12.15.2006

HHCom 15

When seventeen-year-old Alexis escapes death from the religious cult that raised her, she doesn’t know she’s only half human. She’s never been allowed to make her own decisions, drive a car, or spend time alone. Hitchhiking down the highway at midnight disguised as a boy, she’s picked up by Gideon, a shapeshifter with problems of his own. Alexis finds a friend in Gideon and together they discover the cult’s leader is a banished god named Nassaner, who derives his power from willing human sacrifices. He’s spent years brainwashing his human followers and since one of them is Alexis’s own mother, Nassaner will stop at nothing to get her back. If she is to survive, Alexis must learn to stop running and trust in her ability to think for herself.

(that's your hook--the rest is query letter)


Although this is my first novel, my short stories have appeared in Review and Herald’s Insight Magazine (student contest winner) Horizon, Hope for Women, Angels on Earth, Aoife’s Kiss, Beyond Centauri, Allegory and Peridot Books. THE PRIDE is a young adult urban fantasy, complete at 59,000 words and set in Northern Wyoming. If you would like to see more of this novel, please contact me using the information provided below.


You've confused character development with plot. Plus if this God Gone Wrong only chomps the willing..why does he want her back? Is she the only person who knows how to make salt?

Back to work.

9 comments:

HawkOwl said...

Cult: potentially interesting. All the rest: totally generic. I hate it when someone mixes a potentially psychologically interesting concept with total nonsense.

December Quinn said...

He’s spent years brainwashing his human followers and since one of them is Alexis’s own mother, Nassaner will stop at nothing to get her back.

I dig this plot, but I hate this part of it.

Nassaner is dying to get Alexis back because he has her mother? Shouldn't Alexis be trying to rescue her mother instead? If nassaner uses her Mom as bait, Alexis is more active instead of reactive, the plot is more active, and that's a good thing.

Anonymous said...

This is strangely familiar...

Evil Editor, right?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I've seen this before somewhere in the news. Poor Girl, even I wouldn't write this, just isn't right.
I want to escape when I am reading thats not going to happen here.

Virginia Miss said...

I like the premise, mixing the paranormal elements with the cult. I agree you need to give a bit more detail about why the god wants her and how she feels about her mother. After her escape, what is her goal?

Benja Fallenstein said...

I agree with Miss Snark: There's no plot, and that's a problem.

That said, I do like the premise, and if I were an agent, I'd read on just in the hope that it might be good. (On the other hand, I'm not an agent, and I don't know how often agents in that genre see something like this cross their desk with bad writing attached to it. The reason I'm saying that is that I've read that half-breeds are something fan fiction people know as a warning sign for bad writing. Note that I'm not implying that your writing is bad -- just that this might raise the bar for every query letter with these elements, and so it may be even more of a problem that you don't talk about your plot.)

You've told us the situation. Now tell us about the plot :-)

All the best,
- Benja

newbie here said...

This is the second entry I've read on here that uses the noun "shapeshifter." Anyone care to define it? Thank you.

jamiehall said...

newbie here said: This is the second entry I've read on here that uses the noun "shapeshifter." Anyone care to define it?

See Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shapeshifter

Also, you might want to change your title. There's already a shapeshifter novel (for adults) with the same title: "The Pride" by Edie Bingham.

Anonymous said...

You lost me at the end of the first sentence with the revelation that Alexis "is only half human." The interesting halh is the half not explained or defined. What is the other half? What special power does she have? Why does the cult leader want her back? Why does Alexis' mother being in the cult mean that the cult leader wants her back more than any other escapee. Bottom line: need a better sense of what makes Alexis so special and how her "specialness" relates to the conflict.