to fool around, but that's just me and my baby-boomer imagination.

Anonymous said...

.hired to wall in her property...

Just a grammatical question that I cannot answer... Would you hyphenate "wall-in," or am I imagaining my own grammer rules? I honestly don't know the correct answer... Hit me with clue-gun!

Grammer? You mean of the Kelsey variety?

Dave said...

You are rewriting Tyne Daly's role in Judging Amy, aren't you? The spanish gardener gives it away.

Anonymous said...

I'm hooked. The new love interest should turn out to be one of her shrink's lady killers. Poor Izzy must decide if conjugal-visit sex is worth living for.

Virginia Miss said...

I liked this, but found some of the sentences overlong. The second sentences is 58 words and the third is 56. I can handle one or the other, but two in succession feels clunky.
The final sentence is 43 words but could be pared down a leaner 24:
Can this wild-eyed evangelizing foreigner help her find her way back to a world where there are still things worth dying –and living– for?

Izzy_Bauman said...

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and comment on my hook (not to mention, Miss Snark, who has made an extraordinary sacrifice of time and expertise for us).

I hope it's not too inappropriate for me to respond to some of the comments.

1) Yes, the characters are "rife with cliche", purposely so. The story is told through Izzy Bauman's first person voice. If all the characters in her life - including herself - weren't such a cliche, perhaps she wouldn't be so *(&$#$ depressed.

I failed to convey this in my hook, though.

(Of course, finding everyone in one's life a cliche is a cliche too.)

2) Regarding age stereotypes, if "at 45" conjured up the mid-life crisis stereotype, it did its job. Wouldn't using more words to generate the same image have been even more annoying? The commenter here must be a youngun. :)

3) Yes, lots of things happen (they all die). But this exercise is about writing a hook, not a synopsis.

4) Never saw "Judging Amy" but guess I ought to now.

wonderer said...

I was intrigued by the first and third paragraph - why spend so much time (in the second) on the people who aren't helping her and are therefore also not contributing to the plot?

There are some interesting turns of phrase, but as virginia miss said, you have a lot of sentences that don't need to be as long as they are.

Pachuco Cadaver said...

Good stuff. Cliche isn't a bad thing when it's used as a device. I like the idea of Izzy hiring Jesus to wall her in, but instead he leads her out. Nicely done.