HH Com 93

After eight years of dating, Jimmy Groves proposes marriage. He’s rocked when the woman not only refuses, but admits to being in love with someone else. She's strung him along because he’s good in bed. Shamed, dejected and angry, Jimmy vows to break his own share of hearts, experience some of that fabled meaningless sex.

He lucks into a bartender job at Balloon Smugglers, a high class strip joint, where he’s surrounded by beautiful women surely hot for some whoopee. Jimmy finds their interest in his average looks and empty wallet to be lacking. (diagram that sentence; I dare you)

Each night Jimmy observes wealthy married men leaving Balloon Smugglers with a stripper. Curious, he follows and finds they’re going to a motel for sex. How dare they disgrace the sanctity of marriage, something Jimmy had wanted so much. He decides to reap some benefit from these clandestine trysts and begins to blackmail the philanderers. Money rolls in, along with a new fascination from the dancers.

Jimmy’s last attempt at ransom involves a young Italian named Vinny ‘Lovegun’ LaRosa. Recently married to the daughter of the Don of the Dominico family, Vinny will stop at nothing to ensure his mafia dreams come true.

You wrote this cause you wanted to do research right?

I'm utterly over books about strippers.

Mafia dreams?

The commenters will help you see some of the more obvious problems- like a guy who wants to fuck around but is holier than thou about the sanctity of marriage.

There's a LOT wrong here. Try to get over the nausea of your work getting shredded and pay attention to what they say. Some of it will be good.

And more writing, less research, ok?


Anonymous said...

How dare they disgrace the sanctity of marriage, something Jimmy had wanted so much.

Yah. Because most men care about that so much. And if he's so hell bent on morals, why is he disappointed that the strippers aren't into him?

A Paperback Writer said...

"Jimmy finds their interest in his average looks and empty wallet to be lacking."
I can't diagram it, but I can parse it for you:
Jimmy= proper noun/subject of sentence
finds = main verb, transitive
their= possessive adjective
interest= noun/direct object
in= preposition
his=possessive adj
average, empty= adj
looks, wallet = nouns and compound objects of "in"
and= conjunction
to be = infinitive, functioning as an adj, modifying "interest"
lacking = participle, modifying infinitive and part of infinitive phrase
in- wallet = adjective phrase modifying interest

I know you're sorry you asked.

Anonymous said...

"He’s rocked" Are you starting a new lingo for 2007. The first thing you do not want to do is develop a completely new language with out Miss Snarks consent.

Than there is this "He lucks into a bartender job" than this "surely hot for some whoopee." I will stop there because I cannot take it anymore.

Elektra said...

I've both met and worked with a lot of strippers (not in a strip joint, for what it's worth). While it's true most of them do their share of sleeping around, it's also true that they don't sleep with the men from their club. Most clubs have a rule against it, as a matter of fact.

Bullet said...

Jimmy’s last attempt at ransom involves a young Italian named Vinny ‘Lovegun’ LaRosa.
You're confusing ransom (money for a kidnapper) and blackmail.
What mafia dreams? He wants to be one of the "philanderers"? He wants to kill people out in the middle of nowhere with shovels? Why do we care?
He sounds like an asshole and a scum bag to me.

Anonymous said...

Jimmy finds only their lack of interest in his average looks and empty wallet.

JPD (better?)

Kate said...

Yeah, Jimmy doesn't really seem to know wtf he wants. He wants meaningless sex but is pissed that others want it as well?

hypocritical much?

Anonymous said...

She strung him along for eight years? That's a long time to string and be strung.

A good stringing should take ten months, 16 max. After that, an intelligent person would have to wise up.

Anonymous said...

I suggest a completely new story following the words, "After eight years. . ."

Also, start writing a garbage first draft about who-knows-what like the rest of us do. Stop around 15,000 words and THEN figure out what your story is about. Plotting ahead of writing usually comes out sounding exactly like this for most people.

I dated Jimmy Groves, BTW. He's not good in bed at all, but his mother owns a Mercedes dealership and a day spa.

Just Me said...

And in the midst of all this, the extraordinary Miss S finds the energy to ask for a sentence diagram....!

If I may: Jimmy/subject finds/verb interest/object [to be]/grammatical error lacking/adverb...in his average looks and empty wallet/dependent clause.

(Thanks to my fourth grade teacher, Sister Mary Jeremiah, lo these many years ago...)

Rock on, Miss S. You've given us all the gift of hope this year.

Cheryl said...

I get it. The guy thinks he knows what he wants--love 'em and leave 'em--but he's a good guy at heart. Not too good to bribe people, though. And, he must be stoopid to wonder, "Hey, where are these rich, married guys going with the strippers?" They're going bowling, right? Or maybe to McDonalds.

Women don't string guys along for sex. Some of us will string you along for money and other such perks, but most of us won't give you the time of day unless we're really into you. To spend eight years with you, we've got to be in love, or very well kept.

Strippers aren't horny hounds. The idea that a stripper goes to the end of her shift hoping to get laid is atrocious. I think you've confused 'stripper' with 'whore'. Either way, it's about the money.

I do wish I knew more about what's going to happen with the Mafia guy, but since I don't read novels about strippers or the Mafia, I guess I'll never find out.

Anonymous said...

"Each night Jimmy observes wealthy married men leaving Balloon Smugglers with a stripper."

A. How many men leave with this particular stripper?

B. How does he know they're wealthy?

C. Doesn't this girl ever get tired?

D. I'd like to be the guy at the check-in desk when all these guys show up with one stripper.
"How many rooms, gentlemen?"
"Uh,(looking at each other)just one."

Mindy Tarquini said...

Jimmy’s last attempt at ransom involves a young Italian named Vinny ‘Lovegun’ LaRosa. Recently married to the daughter of the Don of the Dominico family, Vinny will stop at nothing to ensure his mafia dreams come true.

So Vinny beats Jimmy up, wraps him in a brick strait jacket and dumps him in the Schuykill River. Then Vinny goes home for macaroni and manicotti served on a red-checked tablecloth by the Don's daughter, Concetta, a hot Italian babe whose hair is as big as her heart. Though Concetta graduated top of her medical school class she has a secret dream of being a stripper and soon finds herself employed by the self-same club that employed Jimmy, he of the average looks and empty wallet. Concetta thinks all the random whispering concerns the size of her boobs, but soon realizes that the missing ex-bartender is none other than that schlub she led on for eight years because he did the hot man on top thing so much better than Vinny.

Anonymous said...

Blackmail and kidnaping are known in the criminal world as last resorts for losers to make money. People do it, but unless you are the Soviet Government and it is the Cold War, it is a career with a short time frame. If the person being blackmailed is connected with a Mafia family the time frame becomes considerably shorter. The question is therefore: once your character gets killed on page 10, with what do you pad the remainder of the story?

You could have fun making the Mafia guy Anthony Spilotro and the blackmailer Action Jackson and market it as S/M fiction. In real life Jackson was hanging on a meat hoot for three days while Mafiosi prodded him with a electric cattle prods. That is the kind of Mafia dream he would end up with.
I disagree with Miss Snark on one point inasmuch as there are hypocrites in the world, and lots of people are nauseated to see someone else do what they cheerfully do themselves. Whether readers would want to be nauseated along with them is another matter.

Elektra said...

just me, I think 'lacking' is a participle attached to 'interest'.

Anonymous said...

sorry, "Stripper" does not equate to "Prostitute". In fact most just want to go home and shove their feet into a warm whirlpool post shift. And it really is true, many are college students paying tuition the quickest and easiest way they know. BETTER research, less wishful thinking.

HawkOwl said...

Besides the fact that I don't care, is this Jimmy character a less-endearing rip off of Forrest Gump? He seems awfully dense and naive.

Anonymous said...

About the 'sanctity of marriage' stuff...it doesn't seem hypocritical to me, at all. Jimmy thinks that marriage involves a promise that you won't cheat. Before marriage, however, anything goes - because you haven't promised, yet. I don't agree with him, but I do see the consistency in his thinking.

And eight years IS too long. If you'd said eight months, I'd believe you. And if you'd added 'just after he found the perfect ring', then I'd REALLY start to feel bad for him. Emotional investment, and all that. I don't believe a guy who really wants to get married would date a girl for eight years without proposing.

Elektra said...

Another thing: I just can't believe that rich men would ever frequent a place called Balloon Smugglers. Aren't most "upper class" places discreet gentlemen's clubs?

Ski said...

Listen...I think this is good. What I don't buy is his motivation for the black mailing. I would (humbly) suggest that you change that motivation and you would get a pass from the critics. He sounds like a creep, and nobody likes a creep.


MWT said...

Aside from all the flaws in setting/character that everyone else is pointing out, I'd like to add that your hook begins at the last paragraph. The rest of it is backstory description.

Anonymous said...

In need of a thuggish antagonist, you of course resort to a "young Italian"* mafioso. While you're at it, why not throw in a drunk Irish cop, a stupid Pole, and a pidgin-speaking Chinese? I bet the Stereotypical Offensive Characters catalog would give you a bulk discount. Not to mention free shipping.

*I presume you meant "Italian-American," unless this all takes place in Palermo, in which case he would be Sicilian, not Italian. If you insist on complete unoriginality, you could at least get the doggamned details right.

Anonymous said...

On another point - his average looks and empty wallet don't impress the strippers? But when he gets richer, they're suddenly fascinated?

Those bitches, they're only out for money. Unless they're stringing you along for sex. They'll take a man for all he can get. Bitches.

You really, really need to revise your attitude to women. Among other things, it's bad writing - only sexually unsuccessful men who don't understand women and prefer to blame others for their misfortune take that line. Not-understanding is no foundation for good character creation.

Strippers spend their working lives around men who think that their favour can be bought. Jimmy suddenly waving money around is not going to impress them - they're used to it. If you want to get on with a stripper, try talking to her like she's a human being. In fact, try treating all your female characters like they're human beings. It'll be good for you.

Anonymous said...

His fiance was just using him for sex. The strippers aren't interested in him because he has an 'empty wallet' - and then suddenly are all over him because he's got money. There are no other women in the story.

Messsage: women are bitches who are all out to exploit you.

Pull yourself together; only sexually unsuccessful men who like to blame others for their misfortunes take that attitude, and nobody wants to read an author like that. Not understanding women is a vice writers can't afford.

Women are human beings. Start from there. If you can't understand them, you can't write them plausibly. And if you can't make all your characters plausible, there's no point writing at all.