12.15.2006

Miss Snark would laugh but she's too busy emailing NITWITS

Okay to post this on the blog

Dear Miss Snark,

A literary agent, infuriated at the idiocy of authors reading her blog and sending their queries prematurely, turns into a bloodthirsty serial killer, slaughtering authors and the little creatures known only as Snarklings by piercing their tiny hearts with her heel. Police are puzzeld as they find only tattered remains of the bodies that have been ravaged by some small creature, shedding tiny white curls of fur. Their only clues are the repugnent smell of gin and a hwling cackle in the hills. My non-fiction story, "Fuck These Bozos", is 890,000 bloody words.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL. Pages, please. You hooked me.

eric said...

Hmmm...I dunno...sounds a lot like my memoir, Fuck These, Bozo. The often times unsettling truth behind one of America's greatest clowns and the much put upon assistant forced to seek out the means to satiate his employer's unending appetites.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, sonds good, but I don't like the title. Maybe, "Since of the Snarklings"?

Anonymous said...

eric, that's hysterical. You know what they say about the size of a clown's feet.....

Kelley Bell said...

Is it time yet?
Can I send it now?

How about now?

Now?

Is it time yet?

How soon, is it now?

I'll just go ahead and send it, cause Miss Snark loves me and I'm special.

Is there a way to use pink paper and glitter in an e-mail?

Marlo said...

Is there a way to use pink paper and glitter in an e-mail?

Kelley: Yes there is. It's called html mail, and it's hated with the blinding brightness of a thousand virgin sheets of unicorn stationery...

HawkOwl said...

Kelley - Yes. If you're using Outlook, you can add stationery to your email. This includes a cute background, a cuter choice of font, and if you're lucky, music. Not a word of a lie. Miss Snark likes the musical ones best.

Anonymous said...

LMFAO! Pink paper and glitter? Too funny Kelley. I'm picturing someone with globs of Elmers on their hands and arms with their tongue sticking out to the side, intently trying to paste a purple star on the page.

michaelgav said...

There is an out-of-print book of the same title. It was the memoir of Sylvia Stubbleford, erstwhile bearded lady of the Ringling Brothers / Barnum & Bailey Circus, circa 1954-1970. Ms. Stubbleford was a baseball groupie during her late teens, but when the minor leagues fell on hard times and her beloved Bellevue, Nebraska Pioneers closed up shop, she cozied up to the "sad clown" in a traveling circus (who didn't stay sad for long), and worked her way up to the big time. Her transition from "Bozo's Ho" to side show freak is a story of hope, determination and true redemption. It was a Literary Guild alternate in 1977.

Zolah said...

Intriguing premise, but unfortunately the writer has failed to do his research on a crucial topic. As all poodle fanciers and owners will know, this noble breed does not, in fact, shed. They are far too fastidious. Therefore Killer Yap could never leave such telltale clues behind. Rejected, with a copy of 'Everything You Need to Know About Poodles but Where Afraid to Ask' attached...

M. G. Tarquini said...

Poodles don't shed.

SamB said...

Is there a way to use pink paper and glitter in an e-mail?

oooooh!!!!!
I'm a scrapbooker and I can use lots of digital crap for the crap-o-meter. Maybe that's the key!!!!

Sam B

Anonymous said...

Toss it. He misspelled puzzled so clearly has no desire to really succeed. One misspelling is doom as I understand what I've read so far.

Yasamin said...

lmao!!! *snort*

i just choked on my tea. thanks.

Cynthia Bronco said...

Usually I don't read fan fiction, but this one sounds like the Next Big Thing!

matt said...

kelley, you can do better than that in e-mail. you can add animated gifs of dancing babies.

...beware the evil powers of html.

Chiron O'Keefe said...

Oh my GOD! Does laughing tea through the nose cause any permanent damage?

All I can say is... Now THAT'S a hook!

*still laughing*

Anonymous said...

Is there a way to use pink paper and glitter in an e-mail?

If you use MS Outlook, you can have pink e-mail with fireworks.

Anonymous said...

Naw, the glitter messes up the keyboard.

Jenn Moffatt said...

HOMG that is beautiful. I would so read that book - hell I'd make a movie!

Anonymous said...

ROTFL! Hey, sounds like a heartbreaking work of staggering genius to me ....:-)

Anonymous said...

Hey, Snarklings - I ran across this & thought of y'all:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/content?oid=113568#4

There's only a couple of hours left for bidding but it seems like a great package: get Gary Shteyngart's feedback on your short story/partial? hell yeah.

Anonymous said...

Non-fiction means....It's true?!?! Be afraid. Be very afraid.........

A Paperback Writer said...

Hmm. Maybe Bozos could be posted for free download on a website. I'll read it -- and probably order a copy off amazon, although my favorite independent bookstores are really good about ordering things in for me.
I'm hooked. How does it end?

colin said...

The only damage caused by snorting tea through your nose is to the tea - I would not recommend trying to drink it again.

Of course, if you put glitter in the tea first, and then snort it through your nose, you'll have sparkly snot. Won't that make you look special?