12.01.2006

Speaking of horreurs

Miss Snark:

I was reading your blog about the woman who sent in an 800,000 word manuscript with no SASE and I was wondering, does the MS have to be THAT long for you to consider it? That's a hell of a lot of padding, and my book is padded enough as it is. If I add another 100,000 words, somebody is likely to get wise. Would 700,000 words do? I am glad I don't have to send an SASE. My book is so big it would take a trunk like the one they used to use on the old Stanley Steamers.

Also, I appreciated the notes about the gift package. I wondered what it takes to get an editor's attention. I usually send out a tube of toothpaste, a bar of soap ripped off from the Ramada Inn Express the last time I was there (only used once), and a couple of cigars. Having worked in the business world I learned a long time ago that performance doesn't get you anything but fired, and you know what I mean, Miss Snark, or you would not be self-employed. What people are looking for is bull-uh-something. Nobody cares whether you can write or not (and they sure as hell don't care if I can. They publish my stuff anyway.) I will try your suggestions when I query you.


Many thanks for considering my query.


Yes, I know the perfect place for this one.

16 comments:

Cynthia Bronco said...

800,000 ...Eek! Don't pad. Be proud of your size.

Anonymous said...

The bigger, the better!

Anonymous said...

size matters not.

~Nancy said...

HAHA!! Good one.

~JerseyGirl

Roxan said...

I'm struggling to add words to my finished novel so it meets the word count acceptable for its genre. I've been told I should teach how to say the most with the least amount of words.
Would someone with an 800k word count be willing to give me some? 10k would be nice. I'll name my next pet after you.

Steve Prosapio said...

That one got me going. Love that the soap only used once...hopefully it wasn't dropped in a prison shower.

Anonymous said...

Actually, the consensus in my market is that they DON'T care if you can write. Unless, of course, you're already multi-published with them, in which case you can send them complete dreck and it's always "better" than what the newcomers send in, they'll publish old dreck before better new stuff, mark my words or not I don't much care.

MichaelPH said...

800,000 words? Wow. Don't you have to have a -ov or -enko as the suffix to your family name to write such a tome? The Russians have had time on their hands let's face it not to mention evidently wheelbarrows to haul those mss suckers around.

I hope there isn't a writers' gulag waiting out there for the clueless.

erin said...

You mean that wasn't a joke?

Miss Java said...

Oh good.

Then my 500,000 would be a nice novella then?

Greta LaGarbeaux said...

Good heavens. I fear that the more mischievous among the snarklings have a new pastime: Competing to give Miss Snark nightmares by coming up with the most dog-awful fake queries this side of Rabbitania. As if the poor woman doesn't already suffer enough.

LadyBronco said...

GAH!

That would take me a month to read!

Kim said...

I bet you could use that manuscript as a step-stool, to get things off those high shelves, or the top of the refrigerator, or the roof...

On second thought, better not - especially in stilettos. One wrong move and splat.

On the other hand, if you had a fireplace, you'd be warm all winter!

Please... please say this is a joke... it must be. It simply MUST be.

writtenwyrdd said...

Well, size DOES matter...it just depends on your point of view HOW it matters. (ducks and runs)

That was funny.

annie said...

You have GOT to go back to putting "beverage alert" on that stuff! Poor keyboard.

ORION said...

Now are those one syllable words in short sentences?
Because if they're short sentences and easy words I could probably read it...