1. Spend a paragraph telling me you aren't wedded to the title and suggest options.
2. Tell me what friends of yours - who are "knowledgeable about publishing"- think of the book and/or of you.
3. Fail to tell me whether this is a novel or narrative non-fiction.
4. Putting "first draft" on your cover sheet. First, you don't need a cover sheet, and second, don't ever send me a first draft.
5. Talking about yourself in the third person in a letter is just weird.
6. Using the phrase "a perfect life" followed by "unravels". First, no one thinks they have a perfect life. You may construct someone you think would have a perfect life (usually it's the one you want) but you're not letting the character be anything but your fantasy creation. Perfection is dull dull dull and it's also boring, and did I mention a total snore?
7. Hyperbole about how I'm the perfect agent for you. Yuck....and a little scary since you're writing stalker serial killer fiction.
8. Telling me an editor from a major house has read it and commented favorably. Either you had another agent for this, or he read it at a conference. You'd do well to tell me if it was a conference (or whatever the circumstances were) so I don't wonder if this has been shopped around previously.