12.16.2006

HH Com 92

I, Steven Morgan Carter, being able to read and write, would like to give my stuff away if I die. After what happened this morning, I had to be sure the right things would be done, just in case.

My little brother, Justin, can have any of my toys he wants. Mom can have my clothes and pictures. Dad can have my video games. Andy, my best friend and the only one who understands Doorstep, can have him. And the red wagon we pull him around in. Pieter can have his checker board back, even though he’s been dead for five hundred years. I’ll tell you how to find him in a minute.


Ok. Remember what I said about form?
Well, sometimes form isn't all.
This works.
This works really well.

Winner

61 comments:

michaelgav said...

Wow.

I'm in. Give me more.

Cheryl Mills said...

I like this, too.

Marti said...

I like this one.

Anonymous said...

Best hook so far. Well done, author.

Ana Vicente Ferreira said...

Wow, I want to read this. This is really great.

Oh, and your Snarkiness, since you seem to have a direct line to hell, any chance of finding a place ther for the fuzzy brain who came up with word verification?

Anonymous said...

This is actually very clever. Not sure if I'd pick it up after reading this on the book jacket, but I like it. Here's a question: what happens after a minute?

Just kidding.

Anonymous said...

Right on!
Awesome.
I actually remember writing a similar will as a kid, sans the dead guy, of course.
Amy

KingM said...

This does not suck. Having said that, I hope this is just the hook. I could not read an entire book like this.

Jodi Meadows said...

I love this one. It starts off so sweet and sad, and I really feel for this kid...

Then boom.

Supah fantastico, author.

kitty said...

Short'n'sweet at 113 words. Congrats!!

Kate said...

Very, very cute.

Not sure I'd read it, but I love it.

Anonymous said...

Loved it. When are is it in the bookstores?

Elfje

MDavis said...

I think that's what makes this so appealing--it's something we can relate to immediately, and then...there's a guy from five hundred years ago we're about to meet. Great job :)

A Paperback Writer said...

So, when can I read this?

Anonymous said...

An introduction would clarify why he would want a will. Really!

Anonymous said...

This would have been great if there hadn't been a mysterious tense shift in the second sentence. I know the Snark is endlessly forgiving of such things, but other agents might not be, so I thought I should give you a heads up.

MichaelPH said...

You know what I think already! :) Congratulations C.

Anonymous said...

I like it because it makes me insanely curious... what happened this morning? And teh dead guy?

Anonymous said...

Bam!

Your intro is that something happened the morning before, your character is a sweet kid & (oh yes!) he knows a dead guy!

I'm so there. Great job!

(And, thankfully, a beason of light for we out-of-the-boxers [so to speak]; may we fare as well with Her Snarkiness!]

nitwitness said...

You're kidding about 'an introduction', right?

The idea of the hook is to get the reader to BUY THE BOOK and find out why.

Mad Scientist Matt said...

Sure an introduction would clarify things - but there's enough interesting hints in there that something frightened him enough to think he's going to die. Very interesting hook.

Conduit said...

I had planned not to comment on any of the hooks, even those where I disagreed with our hostess' opinion (this is not a democracy, after all), but this is superb.

Setting aside every other consideration of style and content (the authentic child's voice is sublime), this does one very simple and powerful thing - it makes me want to know more.

ello said...

WOW! It's really interesting to see how original and fascinating this stands out amid the rest of the hooks that I've read today. I see how it is with agents now. This is a tremendous education. You read and read same old same old and then WHAM! something hits that is new and fresh and different and of course you want more. I don't know if his pages will meet the promise of the hook, but this is by far the most unusual and interesting hook to date. Great job Author!

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm....please actually deliver.

I'm in, too.

cm allison said...

I'm sold, might be a bit too poignant for me, but would definately stat reading!
Great hook

Inkwolf said...

Hey, you! Number #93! I don't suppose you'd be willing to post a lil' ol' synopsis here in the comments column? I've gotta know more...

Ryan Field said...

Damn! Did Anne Tyler enter the crapometer? This was good.

Ryan Field said...

I hope we get to read a few pages of this, too.

Chumplet said...

I opened up my comments window with every intention of saying, "Wow."

But everybody beat me to it.

I'll still say, "Wow."

Sincerely, Number #428 (ouch!)

Emmy Voter said...

Joining the legions of the intrigued!

puzzlehouse said...

Probably not a book I'd buy, but the hook is damn fine. *Damn* fine.

(And gives me hope for my own formless entry, #614...)

desert snarkling said...

An introduction would clarify why he would want a will. Really!

Wrong! The fact that we don't know, and want to find out, is one of the things that keeps us reading on.

Well done, #92.

HawkOwl said...

Meh. It's almost like a very watered-down version of the "at-risk teen discovers magic powers" stories, except at no time did I get my hopes up. I doesn't suck. I just don't care.

Sonarbabe said...

Awesome. I can't wait to read some pages of this... and I'm the fussiest darn reader I know. Great job!

ERiCA said...

Wow. My favorite so far--kudos!

Anonymous said...

It's taken me a while to figure out how to post a reply, but I just wanted to say thanks for all of the encouragement!

I can't believe that I posted at exactly 8:03 pm and came in at number 92. Wow!

I'm glad my crap passed.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all of the encouragement! I'm glad my crap passed.

I'm not sure what Miss Snark means about form. And I thought hook meant the first words of your story. So hopefully I won't screw up the next stage.

Some of these comments are funny, not just on mine, but on others' postings. I like the last one. "I doesn't suck. I just don't care."

Did anyone calculate how long it would take Miss Snark to finish? I figured 72 hours non-stop.

Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the encouragement! I'm glad my crap passed.

That's a gross visual. Sorry. But I'm really in character as my 10 year old MC.

Xiqay said...

I am so glad Miss Snark liked this, because I did too. Great mid-grade voice. Definitely one to read.

takoda said...

Thanks for all of the encouragement! I'm glad my crap passed.

Please don't be too brutal on my next round. First, I don't know what Miss Snark meant by form. Second, I misunderstood what was meant by hook. So hopefully I'll understand what she wants (i'm guessing the first 750 words?)

Thanks to the person who said "I doesn't suck. I just don't care." That was really funny.

not-worth-much said...

For all it's worth, my favorite so far.

shelby said...

This is awesome.

Elektra said...

Did you ever read DEAR NAPOLEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE DEAD BUT... ?

Wonderful story.

McKoala said...

My little heart is bleeding. I'd read on.

Kim said...

This sucked me in and I want more! Of course, if I picked this up in a bookstore, I'd probably have to peek at the last page.. :)

Kudos on a job well done!

MWT said...

Just to add to the accolades...

My first thought when I got to the end of that was, "what? that's IT? but but but--!!"

So yes, definitely looking forward to the pages. ;) Awesome hook. The kind of awesomeness that would cause me to devour half the book before I realized I'd been hooked.

Janette Rallison said...

Hmmm. I wanted more information in this. Like is the narrator a child, if so how old? It seemed like a very young child, and I'm wondering how serious a death threat can be against a second grader. (Someone who has just learned to read and write.) But I did like that the writing flowed and didn't sound like a stiff, gimicky pitch.

Good job

Hoyt Peterson said...

With absolute no uncertainty, you nailed it. Excellent.

Anonymous said...

I totally have to second the "I doesn't suck. I just don't care." Nothing in the hook made me interested in any of the characters or finding out more about the story. It just fell flat. For me. Obviously, my mileage varies.

Virginia Miss said...

I'm with mwt: I read it and loved it but thought, that's it? Tell me more!
Then I realized that's what a hook's supposed to do. :)

wonderer said...

To the author: Congratulations! What Miss Snark meant by form is that your hook was supposed to be more like everyone else's, but because this pulled everyone in (thus accomplishing what a hook is supposed to do), you're allowed to bend the rules. What you send now is the next 750 words of the novel. :) Can't wait to read them!

Anonymous said...

I think this is wonderful. Gimme more.

When I was a kid, they would've had to pry this book out of my hands by force to get it off me before I'd finished it.

luna_the_cat said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

You ARE going to publish this, right? Because I want to read it.

MJ said...

This is the only one I've commented on - I am hooked.

Rei said...

Excellent hook. Nice to end on a chilling note.

CoyoteMom said...

My goal from reading these "hooks" was to learn to focus my own writing on drawing the reader in. That, and I love the "snarky" comments. This is one of the first that I'm saying....where's the rest? I'm 'hooked.'

Anonymous said...

Best yet. You rock.

Xopher said...

I see what Miss Snark means about form...this isn't a hook exactly, but I really want to read this book!

Writerious said...

I knew this looked familiar, but it wasn't until I checked in on the SCBWI boards that I remembered where I'd seen it. Nice job, fellow member!

ghostmommylady said...

Ok. I want to know what happens next. And why the heck a guy who's been dead for 500 years would want his checker board back!

j h woodyatt said...

Hell yeah.