12.16.2006

HH Com 87

When Taere Flarion accepts his latest job to “re-acquire” a stolen prototype from the great Tower in the capital city of the Cloaklands, he expects his carefully planned heist to go cleanly and smoothly and without many complications. In a series of instances of terribly bad luck, however, his plan is dashed against the rocks in its last moments by a collapsing staircase, an escaped political prisoner named Alexia with no knowledge of her crimes, and a thief named Mur who has been commissioned by one of Taere’s former employers. After botching his job, Taere joins up with the two fugitives by necessity, and finds himself unwillingly plunged back into the type of life he left behind two years ago, as he becomes the quarry of a relentless band of trackers led by a ruthless man named Tariq. Taere quickly becomes both the pursued and the pursuer, as during their escape, he Alexia and Mur discover a town mysteriously razed by some unknown force. In his first of many attempts to regain control of his situation, Taere makes the decision to find out how he, Alexia and Mur are connected, and why everything, including the razed town, seems to relate back to Taere’s previous life. A world filled with political intrigue, fantastical beasts and machines, and conflicting unknown and sinister forces threatens to tear Taere apart in more ways than one in CHIMERA.

Plot run down of course, and bloated writing "a thief named Mur" "political prisoner named Alexia"--Alexia, a political prisoner; Mur, a thief.

this kind of over writing is death. I see three examples on a first page and I stop reading right there.

Every single word matters.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't figure out how to say the hero's name, and anyway it starts with the same letter as the bad guy's name, so I'll just mix them up a lot when they have their big fight at the end of the book.

Or maybe not, since I won't buy it because that name I can't figure out how to say is really annoying me now.

Janette Rallison said...

When you rework this--and you should--don't give up, also remember to make separate paragraphs. Give us some white space. That one big block of writing is hard on the eyes.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I'd lead with "After botching his job..." Everything else is filler. This hook became more intriguing as it went along, but the lack world-building would make me pass it by in a bookstore. We don't need great swathes of detail, but we need something that shows us what makes this world more than just Generic Fantasy Land.

Also, watch those cliches. Don't tell us there's "fantastical beasts" and "sinister forces", tell us there's "griffons" and "an evil brotherhood dedicated to the eradication of short pants" or whatever.

This hook has its details in the wrong places.

Virginia Miss said...

Some examples of bloat from the first sentence alone:
"accepts his latest job to" could be "undertakes"
cut the name of the capital city
cut repitition, excessive adjectives and adverbs.

Clean it up.

When Taere Flarion undertakes to re-acquire a stolen prototype, his heist is thwarted by a collapsing staircase, an escaped prisoner, and another thief.