Every time I read one of Laurie King's books, I'm reminded anew of how good and deliciously subtle her writing is. This is one author that every aspiring author should read about a dozen times, just to be watch the master at work.
For example: LOCKED ROOMS, what I'm reading now, page 85 in the hardcover, a Chinese man says' "I have to say, Miss Russell, that your display of English--do they call it 'phlegm'? is most impressive."
Well, that doesn't make much sense does it? But woe to the reader who thinks Miss King has gone off the rails. No no.
A mere nine paragraphs later, Mary Russell, in whose POV this chapter is told thinks "I might have returned his earlier question aimed at me, for his own demonstration of phlegmatic behaviour..."
the classic example of show, not tell. There's nothing in the narrative other than the correct use of a word, but it give us everything we need to know. This is the apex of elegant writing.
And that's just one example. She builds this elegant novel with elegant bricks, one by one. And the mortar ain't too shabby neither.
A piece of advice I give often is to closely study a book you admire. Watch what the author does. Laurie King would be a good choice for that.
1.07.2006
A Novel in a Year
The estimable Kitty, she of the photos that really do require keyboard insurance before viewing, sent this link to an article about how to write a novel in a year.
I think it's a peachy idea for those of you starting out. This is a much more realistic way to get a good start than the Novel in a Month competition. And if it's daunting to think "year"...just think of where you'll be next year if you DON'T start now.
You might also check out Louise Doughty's books to see if what she writes appeals to you. You're less likely to give credence to her advice if you think she can't write. I haven't read any yet, but I will and report back.
There's also a book called something like writing a novel on the weekend by Robert Ray. I read it quite a few years back and it seemed like cogent advice, and I like his novels.
I think it's a peachy idea for those of you starting out. This is a much more realistic way to get a good start than the Novel in a Month competition. And if it's daunting to think "year"...just think of where you'll be next year if you DON'T start now.
You might also check out Louise Doughty's books to see if what she writes appeals to you. You're less likely to give credence to her advice if you think she can't write. I haven't read any yet, but I will and report back.
There's also a book called something like writing a novel on the weekend by Robert Ray. I read it quite a few years back and it seemed like cogent advice, and I like his novels.
Time to vote on the Crapometer Entries!!--NOW CLOSED
A Snarkling reminded me that it's time to vote on the synopsis entries!
Vote is by email ONLY, and designation is by Crapometer NUMBER only.
Email misssnark @ earthlink. net (no spaces)
Votes in the comment column will NOT be tallied.
Contest opens NOW (Sat 9am) and runs through midnight Monday 1/9/06.
Here are the categories.
1. Most helpful synopsis (and 25 words or less about WHY)
2. Synopsis that made me want to read the book
3. Synopsis that made you want to read a book in a category you normally wouldn't
4. Most helpful comments
5. Best "coffee through the nose" comment (include synopsis number and comment)
I've avoided categories like "worst" and "bizarre" figuring people accepted my comments with grace the first time; why risk poking everyone a second time.
There's a back log of questions in my email box which I will be getting to.
Update: voting closed, results pending. Abacus Snark has been called in for tallying.
Vote is by email ONLY, and designation is by Crapometer NUMBER only.
Email misssnark @ earthlink. net (no spaces)
Votes in the comment column will NOT be tallied.
Contest opens NOW (Sat 9am) and runs through midnight Monday 1/9/06.
Here are the categories.
1. Most helpful synopsis (and 25 words or less about WHY)
2. Synopsis that made me want to read the book
3. Synopsis that made you want to read a book in a category you normally wouldn't
4. Most helpful comments
5. Best "coffee through the nose" comment (include synopsis number and comment)
I've avoided categories like "worst" and "bizarre" figuring people accepted my comments with grace the first time; why risk poking everyone a second time.
There's a back log of questions in my email box which I will be getting to.
Update: voting closed, results pending. Abacus Snark has been called in for tallying.
1.06.2006
Elektra!
Your last comment got shuffled into the reject pile by mistake.
Repost, if you can remember it.
It started .."off topic".
Sorry; it popped up just as I was clicking the "rejected" and you got washed out to sea.
MS
Repost, if you can remember it.
It started .."off topic".
Sorry; it popped up just as I was clicking the "rejected" and you got washed out to sea.
MS
Titles, and why Killer Yapp is Prince of Poodles
Dear Miss Snark:
Your blog is a delight; it almost makes coming to work every day worthwhile, just to check it out. (I only have Internet at work -- thank heavens, or I'd never get anything done at home!)
Now that the synopsis analysis is over, might you perhaps consider discussing book titles? What works, what doesn't -- that sort of thing. For instance, MASTER OF CROWS made me want to pick up the book. Titles such as THE CHOICE, while serviceable, don't have any pizazz. And some will actively repel readers.
And of course, there's another thing to consider: the possibility that the author will wind up with a hit series. This is another reason to think carefully about titles (even though most of us will never wind up with hit series, but hey, you never know, right?). Sue Grafton must be a bit nervous about now...and Janet Evanovich runs contests on her website to get titles for the next Stephanie Plum novel.
Thank you for all your kindness to writers, and Happy 2006!
Also a scritch behind the ears to Killer Yap. (Is Yap a Standard, Miniature, or Toy Poodle?)
Sincerely yours,
A Dedicated Snarkaholic
First, and most important, Killer Yapp is a New York poodle. Size is irrelevant. Attitude is all. The idea of describing anything about him as standard, miniature or toy makes him growl. When I asked him how to answer this question he replied "I'm a super poodle; I leap puddles in a single bound; keep the mailman away from the foyer; AND make sure Miss Snark gets off her slacker ass and runs around the reservoir daily" Other than the slacker ass part, it's pretty accurate.
Now about titles. Don't worry. Don't even think about it. Titles get changed all the time for reasons you can't even begin to list. Even if you end up with a series like Janet Evanovich or Sue Grafton, it may not end up titled like theirs are. Example: Elaine Viets. Her series is "the dead end job" series, but the titles are puns. Example: Roberta Isleib. Her golf series also has a play on words for the title, but the titles change before publication on occasion.
And sometimes titles change even later. I'm reading THE RECORD MEN by Rich Cohen, a brilliant book about Leonard Chess and Chess Records. The copyright info and LoC registry show it was originally called "Machers and Rockers".
So, just write a brilliant novel. Titles come later. After you find the prince of a poodle.
Miss Snark Just Might!
Miss Snark rocks the most. I can only imagine how much work that was for you, and I hope your inbox is giving you a sense of how many people were helped by it.
Possibly you should do a haiku crapometer next. At least they'd be shorter.
some good some messy
some sucked less than they could have
all edifying
Yanno....I like it!!
Pitching woo...or manuscripts.
Gday Miss Snark
We are planning to enter this pitching competition at the SF convention Conjure, to be held in Brisbane, Australia this year.
Could you share you views on whether to pitch the book or the trilogy, considering how integrated the later books are to the apparent wholly contained first book?
Does one mention it is a wholly planned series?
What should we avoid in this situtaiton?
G'day indeed. A quick glance at the rules showed that you have a VERY limited amount of time and words to present your idea. Don't waste it talking about anything other than THIS book. Focus! If they don't want this; they don't want a trilogy.
If you are going to be talking to the agent, I'd suggest practicing what you say. Make it a story. Time yourself. Two minutes tops. Start with something fun; don't apologize for your work either in words (I'm really nervous, I'm not quite ready; this is my first time) or in posture.
Treat it like a job interview.
Then treat yourself to a gin.
Snark on the barbie....wait that came out wrong.
Sending your manuscript
We'll review some of the basics for those new to the blog.
In reverse order:
2. No. Generally book agents are only interested in your book. If you had an actual deal, or a screenwriting credit, that's different, but speculative stuff is all talk until there's cash on the table. This looks like you're reaching for credentials. Leave it off.
1. You can buy a manuscript box at any office supply store. If one isn't near you, you can order online. You don't need a box though. You just rubberband the pages, slide them in an envelope that will hold all the pages without using bacon grease, then seal. I fold over the top of the envelope and tape it with shipping tape so the paper doesn't slide around. Then, off to the post office where you forgo anything requiring a signature from the recipient, and bob's your uncle. Don't forget to include a #10 SASE. Don't ask for the ms back.
I'm glad you're kidding about the pink paper with unicorns. The last person who sent me unicorn paper is now wearing it as a festive chapeau.
In my authorial angst, I'm trying to make sure I don't shoot myself in the foot. A couple of agents have agreed to look at me work, and am planning on querying a couple of others. So as I'm getting ready to send out my novel....
1) How the heck do you mail out a manuscript? It's about 260 pages. Can I use a 10x13 envelope? Should I put a rubber band around it? Should I use a manuscript box (and if so, where do I get one and what exactly is a manuscript box, and do I wrap it in craft paper before I mail it or just tape the sucker up and send it?)? Also, is it okay to print the manuscript on pink, unicorn stationary (okay, just kidding on the last one).
2) I'm currently writing a spec script with an established, successful screenwriter. I am NOT looking for a screenwriting agent - I will most likely use my friend's agent - I am looking for an agent for my novel (literary/mainstream fiction). Should I mention, at the bottom of my cover letter, in the about me paragraph? Currently, my query letter has the line, "I am currently writing a spec script with NAME (movie credit, movie credit, tv credit)."
In reverse order:
2. No. Generally book agents are only interested in your book. If you had an actual deal, or a screenwriting credit, that's different, but speculative stuff is all talk until there's cash on the table. This looks like you're reaching for credentials. Leave it off.
1. You can buy a manuscript box at any office supply store. If one isn't near you, you can order online. You don't need a box though. You just rubberband the pages, slide them in an envelope that will hold all the pages without using bacon grease, then seal. I fold over the top of the envelope and tape it with shipping tape so the paper doesn't slide around. Then, off to the post office where you forgo anything requiring a signature from the recipient, and bob's your uncle. Don't forget to include a #10 SASE. Don't ask for the ms back.
I'm glad you're kidding about the pink paper with unicorns. The last person who sent me unicorn paper is now wearing it as a festive chapeau.
1.04.2006
w2 4 u?
You're the funniest thing Ive read in yonks! Those bits from ms were hysterical and Ive posted them to another writer I know, you've made my day. Do you have a day job??
golly.
let me check.
Would you like to guess whether I do and what it might be?
Don't cheat by looking at the title of the blog,
or the topic either. That certainly wouldn't be fair now would it?
Actually my job appears to be bonking people with clue sticks.
Step right up, it's your turn.
Ballots on Broadway...Snark Style!
Not that Miss Snark would ever be so pedestrian as to actually solicit votes...
Killer Yapp: "what's wrong with being a pedestrian?? I walk all over the place."
but it has come to her attention that the flinty eyed folk at Preditors and Editors are running a vote-for-the-blog-that-has-been-of-help-to-you survey.
Well.
Not that Miss Snark would ever be so pedestrian as to solicit votes
Killer Yapp:"you said that already."
but, she IS on the ballot (fluffs hair)
and she IS on it twice (applies lip gloss)
and she's READY to assume the title of Miss America if us unable...
Killer Yapp: That's Miss America, and you aren't even Miss Congeniality. Sit! Stay!Give me one of the new Parisienne biscuits.
Well ANYWAY, here's the link to where you can vote for this blog if you'd like,
and another place to vote again.
To quote Mayor Daley, vote early, vote often.
Killer Yapp: "what's wrong with being a pedestrian?? I walk all over the place."
but it has come to her attention that the flinty eyed folk at Preditors and Editors are running a vote-for-the-blog-that-has-been-of-help-to-you survey.
Well.
Not that Miss Snark would ever be so pedestrian as to solicit votes
Killer Yapp:"you said that already."
but, she IS on the ballot (fluffs hair)
and she IS on it twice (applies lip gloss)
and she's READY to assume the title of Miss America if us unable...
Killer Yapp: That's Miss America, and you aren't even Miss Congeniality. Sit! Stay!Give me one of the new Parisienne biscuits.
Well ANYWAY, here's the link to where you can vote for this blog if you'd like,
and another place to vote again.
To quote Mayor Daley, vote early, vote often.
Why The Sunday Times is Nitwit of the New Year-update
Several Snarklings have commented on this:
First of all, let's just point out the obvious. No one thinks agents and publishers are infallible. Not even agents and publishers. We KNOW we miss good stuff. We miss it once a day, every day and twice on Sunday. It's one of the reasons every agent in the known universe (a universe clearly ignored by those flaming bags of dog poop at the Sunday Times) says "query other agents. What's not right for us can be just what the other guy is looking for."
So, we miss stuff. So fucking what.
And now that we know this is one of those specious exercises set up to tut tut about the abject state of letters in the cold cruel modern world, let's look at what they actually did.
They sent two typed chapters from novels written in the early 1970s. They sent them "written by aspiring novelists". Now, what's the one thing I've been howling about since the inception of this blog, if not the inception of the universe? All together now: "fresh and new".
Sending dated writing is pretty much guaranteed a no.
Next, cover letter. I bet they didn't try too hard to make it sound enticing. All of the press reports I've seen on this don't even mention the cover letters. If this work is from aspiring novelists, did they invent publication credits? Did they invent anything to make it sound like this writer was anything but someone writing like it was 1971?
Next, let's just step right over the fact that if any of the folks reading this recognized it, they are going to pass. Even if they don't recognize the actual words as "oh this is from that novel that won the Booker -before I was born!" if it sounds derivative...you BET your ass it's a no. Can anyone say Bear Bryant's Funeral Train? Rejection letters are not the place anyone says "you sound like you're channeling Booker Prize winners from 1971". "not for us" is the only thing anyone says then. If the Sunday Times doesn't know that..well, of course they know that. That's one of the reasons they're flaming bags of dog poop for this stunt.
Next, the idea that they just send it over the transom to publishers is insane. Particularly in big publishing houses, it won't get looked at. If anything, this just underscores why you DO need an agent if you want to be published by a big publisher.
Next, I pass on really good stuff all the time, with a form letter even, if my list is full. They sent this to ten agents. I'm going to guess, cause I don't know who they sent it to, that they chose well known ones. Yup, the very folks LEAST likely to take on "aspiring writers"...cause they are busy representing VS Naipaul.
And last: to assume that this proves agents don't recognize quality is bunk. If anything it proves exactly what I've been saying: agents are interested in what SELLS. Now, I don't have sales figures for these books....given they were published 35 years ago it would be very difficult to get them. But I'll tell you this: pick a literary novel, any literary novel even from a Nobel Prize winner, and "respectable sales" over the course of YEARS is the height of achievement. Most of them sink like rocks. Rocks similar to the ones in the heads of the Sunday Times editor who let this article run.
Of COURSE these books didn't fly. The news would have been if they had, cause pigs would have been next.
And furthermore: from the comments trail comes this excellent point--the people who are going to suck up this article and spew it out in their marketing pitches are those scam artists at the vanity mills. Thanks a lot Sunday Times...you've just made the problem worse.
New York Times January 4, 2006
Rejected by the Publishers
By LAWRENCE VAN GELDER
Submitted to 20 publishers and agents, the typed manuscripts of the opening chapters of two books were assumed to be the work of aspiring novelists. Of 21 replies, all but one were rejections. Sent by The Sunday Times of London, the manuscripts were the opening chapters of novels that won Booker Prizes in the 1970's. One was "Holiday," by Stanley Middleton; the other was "In a Free State," by Sir V. S. Naipaul, winner of the 2001 Nobel Prize in Literature.
Mr. Middleton said he wasn't surprised. "People don't seem to know what a good novel is nowadays," he said. Mr. Naipaul said: "To see something is well written and appetizingly written takes a lot of talent, and there is not a great deal of that around. With all the other forms of entertainment today, there are very few people around who would understand what a good paragraph is."
First of all, let's just point out the obvious. No one thinks agents and publishers are infallible. Not even agents and publishers. We KNOW we miss good stuff. We miss it once a day, every day and twice on Sunday. It's one of the reasons every agent in the known universe (a universe clearly ignored by those flaming bags of dog poop at the Sunday Times) says "query other agents. What's not right for us can be just what the other guy is looking for."
So, we miss stuff. So fucking what.
And now that we know this is one of those specious exercises set up to tut tut about the abject state of letters in the cold cruel modern world, let's look at what they actually did.
They sent two typed chapters from novels written in the early 1970s. They sent them "written by aspiring novelists". Now, what's the one thing I've been howling about since the inception of this blog, if not the inception of the universe? All together now: "fresh and new".
Sending dated writing is pretty much guaranteed a no.
Next, cover letter. I bet they didn't try too hard to make it sound enticing. All of the press reports I've seen on this don't even mention the cover letters. If this work is from aspiring novelists, did they invent publication credits? Did they invent anything to make it sound like this writer was anything but someone writing like it was 1971?
Next, let's just step right over the fact that if any of the folks reading this recognized it, they are going to pass. Even if they don't recognize the actual words as "oh this is from that novel that won the Booker -before I was born!" if it sounds derivative...you BET your ass it's a no. Can anyone say Bear Bryant's Funeral Train? Rejection letters are not the place anyone says "you sound like you're channeling Booker Prize winners from 1971". "not for us" is the only thing anyone says then. If the Sunday Times doesn't know that..well, of course they know that. That's one of the reasons they're flaming bags of dog poop for this stunt.
Next, the idea that they just send it over the transom to publishers is insane. Particularly in big publishing houses, it won't get looked at. If anything, this just underscores why you DO need an agent if you want to be published by a big publisher.
Next, I pass on really good stuff all the time, with a form letter even, if my list is full. They sent this to ten agents. I'm going to guess, cause I don't know who they sent it to, that they chose well known ones. Yup, the very folks LEAST likely to take on "aspiring writers"...cause they are busy representing VS Naipaul.
And last: to assume that this proves agents don't recognize quality is bunk. If anything it proves exactly what I've been saying: agents are interested in what SELLS. Now, I don't have sales figures for these books....given they were published 35 years ago it would be very difficult to get them. But I'll tell you this: pick a literary novel, any literary novel even from a Nobel Prize winner, and "respectable sales" over the course of YEARS is the height of achievement. Most of them sink like rocks. Rocks similar to the ones in the heads of the Sunday Times editor who let this article run.
Of COURSE these books didn't fly. The news would have been if they had, cause pigs would have been next.
And furthermore: from the comments trail comes this excellent point--the people who are going to suck up this article and spew it out in their marketing pitches are those scam artists at the vanity mills. Thanks a lot Sunday Times...you've just made the problem worse.
1.03.2006
Page 123 Meme!
I'm lollygagging around the blogosphere today, which usually translates to clicking on the links in my email to see what the cat drags in. As usual, some pretty fun stuff.
From one of my usual haunts, Tribe's blog, comes this:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around and look for the “coolest” book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.
By a very strange sequence of events I have a book open that produces this on page 123:
A couple of clues: it's not something from my slush pile. It is published. It's currently in print.
Any brave guessers out there amongst the Snarklings? And if you want to cheat and google, go ahead of course, but it takes the fun out of the game.
From one of my usual haunts, Tribe's blog, comes this:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around and look for the “coolest” book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.
By a very strange sequence of events I have a book open that produces this on page 123:
Yet on holding the verso against a lit rush this new book of Morses responded most remarkably to the silent query of our worlds oldest light and its recto let out the piquant fact that it was but pierced butnot punctured (in the university sense of the term) by numerous stabs and foliated gashes made by a pronged instrument.
A couple of clues: it's not something from my slush pile. It is published. It's currently in print.
Any brave guessers out there amongst the Snarklings? And if you want to cheat and google, go ahead of course, but it takes the fun out of the game.
Crapometer got you feeling bruised and blue?
Take heart; you didn't make this list...did you?
All true excerpts from stories submitted to Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine. (Spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the originals.)
Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."
The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
"Bastard! I shall severe your soul."
The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.
"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.
When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.
"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."
The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.
"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.
My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.
The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.
Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.
"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.
John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.
Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.
"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.
The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.
"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.
They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.
"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"
Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.
Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.
Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.
A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.
Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.
And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt...unusual.
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.
He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.
Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.
He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something,
what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.
There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian,
and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy
as a guardian, she might as well practice.
Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."
She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.
The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.
The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.
Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly.
"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.
It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.
On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!
"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."
He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.
Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.
A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.
Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.
Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.
Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his sister.
It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.
Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
( Was he too from Rabbitania?)
I caress her cheek. She shutters.
He whetted his lips.
(thanks to a Snarkling for the list!)
All true excerpts from stories submitted to Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine. (Spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the originals.)
Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."
The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
"Bastard! I shall severe your soul."
The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.
"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.
When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.
"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."
The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.
"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.
My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.
The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.
Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.
"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.
John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.
Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.
"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.
The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.
"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.
They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.
"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"
Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.
Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.
Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.
A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.
Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.
And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt...unusual.
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.
He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.
Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.
He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something,
what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.
There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian,
and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy
as a guardian, she might as well practice.
Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."
She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.
The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.
The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.
Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly.
"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.
It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.
On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!
"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."
He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.
Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.
A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.
Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.
Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.
Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his sister.
It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.
Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
( Was he too from Rabbitania?)
I caress her cheek. She shutters.
He whetted his lips.
(thanks to a Snarkling for the list!)
Happy Birthday JRR Tolkien!
After reading all those synopses the life of a hobbit sounds quite appealing.
Here, from one of my favorite daily emails, the Writers Almanac, comes this:
Here, from one of my favorite daily emails, the Writers Almanac, comes this:
It's the birthday of J.R.R. (John Ronald Reuel) Tolkien, born in South Africa (1892). His family came back to England after his father died and his mother taught him Latin and converted him to Catholicism. She died when he was twelve and friends said he stayed a Catholic and continued to study languages in her memory.
He went on to philology, or the study of the derivation of languages, at Oxford, and it was there that he met his friend C.S. Lewis. Lewis later said, "At my first coming into the world, I had been warned never to trust a [Catholic], and at my first coming into the English Faculty, never to trust a philologist. Tolkien was both." Despite Lewis' suspicion they took to one another right away and with a number of other men formed The Inklings, a group of writers who met in a local pub each week to talk about books and read aloud what they'd been writing. Lewis and Tolkien often talked late into the night about the idea that books could be "morally serious fantasy," dressing correct theology in the clothing of a ripping good tale.
Tolkien's idea for a novel came from his love for language. He was fluent in Classical Greek and Latin, Old Norse, Old English, medieval Welsh and Anglo-Saxon and an ancient form of German called Gothic, among other ancient European languages. He was so interested in the structure of language that he decided to invent an entire language of his own. He even invented a new alphabet to write in that language and when he began writing Lord of the Rings, he gave that new language to the Elves calling it "High Elvish." He later said, "I wrote Lord of the Rings to provide a world for the language... I should have preferred to write the entire book in Elvish."
Many critics now consider Lord of the Rings to be one of the greatest fantasy novels ever written. It's the story of Bilbo Baggins, a lowly hobbit who sets out on a quest to destroy a magic ring so that it cannot fall into the hands of the evil Sauron.
It took Tolkien twelve years to write The Lord of the Rings, in part because he was a great procrastinator and refused to take any time off to work on the book. He was constantly stopping his writing in order to research various details he wanted to include, such as the proper way to stew a rabbit. He wrote to his editor more than once to say that he wasn't sure he could finish the book, but after twelve years he had finally done it. He wrote, "It is written... in my life-blood."
Tolkien wasn't sure anyone would want to read The Lord of the Rings since it was hardly the children's book his editor had asked for. He wrote, "My work has escaped from my control. I have produced a monster... a complex, rather bitter and rather terrifying romance. I now wonder whether many beyond my friends would read anything so long."
The book was moderately successful when the first volume came out in 1954, but it didn't become a huge bestseller until the 1960's when American college students fell in love with it and psychedelic rock bands like Led Zeppelin began writing songs about it. Tolkein never enjoyed having become a cult figure in his own lifetime. He tried to live quietly for the rest of his life.
J.R.R. Tolkein said, "Literature stops in 1100. After that it's only books."
He once said, "I am in fact, a hobbit in all but size. I like gardens, trees and unmechanized farmlands. I smoke a pipe and like good plain food (unrefrigerated), but detest French cooking. I am fond of mushrooms (out of a field).... I go to bed late and get up late (when possible). I do not travel much."
Snarkling Anthem!!!!
Miss Snark, Thanks for your heroic effort of the past week.
The Snarklings' Anthem:
With a slosh and a clank of our pails full of gin,
Let the song of the satisfied Snarklings begin!
Synopses in shreds at our feet like confetti,
We cower before the steelplated stilletti.
Yet our mistress is merciful, gentle and kind.
When she tells us it sux, well, we really don't mind.
She is helping us learn all the tricks that it takes
To avoid making horrible nitwit mistakes.
So all hail to Miss Snark, let our praises ring clear,
And we wish her a prosperous, happy New Year!
(And a note on the side to that rogue, Mr. Clooney
If you don't see her worth, then you're really a looney!)
Cheers!
--PN
Miss Snark is blowing her pitch pipe and preparing to sing along.
Thank you!!
1.01.2006
That's All for the Crapometer!
99! Holy moly Snarklings! Gotta tell ya, I'll never do this again.
I'd probably do synopses again (but not soon) but I'll never do this many.
We had 107 entries, 99 crossed the finish line.
Some were tossed overboard for excess word count, a couple for being not-synopsis.
As you can see it took seven days to do it all, and I didn't do much else. Oh, a pail of gin here and there but not much work.
I conclude from the emails and the comment trail that it was generally helpful. I learned a lot myself too. (I now know what a mage is! and to never try to out run a werewolf)
And if you're having trouble posting comments, it may be because blogger has this blog on "spam alert" after all the posts. I've written to them to say I'm real, and not trying to sell penis enlargers from Nigeria, but it may take them awhile to answer.
And I really really want to emphasize how pleasantly surprised I am that no one, not one single person, wrote back to say "Miss Snark you stink". You really handled some pretty snarky comments with a lot of grace. I have a lot of respect for people who can do that.
I'm now off to lie on the couch, swill gin, and read the Times. I'm probably not going to post much for the coming week, but I'll quit deleting your questions unread.
Here's to a happy and prosperous new year for us all!
Snark On!
I'd probably do synopses again (but not soon) but I'll never do this many.
We had 107 entries, 99 crossed the finish line.
Some were tossed overboard for excess word count, a couple for being not-synopsis.
As you can see it took seven days to do it all, and I didn't do much else. Oh, a pail of gin here and there but not much work.
I conclude from the emails and the comment trail that it was generally helpful. I learned a lot myself too. (I now know what a mage is! and to never try to out run a werewolf)
And if you're having trouble posting comments, it may be because blogger has this blog on "spam alert" after all the posts. I've written to them to say I'm real, and not trying to sell penis enlargers from Nigeria, but it may take them awhile to answer.
And I really really want to emphasize how pleasantly surprised I am that no one, not one single person, wrote back to say "Miss Snark you stink". You really handled some pretty snarky comments with a lot of grace. I have a lot of respect for people who can do that.
I'm now off to lie on the couch, swill gin, and read the Times. I'm probably not going to post much for the coming week, but I'll quit deleting your questions unread.
Here's to a happy and prosperous new year for us all!
Snark On!
#99 Crapometer
Category: dog-geral
There once was a poodle named Yapp
who discovered his synopsis was crap
His jot and his tiddle, upon which were piddled
was rejected as cliche ridden fat.
words fail me
There once was a poodle named Yapp
who discovered his synopsis was crap
His jot and his tiddle, upon which were piddled
was rejected as cliche ridden fat.
words fail me
#98 Crapometer
literary fiction
“Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian,” April Riley imagines herself intoning for two years in a remote African hut: maybe by the time her Peace Corps service is up she’ll have gotten used to saying it – and being one. Then she can worry about coming out to her Born Again parents. Cathy Rudge, April’s only friend on this nascent trip to Africa, is ten years and a messy marriage older than any of the other recruits; her wandering husband came home after two years away, just when Cathy had given up and joined the Peace Corps. Recruits only get 80 pounds of luggage to carry onto the flight, but both women have plenty they’re trying to leave behind.
Their immersion in francophone Togo begins before the Air Afrique flight hits the tarmac. They are pressed in on all sides by a vibrant, chaotic world and met at the airport by their teacher, Henri, whose robes and deep facial scars seem the height of the exotic. But Stanford-educated Henri is plagued by family troubles and disagreements with the Peace Corps director, kept hidden from the Americans the way he hides his fluent English. The Volunteers’ three month training is to be a highly regimented, French-only experience. Too bad neither Cathy nor April can speak much French.
On an early assignment, April spends a week in an inhospitable village, an experience made worse by her uncooperative Volunteer host, her own clumsy French, and someone’s truly abysmal cooking. The chef in question turns out to be Gwendolyn, a transplant from English-speaking Ghana, as misplaced and as lonely as April is. Whether April’s ready to be a lesbian or not, she’s falling in love.
After a grueling month of training, Cathy still hasn’t heard from her husband. The trainees are forbidden to leave the village and reminded of a cardinal Peace Corps rule: any Volunteer caught riding a bicycle without a helmet will have her service terminated. Yet, hoping to use a phone in another village, Cathy and April sneak out. Cathy is unable to contact her husband and fears he’s, yet again, being unfaithful.
Having broken Peace Corps rules once, April goes AWOL to Gwendolyn’s village at her next opportunity. There, she discovers a new law, requiring fishermen to obtain a permit in the distant capital city, has sunk Gwendolyn and her children into poverty. They can’t afford the travel, nor the permit itself, so are forced to fish illegally at night, risking being shot by the gendarmes who patrol the area.
The Peace Corps assigns April and Cathy to work in neighboring villages, they move to Cathy’s house for the last phase of training, studying the tribal language with Henri. Henri inexplicably avoids meeting with the tribal chief; this rudeness creates havoc in the tribe. Further complicating their visit is the Prefet, a government functionary who was once a school rival of Henri’s and is now visibly delighted with his new power over Henri and his American trainees.
“When I had my daughter,” Henri tells Cathy and April, “I swore that I would not cut her cheeks with the balafre.” And he touched the gouges on his cheeks, marking him as a member of the tribe. “How could you cut your baby’s skin?” But his mother stole his daughter away when Henri was off teaching for the Peace Corps, and she cut the scars into the girl’s face herself, wounds which still have not healed. Henri has been unable to face his mother, now wife of the chief, ever since.
As soon as training is over, April moves not to Henri’s uncle’s village, but to Gwendolyn’s. Gwendolyn has gotten sick and is struggling to take care of her children. Cathy is left to cover for April’s absence, which becomes impossible in the face of the Prefet’s pressure and the rising anger from the village chief.
Gwendolyn’s village life is shattered when a truckload of gendarmes arrive, drunk, torching fishing boats and nets, as well as the permits each family worked so hard to obtain. April tries to intervene but the soldiers, unhappy to have an American witness their violence, arrest her. April evades them only long enough to help Gwendolyn, now very ill, into bed, where she kills herself by overdosing on the very pain medications April has brought her.
Cathy, now in regular correspondence with her husband, is growing homesick and increasingly frustrated with her village situation. Not sure what has happened to April, she answers a strange summons to the remote house where April, dazed and worried about Gwendolyn’s children, awaits the Peace Corps director and her certain deportation. Desperate to stay, April asks Cathy to convince Henri to speak with his uncle, hoping the chief can appeal the Peace Corps on her behalf. But asking for his mother and uncle’s help requires Henri forgive what they did to his daughter.
Henri approaches his mother for the first time since she cut his daughter; he also sends Cathy to ask the Prefet to exert his influence as well. Speaking with the pompous man, who clearly delights in the failings of the Americans, Cathy realizes that the thing he values most is his reputation and his power. Her only chance of saving April’s Peace Corps service is to forfeit her own, gambling that the Prefet would avoid the humiliation of losing all of the Americans under his jurisdiction.
Cathy sets off on her bicycle, into the desert, without a helmet, on the one paved road the director must take to bring April back to the capital. Sure to see her, he should, by his own threat, deport her for breaking this rule. Cathy hopes his pride, like the Prefet’s, will force him to chose to deport one Volunteer instead of two. When his van stops for Cathy, he’s irate, but his choice is clear: he will let April stay. Cathy will be the one to go home.
This is just plain excellent.
“Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian,” April Riley imagines herself intoning for two years in a remote African hut: maybe by the time her Peace Corps service is up she’ll have gotten used to saying it – and being one. Then she can worry about coming out to her Born Again parents. Cathy Rudge, April’s only friend on this nascent trip to Africa, is ten years and a messy marriage older than any of the other recruits; her wandering husband came home after two years away, just when Cathy had given up and joined the Peace Corps. Recruits only get 80 pounds of luggage to carry onto the flight, but both women have plenty they’re trying to leave behind.
Their immersion in francophone Togo begins before the Air Afrique flight hits the tarmac. They are pressed in on all sides by a vibrant, chaotic world and met at the airport by their teacher, Henri, whose robes and deep facial scars seem the height of the exotic. But Stanford-educated Henri is plagued by family troubles and disagreements with the Peace Corps director, kept hidden from the Americans the way he hides his fluent English. The Volunteers’ three month training is to be a highly regimented, French-only experience. Too bad neither Cathy nor April can speak much French.
On an early assignment, April spends a week in an inhospitable village, an experience made worse by her uncooperative Volunteer host, her own clumsy French, and someone’s truly abysmal cooking. The chef in question turns out to be Gwendolyn, a transplant from English-speaking Ghana, as misplaced and as lonely as April is. Whether April’s ready to be a lesbian or not, she’s falling in love.
After a grueling month of training, Cathy still hasn’t heard from her husband. The trainees are forbidden to leave the village and reminded of a cardinal Peace Corps rule: any Volunteer caught riding a bicycle without a helmet will have her service terminated. Yet, hoping to use a phone in another village, Cathy and April sneak out. Cathy is unable to contact her husband and fears he’s, yet again, being unfaithful.
Having broken Peace Corps rules once, April goes AWOL to Gwendolyn’s village at her next opportunity. There, she discovers a new law, requiring fishermen to obtain a permit in the distant capital city, has sunk Gwendolyn and her children into poverty. They can’t afford the travel, nor the permit itself, so are forced to fish illegally at night, risking being shot by the gendarmes who patrol the area.
The Peace Corps assigns April and Cathy to work in neighboring villages, they move to Cathy’s house for the last phase of training, studying the tribal language with Henri. Henri inexplicably avoids meeting with the tribal chief; this rudeness creates havoc in the tribe. Further complicating their visit is the Prefet, a government functionary who was once a school rival of Henri’s and is now visibly delighted with his new power over Henri and his American trainees.
“When I had my daughter,” Henri tells Cathy and April, “I swore that I would not cut her cheeks with the balafre.” And he touched the gouges on his cheeks, marking him as a member of the tribe. “How could you cut your baby’s skin?” But his mother stole his daughter away when Henri was off teaching for the Peace Corps, and she cut the scars into the girl’s face herself, wounds which still have not healed. Henri has been unable to face his mother, now wife of the chief, ever since.
As soon as training is over, April moves not to Henri’s uncle’s village, but to Gwendolyn’s. Gwendolyn has gotten sick and is struggling to take care of her children. Cathy is left to cover for April’s absence, which becomes impossible in the face of the Prefet’s pressure and the rising anger from the village chief.
Gwendolyn’s village life is shattered when a truckload of gendarmes arrive, drunk, torching fishing boats and nets, as well as the permits each family worked so hard to obtain. April tries to intervene but the soldiers, unhappy to have an American witness their violence, arrest her. April evades them only long enough to help Gwendolyn, now very ill, into bed, where she kills herself by overdosing on the very pain medications April has brought her.
Cathy, now in regular correspondence with her husband, is growing homesick and increasingly frustrated with her village situation. Not sure what has happened to April, she answers a strange summons to the remote house where April, dazed and worried about Gwendolyn’s children, awaits the Peace Corps director and her certain deportation. Desperate to stay, April asks Cathy to convince Henri to speak with his uncle, hoping the chief can appeal the Peace Corps on her behalf. But asking for his mother and uncle’s help requires Henri forgive what they did to his daughter.
Henri approaches his mother for the first time since she cut his daughter; he also sends Cathy to ask the Prefet to exert his influence as well. Speaking with the pompous man, who clearly delights in the failings of the Americans, Cathy realizes that the thing he values most is his reputation and his power. Her only chance of saving April’s Peace Corps service is to forfeit her own, gambling that the Prefet would avoid the humiliation of losing all of the Americans under his jurisdiction.
Cathy sets off on her bicycle, into the desert, without a helmet, on the one paved road the director must take to bring April back to the capital. Sure to see her, he should, by his own threat, deport her for breaking this rule. Cathy hopes his pride, like the Prefet’s, will force him to chose to deport one Volunteer instead of two. When his van stops for Cathy, he’s irate, but his choice is clear: he will let April stay. Cathy will be the one to go home.
This is just plain excellent.
#97 Crapometer
Title: A Golden Forever
Genre: Historical Romance
His golden body bought his passage to manhood, but it was a price he vowed he would never pay again. Of course, never frequently arrives when one least expects it.
The man variously known as Sky Who Walks, Colton Simon Haversham and Colt Star hated everything Indian and everything English. Being both, he hated himself most of all. The bastard son of an English Earl and an Crow Indian, Colt grew up under the watchful eye of the stepfather who named him "Sky Who Walks" as a reminder of the sky blue eyes that proclaimed he would never really belong to the tribe. After his Mother was stolen by rival warriors, Sky disobeyed his stepfather to try to rescue her and ended up burying her mutilated body when he failed.
He returned to find himself disowned by the stepfather happy to rid himself of the bastard. Alone and without so much as a teepee to shield him from the elements, let alone weapons to hunt with, young Sky soon found himself starving as he faced the approach of winter's icy menace. (cliche alert! circle the wagons!) He was bathing in the river when a widowed squaw caught sight of his developing manly form. (manly form! yikes!) She offered food in exchange for the use of all that golden glory. A choice between the certain death he faced and selling his body was really no choice at all, and soon the widows of the tribe alternated weeks with the lad.
Sky survived by selling his sexual favors for food and shelter until the father who abandoned the squaw he had impregnated showed up one day to fetch the unwilling bastard back to England. Colton Simon Haversham found that the lovely ladies of the ton had much in common with the squaws, for they wanted the same service. This time, he sold his body for social acceptance. The day arrived when one lady wanted ownership and faked her own compromise. He returned to find a printed announcement of his upcoming nuptuals. He refused to wed the lady he had never touched, and was again disowned. He departed his father's house, vowing never to tread English soil again.
(I feel the same way after the London Book Fair myself)
Taking a new name for a new life, Colt Star worked his way to San Francisco on a ship, and discovered that he was good at gambling. Later, those gambling instincts proved profitable at business too and he and his partners fared well at their shipping enterprise and in their gambling parlor. When a soiled dove wanted to trade her silk sheets for a picket fence, Colt decided it was time to move on. The partners bought a gold claim, a house and a lot in Hangtown from a gambler who conveniently appeared at just the right moment.
As it happened, the convenience being served was that of Colt's father who had concocted the scheme to get his son back. Lord Haversham looked over all the fair flowers of the ton to find Lady Viv, an ice princess who clearly awaited the right man to free her fire. (free her fire!! woo hoo!) Viv wanted to carve an independent future for herself, and he saw in her desires a way to arrange a second chance for himself with the son who didn't believe in them. He sent her to Hangtown, knowing that her fiery beauty, independent soul and buried passion would soon enough awaken the desire and then the possessive instincts of his stubborn son. Of course, sending the ice princess to the son armed with a pick wasn't very fair of him, but the Earl was playing to win.
He knew his son's hatred of everything English and his warrior's disdain for cages would prompt him to reject the lady, sending her sailing for home. Colt wouldn't know what he had lost until it was gone, and the young man who left vowing never to return would show up at his door wiser and more tolerant for having learned the value of second chances first hand.
The Earl wasn't surprised when the ice princess reappeared among the ton with tempting glowing embers of passion lurking beneath the ice, but none of the rakes could light that fire. Only one man had ever been able to do that. When Colt arrived, she couldn't trust him but she couldn't resist the only man who stoked her flames. Their passion was his only weapon, and he let her use his to create the kind of public display he had promised himself he would never again allow. Just when passion built a bridge back to the love he had thrown away, a disgruntled Duke abducted the lady, knowing she would draw the savage he wanted most of all.
The braves of the tribe had demanded a high price for the meat that young Sky's growing body required, but years of nightmares had cemented his vow that he would never pay that price again. When the demonic Duke demanded that he choose between watching him rape of Viv,(rape of Viv??) or offering his body in her place, Colt found himself living his nightmares in full view of his lady.
He knew that Viv would never be able to respect him after seeing him take what the Duke was dishing out. He sent her away so that he could end his quest for survival and had his revolver in hand when Viv arrived and taught him that assumptions can be fatal. She showed him that a smart man should not assume he knows what his woman is feeling and then try to protect her from her pain. Colt learned that perhaps women had some justification for harping on the virtues of communication.
She knew the lesson was temporary at best. He'd forget again, as all men did, but she would be there, happily ensconced in their cage for two, spending a golden forever saving him from himself.
You need to get after this synopsis with a hatchet and trim off all the deadwood. First, it’s rife with cliche. Second, you’re so busy telling us about the fire in everyone’s loins that you give us about twice as many words as you need. Save the manly forms and loin fires for the novel. Here we just need to know everyone's hot to trot with Colt.
Other than that, this isn’t bad.
Genre: Historical Romance
His golden body bought his passage to manhood, but it was a price he vowed he would never pay again. Of course, never frequently arrives when one least expects it.
The man variously known as Sky Who Walks, Colton Simon Haversham and Colt Star hated everything Indian and everything English. Being both, he hated himself most of all. The bastard son of an English Earl and an Crow Indian, Colt grew up under the watchful eye of the stepfather who named him "Sky Who Walks" as a reminder of the sky blue eyes that proclaimed he would never really belong to the tribe. After his Mother was stolen by rival warriors, Sky disobeyed his stepfather to try to rescue her and ended up burying her mutilated body when he failed.
He returned to find himself disowned by the stepfather happy to rid himself of the bastard. Alone and without so much as a teepee to shield him from the elements, let alone weapons to hunt with, young Sky soon found himself starving as he faced the approach of winter's icy menace. (cliche alert! circle the wagons!) He was bathing in the river when a widowed squaw caught sight of his developing manly form. (manly form! yikes!) She offered food in exchange for the use of all that golden glory. A choice between the certain death he faced and selling his body was really no choice at all, and soon the widows of the tribe alternated weeks with the lad.
Sky survived by selling his sexual favors for food and shelter until the father who abandoned the squaw he had impregnated showed up one day to fetch the unwilling bastard back to England. Colton Simon Haversham found that the lovely ladies of the ton had much in common with the squaws, for they wanted the same service. This time, he sold his body for social acceptance. The day arrived when one lady wanted ownership and faked her own compromise. He returned to find a printed announcement of his upcoming nuptuals. He refused to wed the lady he had never touched, and was again disowned. He departed his father's house, vowing never to tread English soil again.
(I feel the same way after the London Book Fair myself)
Taking a new name for a new life, Colt Star worked his way to San Francisco on a ship, and discovered that he was good at gambling. Later, those gambling instincts proved profitable at business too and he and his partners fared well at their shipping enterprise and in their gambling parlor. When a soiled dove wanted to trade her silk sheets for a picket fence, Colt decided it was time to move on. The partners bought a gold claim, a house and a lot in Hangtown from a gambler who conveniently appeared at just the right moment.
As it happened, the convenience being served was that of Colt's father who had concocted the scheme to get his son back. Lord Haversham looked over all the fair flowers of the ton to find Lady Viv, an ice princess who clearly awaited the right man to free her fire. (free her fire!! woo hoo!) Viv wanted to carve an independent future for herself, and he saw in her desires a way to arrange a second chance for himself with the son who didn't believe in them. He sent her to Hangtown, knowing that her fiery beauty, independent soul and buried passion would soon enough awaken the desire and then the possessive instincts of his stubborn son. Of course, sending the ice princess to the son armed with a pick wasn't very fair of him, but the Earl was playing to win.
He knew his son's hatred of everything English and his warrior's disdain for cages would prompt him to reject the lady, sending her sailing for home. Colt wouldn't know what he had lost until it was gone, and the young man who left vowing never to return would show up at his door wiser and more tolerant for having learned the value of second chances first hand.
The Earl wasn't surprised when the ice princess reappeared among the ton with tempting glowing embers of passion lurking beneath the ice, but none of the rakes could light that fire. Only one man had ever been able to do that. When Colt arrived, she couldn't trust him but she couldn't resist the only man who stoked her flames. Their passion was his only weapon, and he let her use his to create the kind of public display he had promised himself he would never again allow. Just when passion built a bridge back to the love he had thrown away, a disgruntled Duke abducted the lady, knowing she would draw the savage he wanted most of all.
The braves of the tribe had demanded a high price for the meat that young Sky's growing body required, but years of nightmares had cemented his vow that he would never pay that price again. When the demonic Duke demanded that he choose between watching him rape of Viv,(rape of Viv??) or offering his body in her place, Colt found himself living his nightmares in full view of his lady.
He knew that Viv would never be able to respect him after seeing him take what the Duke was dishing out. He sent her away so that he could end his quest for survival and had his revolver in hand when Viv arrived and taught him that assumptions can be fatal. She showed him that a smart man should not assume he knows what his woman is feeling and then try to protect her from her pain. Colt learned that perhaps women had some justification for harping on the virtues of communication.
She knew the lesson was temporary at best. He'd forget again, as all men did, but she would be there, happily ensconced in their cage for two, spending a golden forever saving him from himself.
You need to get after this synopsis with a hatchet and trim off all the deadwood. First, it’s rife with cliche. Second, you’re so busy telling us about the fire in everyone’s loins that you give us about twice as many words as you need. Save the manly forms and loin fires for the novel. Here we just need to know everyone's hot to trot with Colt.
Other than that, this isn’t bad.
#96 Crapometer
Genre: Science Fiction
Synopsis of - The Discovering of Demons
From the tranquility of his lakeside home, LUQA DRENDUN is sent to Zetjun Cathedral to learn the politics of his world. Eight years old, and heir to Desmondia, the young prince is taught Desmondian statecraft at his Grandsire’s wing. BRYKAC DRENDUN rules his people by fear, calling on the dark god, K'uni, whom Brykac feeds with those who displease him. As Luqa grows up and his popularity climbs, Brykac undermines and humiliates Luqa every opportunity he can.
so, is Brykac Luqa’s grandsire? and he has wings? cause metaphors like that don’t work if it’s science fiction. You say wing here, I’m thinking it’s real wings.
And if you give a character wings, you want to let them fly. That's akin to the old adage about showing a gun in the first act and having it fire by the third. What good are wings if you have a spaceship hauling you everywhere?
Blaming humans for his exile and the downfall of his people, Luqa takes out his angst (I think you mean anger, no one takes out their angst on people except Woody Allen) upon Colonel JONAS BRIERLY, who he captures on the world of Cavan. Five hundred years earlier, war had seen Earth all but destroyed and Desmondia decimated. Yet the war had been initiated by the Cavalana, hybrid flying creatures, half-Desmondis and half-human.
I thought Luqa was learning state craft with Gramps? How did he get exiled?
Two burning questions occupy Luqa's mind - how human and Desmondis could combine and create a viable race, and how humans had defeated the Desmondis. In his search for answers, Luqa captures, Haron, a young Cavalana, who share his prison with Jonas.
Luqa proceeds to torture Jonas; for Haron he has other plans other (other plans other?? LAZY ASS EDITING!!!) than investigating his physiology. He drugs and seduces the young Cavalana, much to Haron's horror
As he learned cruelty at his Grandsire’s knee, so Luqa metes it out upon Haron. Yet he becomes disgusted by himself, and when Haron turns upon him, Luqa barely fights, seeing Haron's attack as justice for his actions and a way of assuaging guilt.
ok, here’s the big problemo du jour. This doesn’t make sense. If he’s becoming disgusted with himself we should see reference to it earlier. Last thing we saw about his state of mind was he was ready to torture Jonas.
And quit starting sentences with As, Yet, From, With and preposition-like things. It usually means you’re opening with a subordinate clause and it’s weak.
With the tables turned, Haron and Jonas find themselves in the bizarre situation of tending the Desmondis prince. Even so, they take advantage of Luqa's drugged and weakened state to question him and find out about his life. Horrified by Luqa's tale of abuse and cruelty, the tale changes their perception of him, and although they cannot forgive his treatment they begin to understand the person.
Surprises keep coming when ANASTASIA reveals herself. The most gorgeous Cavalana Haron has ever seen, she tells them she is Luqa's daughter from the human Brykac raped and beat to death. She is very young yet has an uncanny and adult intelligence, and Haron finds himself quickly drawn to her. Yet, this only adds to his dilemmas over his faith and existence.
Reveals herself?? WTF? Where? in the glass darkly? Telepathically? She just turns up riding a white horse?
And wait a second here: faith and existence?? When did we start talking about that?
As Haron seeks his god, so Anastasia takes her revenge. For years she has resented Luqa taking her from Desmondia and has been drugging the Desmondis prince. When Luqa is accused of attempting to murder Haron, Anastasia begs him to flee into the jungles of Cavan where Luqa undergoes a horrific torment withdrawing from drugs. As he lies dying, Anastasia gives him har'khiennen, the Cavalana blood change, not sure what will happen.
Are you sure it’s not Harkonnes and he’ll become a big worm?
When Haron regains his senses he knows it was not Luqa who tried to kill him but Anastasia. He goes in search of her and Luqa and finds Jonas already confronting Ana. During a fight, Haron kills Ana, but not before she has bitten Jonas, which starts an instant chain reaction within any human, turning them into Cavalana, and when Haron finds Luqa, underneath the dark desmondis skin he finds another Cavalana.
When the Zeta arrives on Cavan, IRAYNA ROBERTSON heads a team to look for Jonas. After she finds him, she tells him they have a Desmondian vessel aboard. Jonas asks Luqa to question them. The exiled prince is reluctant, but he goes aboard and discovers that he did not succeed in killing Brykac and that Brykac is building troops and ships to start a war against humans. Knowing Brykac cannot succeed, and hoping to save his peoples' lives, Luqa joins the Zeta in a trip to Desmondia. Jonas and Haron, go with him.
Not all Desmondis agree with Brykac's policies. J'HERA FARHAN has plans of his own, and when Luqa and the human ship arrive he agrees to aid them in an attack on Zetjun Cathedral, the province of Desmondian aristocracy. With sparks already flying between Luqa and Irayna, deciding on a plan is difficult, but when it is agreed upon, Irayna leads one of the attacks on Zetjun. During it, she is captured by Brykac while Luqa leads his own troops to victory. After he makes sure he kills Brykac, he claims the Desmondian throne for his son not himself, and all seems well until an old adherent of Brykac's murders Ghazen on his coronation day. Despite his altered appearance, Luqa's people want him for king. Reluctantly he accepts.
With Desmondia secure and great hope for future peaceful relations, Irayna returns to her ship. It is Jonas who confronts her, asking why she won't act on her own feelings for Luqa. After she wants no male of any sort but cannot deny what she feels. (what??) She goes back to Desmondia and Luqa, but not before asking Haron for har'khiennen. At a house by a lakeside she speaks with Luqa and he reveals his own feelings.
Haron will return to Cavan, but not before going to Beriabic, now the main colony. Jonas will continue as a diplomat between Desmondia, Cavan and Beriabic. And so begins the start of a hopeful future for races driven apart by war yet connected by genes.
Too much detail. Not enough over arching framework. You might have a good novel here but this needs a hair cut.
Synopsis of - The Discovering of Demons
From the tranquility of his lakeside home, LUQA DRENDUN is sent to Zetjun Cathedral to learn the politics of his world. Eight years old, and heir to Desmondia, the young prince is taught Desmondian statecraft at his Grandsire’s wing. BRYKAC DRENDUN rules his people by fear, calling on the dark god, K'uni, whom Brykac feeds with those who displease him. As Luqa grows up and his popularity climbs, Brykac undermines and humiliates Luqa every opportunity he can.
so, is Brykac Luqa’s grandsire? and he has wings? cause metaphors like that don’t work if it’s science fiction. You say wing here, I’m thinking it’s real wings.
And if you give a character wings, you want to let them fly. That's akin to the old adage about showing a gun in the first act and having it fire by the third. What good are wings if you have a spaceship hauling you everywhere?
Blaming humans for his exile and the downfall of his people, Luqa takes out his angst (I think you mean anger, no one takes out their angst on people except Woody Allen) upon Colonel JONAS BRIERLY, who he captures on the world of Cavan. Five hundred years earlier, war had seen Earth all but destroyed and Desmondia decimated. Yet the war had been initiated by the Cavalana, hybrid flying creatures, half-Desmondis and half-human.
I thought Luqa was learning state craft with Gramps? How did he get exiled?
Two burning questions occupy Luqa's mind - how human and Desmondis could combine and create a viable race, and how humans had defeated the Desmondis. In his search for answers, Luqa captures, Haron, a young Cavalana, who share his prison with Jonas.
Luqa proceeds to torture Jonas; for Haron he has other plans other (other plans other?? LAZY ASS EDITING!!!) than investigating his physiology. He drugs and seduces the young Cavalana, much to Haron's horror
As he learned cruelty at his Grandsire’s knee, so Luqa metes it out upon Haron. Yet he becomes disgusted by himself, and when Haron turns upon him, Luqa barely fights, seeing Haron's attack as justice for his actions and a way of assuaging guilt.
ok, here’s the big problemo du jour. This doesn’t make sense. If he’s becoming disgusted with himself we should see reference to it earlier. Last thing we saw about his state of mind was he was ready to torture Jonas.
And quit starting sentences with As, Yet, From, With and preposition-like things. It usually means you’re opening with a subordinate clause and it’s weak.
With the tables turned, Haron and Jonas find themselves in the bizarre situation of tending the Desmondis prince. Even so, they take advantage of Luqa's drugged and weakened state to question him and find out about his life. Horrified by Luqa's tale of abuse and cruelty, the tale changes their perception of him, and although they cannot forgive his treatment they begin to understand the person.
Surprises keep coming when ANASTASIA reveals herself. The most gorgeous Cavalana Haron has ever seen, she tells them she is Luqa's daughter from the human Brykac raped and beat to death. She is very young yet has an uncanny and adult intelligence, and Haron finds himself quickly drawn to her. Yet, this only adds to his dilemmas over his faith and existence.
Reveals herself?? WTF? Where? in the glass darkly? Telepathically? She just turns up riding a white horse?
And wait a second here: faith and existence?? When did we start talking about that?
As Haron seeks his god, so Anastasia takes her revenge. For years she has resented Luqa taking her from Desmondia and has been drugging the Desmondis prince. When Luqa is accused of attempting to murder Haron, Anastasia begs him to flee into the jungles of Cavan where Luqa undergoes a horrific torment withdrawing from drugs. As he lies dying, Anastasia gives him har'khiennen, the Cavalana blood change, not sure what will happen.
Are you sure it’s not Harkonnes and he’ll become a big worm?
When Haron regains his senses he knows it was not Luqa who tried to kill him but Anastasia. He goes in search of her and Luqa and finds Jonas already confronting Ana. During a fight, Haron kills Ana, but not before she has bitten Jonas, which starts an instant chain reaction within any human, turning them into Cavalana, and when Haron finds Luqa, underneath the dark desmondis skin he finds another Cavalana.
When the Zeta arrives on Cavan, IRAYNA ROBERTSON heads a team to look for Jonas. After she finds him, she tells him they have a Desmondian vessel aboard. Jonas asks Luqa to question them. The exiled prince is reluctant, but he goes aboard and discovers that he did not succeed in killing Brykac and that Brykac is building troops and ships to start a war against humans. Knowing Brykac cannot succeed, and hoping to save his peoples' lives, Luqa joins the Zeta in a trip to Desmondia. Jonas and Haron, go with him.
Not all Desmondis agree with Brykac's policies. J'HERA FARHAN has plans of his own, and when Luqa and the human ship arrive he agrees to aid them in an attack on Zetjun Cathedral, the province of Desmondian aristocracy. With sparks already flying between Luqa and Irayna, deciding on a plan is difficult, but when it is agreed upon, Irayna leads one of the attacks on Zetjun. During it, she is captured by Brykac while Luqa leads his own troops to victory. After he makes sure he kills Brykac, he claims the Desmondian throne for his son not himself, and all seems well until an old adherent of Brykac's murders Ghazen on his coronation day. Despite his altered appearance, Luqa's people want him for king. Reluctantly he accepts.
With Desmondia secure and great hope for future peaceful relations, Irayna returns to her ship. It is Jonas who confronts her, asking why she won't act on her own feelings for Luqa. After she wants no male of any sort but cannot deny what she feels. (what??) She goes back to Desmondia and Luqa, but not before asking Haron for har'khiennen. At a house by a lakeside she speaks with Luqa and he reveals his own feelings.
Haron will return to Cavan, but not before going to Beriabic, now the main colony. Jonas will continue as a diplomat between Desmondia, Cavan and Beriabic. And so begins the start of a hopeful future for races driven apart by war yet connected by genes.
Too much detail. Not enough over arching framework. You might have a good novel here but this needs a hair cut.
#95 Crapometer
Genre: Dark Urban Fantasy
Once, Owen chose to walk in shadows. Emasculated by fright as his parents were slaughtered by a monster, Owen has become a freelance soldier in an underground war on the supernatural. But as the years pass, the blood seeps too deep – attacking a family of werewolves, Owen executes the mother as she pleads for the life of her child, and realizes he slipped so far into the nightmare that he's become one of the monsters.
so, killing werewolves is bad?
With her life savings of $187 in her pocket, Emma is driving to the big city in search of adventure and the unknown. When her car breaks down, two men stop to help. While passing by, Owen recognizes the men as monsters. He crashes into the scene, the men warp into werewolves and Emma races away with Owen. Furious at the loss of their prey, the creatures track them.
Owen meets with a young woman named Darkness from the Goth Mob, a gang of hackers and freaks. The werewolves stalking them attack. One of the beasts survives and tracks them to the Rev, a nightclub run by Ted, the head of the Goth Mob. Ted sees the intrusion as a violation of his fragile truce with the monsters, and executes the beast. Owen learns that the Goths have a small supply of a human virus, a serum which turns monster-infected cells human. Owen is infatuated with Emma, and Emma is quickly seduced by the excitement and adventure of Owen's lifestyle.
Yup, being stalked by werewolves is the very definition of excitement and adventure.
"Owen is infatuated with Emma" does not logically proceed from "Owen learns the Goths have a small supply of a human virus". Unless of course Emma is a virus.
Elsewhere in the city, James Pagan is hunting a werewolf in the city. (you’ve got the location twice--this is sloppy ass editing) When it attacks a group of children, James charges in and kills the beast, but is fatally wounded. Pagan is resurrected by Julian, the king of vampires, and his entourage of vampire children. He is reborn as Pagan, and like Julian, is now an embodiment of the God of the Dark. His flesh is infested with living shadows – intelligent, malignant black tentacles. The shadows give strength and power, but slowly consume flesh, mind and soul unless fed with atrocities. James Pagan's mind divides – into James, the man riddled with the guilt of failing to save his own family from the monsters; and Pagan, the walking incarnation of death.
Gerald, the King of Wolves, is enraged by the killing at the Rev and attacks the Goth Mob. Julian's captive psychic divines the werewolves' move, and the vampires race to blindside the wolves.
In the battle of the Rev, Owen is badly injured while protecting Emma. Overcome by the fever of combat, Emma leaves Owen behind and rushes into the violence. Pagan comes upon Owen, and the two are shocked by a moment of perfect empathy: Pagan sees Owen as himself before succumbing to Julian, and Owen sees the man trapped within the beast. The monsters retreat when Ted triggers ultrasonics and ultraviolet lights.
Slaughtered and in shock, the Goths try to pick up the pieces.
If you're slaughtered you're dead. Even here. Hard to pick up the pieces if you're dead.
James reawakens inside of Pagan, and refuses to feed. The shadows feed on him. Armies gather. (again here, one from the other does not flow)
Owen and Darkness convalesce together, and their friendship deepens. Separately, they each steal a dose of the last of the human serum. Ted's hackers crack satellites and pinpoint small groups of werewolves by their heat signatures. Emma joins Ted's raids and revels in the power of violence, redefining herself and bonding with Ted. When a raid goes bad, both Emma and Ted are bitten, but tell no one.
Owen and Darkness become lovers, and dream of a fresh start. But to deserve a new life, Owen feels obligated to save Emma, and James Pagan. When he sees Emma's drastic evolution, Owen is enraged at the corruption of his beautiful, innocent waif and lashes out at her, driving Emma away. Owen keeps clandestine his plan to use his stolen dose of the human serum on Pagan.
Clandestine is an adjective, not an adverb. It modifies a noun, not a verb. Keep is a verb.
On the next Full Moon, Gerald lures the vampires and Goths into a trap. The gangs' armies gather in an enormous warehouse, in the basement of which is secreted a horde of freshly turned werewolves who've been chummed into a frenzy. But when the berserkers are unleashed, they attack vampire, werewolf and human alike.
Gerald flees. Julian and Pagan pursue him. Wounded grievously, Owen follows.
Ted warps into a beast and Darkness executes him. Suddenly fearful of going through the Change alone, and certain that he will understand and join her, Emma tracks Owen.
Weakened by his refusal to feed, Pagan summons the power to kill Gerald by allowing the Dark to consume his heart, and with it – his soul.
Owen offers Pagan the serum, but sensing the freedom in the impending loss of his humanity, Pagan shatters the syringe in contempt.
Emma finds Owen and bites him, then professes her love. Owen kills her.
Darkness finds Owen, who is delirious with despair – he has failed to save Emma, Pagan, or himself. Darkness laughs with joy as she tries to extricate the final stolen dose of serum from her pocket, but Owen says "Darkness, I love you," places his father's gun to his temple and pulls the trigger.
Julian advances to sup on the blood and Darkness shoots him. Julian rips her gun away and she injects him with the serum. Shocked by the sudden flood of humanity and, Julian's shadows devour him. (what??) Julian dies screaming into the black.
Realizing the inevitable price of the Dark and feeling the shadows crawl through the last of his still-vulnerable heart, James Pagan commands Darkness to pick up her gun, and charges her. Darkness snatches her shotgun and fires into his chest until Pagan's heart is shredded out and he dies before the Dark can consume him.
Darkness is sickened and casts away her guns. She walks off into the sunrise, to start a new life. To create a new fate.
oookay. Who exactly is the protaganist here? You’ve got one “person” left standing at the end, and it’s NOT the one who gets the most airplay above. Do I detect the scent of sequel?
You’ve fallen into the by now familiar trap of too many characters and events. Focus on the main things that happen. Tell me what’s important or interesting about this. Clean up the editing. More than anything else, lazy ass editing makes me say no. These aren't typos; they're examples of not reading your work carefully enough.
Once, Owen chose to walk in shadows. Emasculated by fright as his parents were slaughtered by a monster, Owen has become a freelance soldier in an underground war on the supernatural. But as the years pass, the blood seeps too deep – attacking a family of werewolves, Owen executes the mother as she pleads for the life of her child, and realizes he slipped so far into the nightmare that he's become one of the monsters.
so, killing werewolves is bad?
With her life savings of $187 in her pocket, Emma is driving to the big city in search of adventure and the unknown. When her car breaks down, two men stop to help. While passing by, Owen recognizes the men as monsters. He crashes into the scene, the men warp into werewolves and Emma races away with Owen. Furious at the loss of their prey, the creatures track them.
Owen meets with a young woman named Darkness from the Goth Mob, a gang of hackers and freaks. The werewolves stalking them attack. One of the beasts survives and tracks them to the Rev, a nightclub run by Ted, the head of the Goth Mob. Ted sees the intrusion as a violation of his fragile truce with the monsters, and executes the beast. Owen learns that the Goths have a small supply of a human virus, a serum which turns monster-infected cells human. Owen is infatuated with Emma, and Emma is quickly seduced by the excitement and adventure of Owen's lifestyle.
Yup, being stalked by werewolves is the very definition of excitement and adventure.
"Owen is infatuated with Emma" does not logically proceed from "Owen learns the Goths have a small supply of a human virus". Unless of course Emma is a virus.
Elsewhere in the city, James Pagan is hunting a werewolf in the city. (you’ve got the location twice--this is sloppy ass editing) When it attacks a group of children, James charges in and kills the beast, but is fatally wounded. Pagan is resurrected by Julian, the king of vampires, and his entourage of vampire children. He is reborn as Pagan, and like Julian, is now an embodiment of the God of the Dark. His flesh is infested with living shadows – intelligent, malignant black tentacles. The shadows give strength and power, but slowly consume flesh, mind and soul unless fed with atrocities. James Pagan's mind divides – into James, the man riddled with the guilt of failing to save his own family from the monsters; and Pagan, the walking incarnation of death.
Gerald, the King of Wolves, is enraged by the killing at the Rev and attacks the Goth Mob. Julian's captive psychic divines the werewolves' move, and the vampires race to blindside the wolves.
In the battle of the Rev, Owen is badly injured while protecting Emma. Overcome by the fever of combat, Emma leaves Owen behind and rushes into the violence. Pagan comes upon Owen, and the two are shocked by a moment of perfect empathy: Pagan sees Owen as himself before succumbing to Julian, and Owen sees the man trapped within the beast. The monsters retreat when Ted triggers ultrasonics and ultraviolet lights.
Slaughtered and in shock, the Goths try to pick up the pieces.
If you're slaughtered you're dead. Even here. Hard to pick up the pieces if you're dead.
James reawakens inside of Pagan, and refuses to feed. The shadows feed on him. Armies gather. (again here, one from the other does not flow)
Owen and Darkness convalesce together, and their friendship deepens. Separately, they each steal a dose of the last of the human serum. Ted's hackers crack satellites and pinpoint small groups of werewolves by their heat signatures. Emma joins Ted's raids and revels in the power of violence, redefining herself and bonding with Ted. When a raid goes bad, both Emma and Ted are bitten, but tell no one.
Owen and Darkness become lovers, and dream of a fresh start. But to deserve a new life, Owen feels obligated to save Emma, and James Pagan. When he sees Emma's drastic evolution, Owen is enraged at the corruption of his beautiful, innocent waif and lashes out at her, driving Emma away. Owen keeps clandestine his plan to use his stolen dose of the human serum on Pagan.
Clandestine is an adjective, not an adverb. It modifies a noun, not a verb. Keep is a verb.
On the next Full Moon, Gerald lures the vampires and Goths into a trap. The gangs' armies gather in an enormous warehouse, in the basement of which is secreted a horde of freshly turned werewolves who've been chummed into a frenzy. But when the berserkers are unleashed, they attack vampire, werewolf and human alike.
Gerald flees. Julian and Pagan pursue him. Wounded grievously, Owen follows.
Ted warps into a beast and Darkness executes him. Suddenly fearful of going through the Change alone, and certain that he will understand and join her, Emma tracks Owen.
Weakened by his refusal to feed, Pagan summons the power to kill Gerald by allowing the Dark to consume his heart, and with it – his soul.
Owen offers Pagan the serum, but sensing the freedom in the impending loss of his humanity, Pagan shatters the syringe in contempt.
Emma finds Owen and bites him, then professes her love. Owen kills her.
Darkness finds Owen, who is delirious with despair – he has failed to save Emma, Pagan, or himself. Darkness laughs with joy as she tries to extricate the final stolen dose of serum from her pocket, but Owen says "Darkness, I love you," places his father's gun to his temple and pulls the trigger.
Julian advances to sup on the blood and Darkness shoots him. Julian rips her gun away and she injects him with the serum. Shocked by the sudden flood of humanity and, Julian's shadows devour him. (what??) Julian dies screaming into the black.
Realizing the inevitable price of the Dark and feeling the shadows crawl through the last of his still-vulnerable heart, James Pagan commands Darkness to pick up her gun, and charges her. Darkness snatches her shotgun and fires into his chest until Pagan's heart is shredded out and he dies before the Dark can consume him.
Darkness is sickened and casts away her guns. She walks off into the sunrise, to start a new life. To create a new fate.
oookay. Who exactly is the protaganist here? You’ve got one “person” left standing at the end, and it’s NOT the one who gets the most airplay above. Do I detect the scent of sequel?
You’ve fallen into the by now familiar trap of too many characters and events. Focus on the main things that happen. Tell me what’s important or interesting about this. Clean up the editing. More than anything else, lazy ass editing makes me say no. These aren't typos; they're examples of not reading your work carefully enough.
#94 Crapometer
Coming of Age Fiction
THE BAD GIRL'S CLUB (the title doesn’t refer to anything nor to a theme in what you’ve written here; that always makes me nervous)
Sixteen-year-old Destiny lives with her mother, father, and five-year-old sister, Cassidy. On the outside, they appear a normal family but something is terribly wrong. Five years earlier, Mom kidnapped the two girls and tried to abandon her youngest on the edge of a cliff at Crater Lake. Destiny saved her sister but her role with her mother was reversed and, at eleven, she became the caretaker of the family. For five years the family hid their secret but Mom became progressively more insane.
You don’t kidnap your own children. What’s wrong with her father?
When Mom hits a lady over the head with a chair and is both arrested and hospitalized, Destiny cries out for help from her father because she knows that she will be the one who carries the brunt of her mother's care. She feels like she is going to go over the edge, but her father can't see that and he ignores her pleas. Obsession takes hold of Destiny and she abandons her best friend and her boyfriend to save her mother and sister.
I thought the mother was hospitalized and arrested? Why is she forced to abandon her best friend and boyfriend? (And I really hope the mother wasn't bopping Miss Snark on the bean for ripping apart synopses)
The woman that Destiny knew is gone and what's left is a shell of a woman who's like a time bomb that can go off at any moment. (shell of a woman and time bomb are contradictory states of mind) She takes up residence in the living room and stares at the walls most of the day. Destiny slips into a deep depression, develops stomach problems, loses weight, and begins to have delusions that color her mind even when she is awake. She is sure that she's losing her mind but the madness and its power seduce her, so she gives in. Her sister starts talking to her imaginary friend, Podos, a large dark man with wings who she says lives in their house. Sometimes Destiny can see him and she is convinced that he is destroying her mother.
When Grandma arrives to help, she can see that the whole family is crumbling and that Destiny, especially, is slipping away. When Destiny tells her that her mom told her that she killed her little sister, Leena, when she was eleven, Grandma decides it's time to put Mom in the psychiatric hospital. Destiny insists that the story is true. Grandma insists that it's all a big lie. Destiny pulls away from everyone, even her mother and imagines joining her mother in her insanity. But she begins to realize, after a lecture from Grandma, that she is letting her life slip away. She is trapped between saving her mother or saving herself.
Surely someone would know if Leena is alive or not?
Finally, Mom takes Cassidy as a prisoner in her studio, intending to kill her. Destiny realizes that everyone is out of control, including her, and that she cannot save her mother, so she decides to save her sister and herself. When she and Dad get into the studio through a window, she takes her sister to Grandma. She goes back to the house because she knows that Mom will be leaving the next day for the psychiatric hospital. She finally gives up trying to hold it all together and realizes that she will have to go on without her mother and make a life of her own. She feels like an incredible failure.
That night her mother sets fire to the house, maiming herself for life. She ends up in a psychiatric hospital, Dad is prosecuted for child abuse, Destiny goes on with Cassidy and they get their lives together with Grandma.
You’ve got two contradictory things running here: Destiny losing her mind, and Destiny being the only sane one in the household. In failing to distinguish those two states of mind for her, the character is confusing to me. Is she hallucinating? Why should we believe Grandma anyway? Is Leena alive? Do we ever know?
Resolving the conflict with “she realizes” is cheating. What makes her realize this? And if the house is on fire, how does she get out?
Even when you make stuff up, you have to get all the details just right so we’re focused on the things you want us to be thinking about, not wondering why something doesn’t make sense.
THE BAD GIRL'S CLUB (the title doesn’t refer to anything nor to a theme in what you’ve written here; that always makes me nervous)
Sixteen-year-old Destiny lives with her mother, father, and five-year-old sister, Cassidy. On the outside, they appear a normal family but something is terribly wrong. Five years earlier, Mom kidnapped the two girls and tried to abandon her youngest on the edge of a cliff at Crater Lake. Destiny saved her sister but her role with her mother was reversed and, at eleven, she became the caretaker of the family. For five years the family hid their secret but Mom became progressively more insane.
You don’t kidnap your own children. What’s wrong with her father?
When Mom hits a lady over the head with a chair and is both arrested and hospitalized, Destiny cries out for help from her father because she knows that she will be the one who carries the brunt of her mother's care. She feels like she is going to go over the edge, but her father can't see that and he ignores her pleas. Obsession takes hold of Destiny and she abandons her best friend and her boyfriend to save her mother and sister.
I thought the mother was hospitalized and arrested? Why is she forced to abandon her best friend and boyfriend? (And I really hope the mother wasn't bopping Miss Snark on the bean for ripping apart synopses)
The woman that Destiny knew is gone and what's left is a shell of a woman who's like a time bomb that can go off at any moment. (shell of a woman and time bomb are contradictory states of mind) She takes up residence in the living room and stares at the walls most of the day. Destiny slips into a deep depression, develops stomach problems, loses weight, and begins to have delusions that color her mind even when she is awake. She is sure that she's losing her mind but the madness and its power seduce her, so she gives in. Her sister starts talking to her imaginary friend, Podos, a large dark man with wings who she says lives in their house. Sometimes Destiny can see him and she is convinced that he is destroying her mother.
When Grandma arrives to help, she can see that the whole family is crumbling and that Destiny, especially, is slipping away. When Destiny tells her that her mom told her that she killed her little sister, Leena, when she was eleven, Grandma decides it's time to put Mom in the psychiatric hospital. Destiny insists that the story is true. Grandma insists that it's all a big lie. Destiny pulls away from everyone, even her mother and imagines joining her mother in her insanity. But she begins to realize, after a lecture from Grandma, that she is letting her life slip away. She is trapped between saving her mother or saving herself.
Surely someone would know if Leena is alive or not?
Finally, Mom takes Cassidy as a prisoner in her studio, intending to kill her. Destiny realizes that everyone is out of control, including her, and that she cannot save her mother, so she decides to save her sister and herself. When she and Dad get into the studio through a window, she takes her sister to Grandma. She goes back to the house because she knows that Mom will be leaving the next day for the psychiatric hospital. She finally gives up trying to hold it all together and realizes that she will have to go on without her mother and make a life of her own. She feels like an incredible failure.
That night her mother sets fire to the house, maiming herself for life. She ends up in a psychiatric hospital, Dad is prosecuted for child abuse, Destiny goes on with Cassidy and they get their lives together with Grandma.
You’ve got two contradictory things running here: Destiny losing her mind, and Destiny being the only sane one in the household. In failing to distinguish those two states of mind for her, the character is confusing to me. Is she hallucinating? Why should we believe Grandma anyway? Is Leena alive? Do we ever know?
Resolving the conflict with “she realizes” is cheating. What makes her realize this? And if the house is on fire, how does she get out?
Even when you make stuff up, you have to get all the details just right so we’re focused on the things you want us to be thinking about, not wondering why something doesn’t make sense.
#93 Crapometer
Genre: Chick lit suspense
FANTASY GIRL
Synopsis
LYNN BROADMORE, by day is a normal thirty-year-old accounting assistant in Wichita, Kansas. She does her job, gets along with most of her co-workers, and drools over JACK EDWARDS, the newest member of the department.
By night, Lynn is no longer Lynn, but HUSH, the webmaster of slayerdomain.com, a Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan fiction archive. She’s crash, (crash?) blunt, and downright wild with her website, writing NC-17 stories about characters, and generally having fun with other Buffy fans. Lynn’s online life is a secret from everyone at work, including Jack, until he sees her working on it, and sneaks a peak.
The entire premise of the novel hinges on Jack not only knowing what Lynn does in her spare time but also that she's in danger from it. To say it's a secret till he finds out at this moment makes the rest of the plot ludicrous.
Lynn and Jack start seeing each other, and a few days after their first date, they head to a karaoke bar called Walt’s, and a strange man stares at Lynn, sending horrid feelings through her, and Jack takes her home.
Meanwhile, BENNE, an internet based serial killer, has killed several other women who write fan fiction. Now he’s after Hush, because better. (huh?) She’s a web mistress who’s captured in her writing who he really is. Her fame in fan fiction circles and her innate trust makes her his soul mate – the one who can save Benne’s soul.
ok, right here you lose me. Her innate trust? She doesn’t know him!
Lynn doesn’t realize that Benne is the man in the bar who scared her. Benne becomes enraged at Lynn for being there with Jack. He starts trying to determine the fastest ways to implement his plans for Lynn/Hush.
To Lynn, Benne is an author named RUGBY, and he gets a job transfer (to) Wichita. Lynn is excited to meet him, and gets to even sooner than she thinks, when she gets fired from her job for writing fan fiction at work, thanks to Lynn’s office nemesis, TINA SMITH.
Lynn, being left without a ride from work, calls Rugby to pick her up and take her to her vehicle on the opposite side of town. Afterwords (afterwards), they have a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s, (Starbucks) where Rugby slips something in her drink, and takes her back to his lair.
Wait...she’s never met this guy but she asks him for a ride to her car on the opposite side of town? Why doesn’t she drive to work? Why does she call someone she doesn’t know?
Lynn awakes to find herself cuffed at her ankles and her wrists to a bed. Benne injects drugs, forces her to drink chemicals to cleanse her system, and bathing rituals, all carried out by Rugby, who whistles Snow White’s “Whistle While You Work” as he purifies her body.
this is creepy as hell.
In between one of the sessions with Hush, Benne hears a noise in his home, and he investigates, only to find two FBI agents breaking into the house. The first he shoots and that agent goes down. The second agent attacks him, and as he struggles, he realizes that the agent is the man that Hush had been with in the bar the night before. Benne incapacitates him and stuffs him in the extra deep sump pump hole in the basement.
First, the FBI doesn’t break into homes. They get warrants. Second WHY would they break in? As far as any observer can tell, a man and a woman go into a house after a Starbucks date. Not exactly suspicious stuff.
Lynn awakes to find herself in a scalding shower and being scrubbed down with Comet, but she hears something in the distance, a voice, albeit a muffled one, but something that clues her into the fact that she’s not alone. The smell of latex and Comet send Lynn over the edge, and she starts vomiting on Rugby, then passes out.
Rugby deposits her on her bed, and runs from the basement to clean himself. When he reaches the upstairs, he realizes that the other FBI agent is still alive, a blood trail leads him to her dying body in his living room. Enraged because of the vomit as well as the prospect of this agent trying to get away, he finishes the job and starts working on scrubbing away all evidence of the blood and vomit.
Meanwhile, Lynn awakes realizing she’s not chained to the bed, but her body is so weakened that she can barely move. She crawls to the bathroom and forces some water in her system, then crawls to the room where the noisy groans she heard before emanated. Inside, she finds a person shoved down in the sump pump hole, and when she pulls the duct tape off his face, she realizes it’s Jack Edwards!
Confusion reigns for Lynn, and she and Jack argue about why he’s there, and the fact that she’s only an assignment to him. She realizes that Jack is WillowRocks, and her heart crumbles into a thousand pieces at the knowledge that Jack was only with her to find Benne.
Yep, that’s EXACTTLY what I’d do when in the hands of a serial scrubber--I’d argue with a guy about why he doesn’t love me.
They manage to get out of the basement, and a shoot out begins between Rugby and Jack. (where does Jack get the gun?) Lynn, overwhelmed by anger, frustration, and hatred, grabs Jack’s discarded flack jacket and a gun found on the floor and marches up to Rugby, aiming for his head. She misses, hitting the couch he cowered behind, and takes a bullet in the chest.
Yup, in a gun battle, that’s exactly what I’d do too: march right over to an armed man and miss him.
When Lynn comes to, she’s strapped to a gurney and the place is swarming with police, FBI, and medical people. Jack yells at her for her stupidity, and she just smirks at him, glad to be alive, and that she’s still able to think.
Rushed to Wesley hospital, Lynn receives treatment for her body’s chemical burns. Jack visits her once, to tell her he’s going back to Washington DC. Lynn’s heart is broken into a thousand more pieces. She’s taken to her parents’ home to recuperate, and spends time with her family, and reading all the cards and letters she’s received from people all over the country, including letters from Benne’s other victims.
Three months pass, and Lynn refuses to read any email from Jack, or even check her email. Then, after a conversation with her mother, Lynn logs onto the internet for the first time since she was kidnapped, and sees WillowRocks is online. Jack pops up an IM screen, and they argue. A web cam option is available. Lynn clicks on the image, it opens up with Jack sitting in front of the computer, engagement ring in hand, and a sign that reads “will you marry me?”
oy
Lynn says yes.
oy
Their wedding is available for view at slayerdomain.com.
oy
Well, you’ve got a synopsis here. No doubt about that. And it’s a good synopsis. The problem of course is that it makes me NOT want to read the book. This is a bad thing.
Even in fiction, action has to make sense. Motivation has to be believable. 0-2 on that here.
FANTASY GIRL
Synopsis
LYNN BROADMORE, by day is a normal thirty-year-old accounting assistant in Wichita, Kansas. She does her job, gets along with most of her co-workers, and drools over JACK EDWARDS, the newest member of the department.
By night, Lynn is no longer Lynn, but HUSH, the webmaster of slayerdomain.com, a Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan fiction archive. She’s crash, (crash?) blunt, and downright wild with her website, writing NC-17 stories about characters, and generally having fun with other Buffy fans. Lynn’s online life is a secret from everyone at work, including Jack, until he sees her working on it, and sneaks a peak.
The entire premise of the novel hinges on Jack not only knowing what Lynn does in her spare time but also that she's in danger from it. To say it's a secret till he finds out at this moment makes the rest of the plot ludicrous.
Lynn and Jack start seeing each other, and a few days after their first date, they head to a karaoke bar called Walt’s, and a strange man stares at Lynn, sending horrid feelings through her, and Jack takes her home.
Meanwhile, BENNE, an internet based serial killer, has killed several other women who write fan fiction. Now he’s after Hush, because better. (huh?) She’s a web mistress who’s captured in her writing who he really is. Her fame in fan fiction circles and her innate trust makes her his soul mate – the one who can save Benne’s soul.
ok, right here you lose me. Her innate trust? She doesn’t know him!
Lynn doesn’t realize that Benne is the man in the bar who scared her. Benne becomes enraged at Lynn for being there with Jack. He starts trying to determine the fastest ways to implement his plans for Lynn/Hush.
To Lynn, Benne is an author named RUGBY, and he gets a job transfer (to) Wichita. Lynn is excited to meet him, and gets to even sooner than she thinks, when she gets fired from her job for writing fan fiction at work, thanks to Lynn’s office nemesis, TINA SMITH.
Lynn, being left without a ride from work, calls Rugby to pick her up and take her to her vehicle on the opposite side of town. Afterwords (afterwards), they have a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s, (Starbucks) where Rugby slips something in her drink, and takes her back to his lair.
Wait...she’s never met this guy but she asks him for a ride to her car on the opposite side of town? Why doesn’t she drive to work? Why does she call someone she doesn’t know?
Lynn awakes to find herself cuffed at her ankles and her wrists to a bed. Benne injects drugs, forces her to drink chemicals to cleanse her system, and bathing rituals, all carried out by Rugby, who whistles Snow White’s “Whistle While You Work” as he purifies her body.
this is creepy as hell.
In between one of the sessions with Hush, Benne hears a noise in his home, and he investigates, only to find two FBI agents breaking into the house. The first he shoots and that agent goes down. The second agent attacks him, and as he struggles, he realizes that the agent is the man that Hush had been with in the bar the night before. Benne incapacitates him and stuffs him in the extra deep sump pump hole in the basement.
First, the FBI doesn’t break into homes. They get warrants. Second WHY would they break in? As far as any observer can tell, a man and a woman go into a house after a Starbucks date. Not exactly suspicious stuff.
Lynn awakes to find herself in a scalding shower and being scrubbed down with Comet, but she hears something in the distance, a voice, albeit a muffled one, but something that clues her into the fact that she’s not alone. The smell of latex and Comet send Lynn over the edge, and she starts vomiting on Rugby, then passes out.
Rugby deposits her on her bed, and runs from the basement to clean himself. When he reaches the upstairs, he realizes that the other FBI agent is still alive, a blood trail leads him to her dying body in his living room. Enraged because of the vomit as well as the prospect of this agent trying to get away, he finishes the job and starts working on scrubbing away all evidence of the blood and vomit.
Meanwhile, Lynn awakes realizing she’s not chained to the bed, but her body is so weakened that she can barely move. She crawls to the bathroom and forces some water in her system, then crawls to the room where the noisy groans she heard before emanated. Inside, she finds a person shoved down in the sump pump hole, and when she pulls the duct tape off his face, she realizes it’s Jack Edwards!
Confusion reigns for Lynn, and she and Jack argue about why he’s there, and the fact that she’s only an assignment to him. She realizes that Jack is WillowRocks, and her heart crumbles into a thousand pieces at the knowledge that Jack was only with her to find Benne.
Yep, that’s EXACTTLY what I’d do when in the hands of a serial scrubber--I’d argue with a guy about why he doesn’t love me.
They manage to get out of the basement, and a shoot out begins between Rugby and Jack. (where does Jack get the gun?) Lynn, overwhelmed by anger, frustration, and hatred, grabs Jack’s discarded flack jacket and a gun found on the floor and marches up to Rugby, aiming for his head. She misses, hitting the couch he cowered behind, and takes a bullet in the chest.
Yup, in a gun battle, that’s exactly what I’d do too: march right over to an armed man and miss him.
When Lynn comes to, she’s strapped to a gurney and the place is swarming with police, FBI, and medical people. Jack yells at her for her stupidity, and she just smirks at him, glad to be alive, and that she’s still able to think.
Rushed to Wesley hospital, Lynn receives treatment for her body’s chemical burns. Jack visits her once, to tell her he’s going back to Washington DC. Lynn’s heart is broken into a thousand more pieces. She’s taken to her parents’ home to recuperate, and spends time with her family, and reading all the cards and letters she’s received from people all over the country, including letters from Benne’s other victims.
Three months pass, and Lynn refuses to read any email from Jack, or even check her email. Then, after a conversation with her mother, Lynn logs onto the internet for the first time since she was kidnapped, and sees WillowRocks is online. Jack pops up an IM screen, and they argue. A web cam option is available. Lynn clicks on the image, it opens up with Jack sitting in front of the computer, engagement ring in hand, and a sign that reads “will you marry me?”
oy
Lynn says yes.
oy
Their wedding is available for view at slayerdomain.com.
oy
Well, you’ve got a synopsis here. No doubt about that. And it’s a good synopsis. The problem of course is that it makes me NOT want to read the book. This is a bad thing.
Even in fiction, action has to make sense. Motivation has to be believable. 0-2 on that here.
#92 Crapometer
Genre: Fiction
Johnny Says
At the age of three, Sophia Applegate has her first experience with the University. She hides her mother's shoes, her brother's shoes, she hides all the shoes in the house including her own.
what?
When Sophie is five, her mother buys a shiny, golden padlock down at the hardware store in Come-By-Chance, Newfoundland. Sophie knows that her mother has one in her room and it's locked onto a box where all her mother's important papers and jewellery are kept. Sophie is an important, safe person the night her mother nails the new padlock outside her bedroom door.
Sophie wakes the morning after a University night. She watches outside her window; the birds feeding their babies, the seeds she has planted in the garden sprouting their little leaves toward the sun and the mud sewers she made. The tiny walls become saturated, and the tiny tadpoles swim out of the walls.
what??
Sophie realizes she has a problem and looks around her room for a carton. In her closet she finds a box of old clothes, empties it onto the floor and heads to her bookshelf. Sophie doesn't like books, her mother gives the University money and it gives her books. With her wee fingers, Sophie shreds the words and puts them into the cardboard box, in the same way she does every week for the family cats. Sophie, straddles the box and urinates. And to Sophie, it feels good because maybe her mother won't be mad at her for not wetting the bed or for making any messes on the floor.
Sophie hears her father and her brother's voices outside her door. She knows by the way they talk that they don't think much of the University, either. That morning she learns her father and her brother pick cotton for a living, because her mother tells them to keep, ‘their cotton-pickin' hands off of Sophie.'
When Sophie is fourteen, she spends many days in the swamp and one day she meets Johnny. She looks deeply into his eyes and sees they're like milk chocolate with flecks of black licorice and green peppermint; gifts from her father. Sophie thinks they're the sweetest eyes she's ever seen. And for Sophie, it's not often she looks up. She mostly notices the distortion of the world as it lays (lies) flat beneath her feet and cannot trust the air around her alive with jitters and chattering and who knows what else lurks in those forces she cannot see. The world of illiteracy.
It's Johnny who teaches Sophie to look up.
Johnny says that Sophie can't ever have freedom. When Sophie questions why, Johnny seduces her and tells her he's laid his seed inside of her.
While Sophie's womb swells, she participates in a grade nine field trip. Sophie's science teacher takes the class on a exploration to the local swamp and wildlife reservation to catch various species of frogs. For dissection. The leopards, the peepers and the toads.
Johnny, according to Sophie, escorts her, his hair the colour of bark on an oak tree simmering under the gaze of the persimmon-coloured sun, Sophie learns that it's the horizon that always makes Johnny jump. That moment between the sun's last spit into the air and where the moon sighs and takes over the spirit of the natures living around them.
Sophie and Johnny become separated from the school group.
Johnny's in the water. Sophie's jacket gets caught on thorns from a wild rose bush. It isn't long when Johnny's head goes under the swirling murky water. The diamond Johnny has given Sophie digs into his throat while she tries to save him. Bubbles froth up from below. Johnny is a dead weight and Sophie can't move him. He sputters. But that's all. She lifts him to her breast, cradles him until that last dream, that lost thought, that last glimpse of life, leaves him.
When the moon rises above the tree line, Sophie awakens and realizes that her hands, her clothes are full of blood. The diamond has scored herself around her own throat and her blood has congealed on her body. Frogs continue singing around her, and crickets sting their aching reminders of heat to come. Sophie falls into a deep sleep, only to wake to the sound of what she believes-- a corpse streaming putrid gas from open, gaping wounds. At this point, Sophie doesn't care if anyone finds her. She is just glad to be away from home.
When Sophie is found in the swamp, her swollen stomach has erupted and she is embracing the entrails of an inhuman being in her arms along with the excrements of her own bowels. She incoherently babbles about what Johnny says.
There is a ‘John' at her school, and he is Sophie's lab partner. John is questioned by guidance counsellors and then the police, they subsequently confront Sophie's mother. Afraid that her daughter is carrying her husband's child, she protects Sophie and tells the police about the rape of her daughter by a young man in school called, ‘Johnnie.'
John, a minister's son is appalled and denounces (denies) knowing Sophie. Although, he cannot help his curiosity and follows her to the swamp where Sophie talks to nature. (sentence fragment) It is here that John learns that there is no such person as Johnny. He is a figment of Sophie's imagination. All the wisdom leaving Sophie's mouth, via the way ‘Johnny Says', is indeed Sophie. The side of Sophie that cannot speak, that is, the uneducated.
John befriends Sophie and teaches her how to read by leaving cue cards written by him in various areas in the swamp where he knows Sophie seeks refuge. She begins to understand the meaning of "leopard frogs" and "peepers" and "tadpoles", through the written word. Eventually, these metaphors give Sophie voice and she begins to read. Albeit, she croaks at first, but she does succeed, and realizes what ‘Johnny Says'.
Qeustion: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: Lobster
Question: Does the fact that this synopsis remind me of that joke bode well?
Answer: no
You’ve fallen into the enticing trap of trying to make your synopsis sound like your novel. Don’t. Let your novel speak for itself. Let us get a sense of what happens and who the characters are here - not by channelling them, but by describing them. If I’d gotten this in the query pile I’d have stopped reading after the first “huh?”.If you’re doing something original with the narrative voice, just tell us.
Johnny Says
At the age of three, Sophia Applegate has her first experience with the University. She hides her mother's shoes, her brother's shoes, she hides all the shoes in the house including her own.
what?
When Sophie is five, her mother buys a shiny, golden padlock down at the hardware store in Come-By-Chance, Newfoundland. Sophie knows that her mother has one in her room and it's locked onto a box where all her mother's important papers and jewellery are kept. Sophie is an important, safe person the night her mother nails the new padlock outside her bedroom door.
Sophie wakes the morning after a University night. She watches outside her window; the birds feeding their babies, the seeds she has planted in the garden sprouting their little leaves toward the sun and the mud sewers she made. The tiny walls become saturated, and the tiny tadpoles swim out of the walls.
what??
Sophie realizes she has a problem and looks around her room for a carton. In her closet she finds a box of old clothes, empties it onto the floor and heads to her bookshelf. Sophie doesn't like books, her mother gives the University money and it gives her books. With her wee fingers, Sophie shreds the words and puts them into the cardboard box, in the same way she does every week for the family cats. Sophie, straddles the box and urinates. And to Sophie, it feels good because maybe her mother won't be mad at her for not wetting the bed or for making any messes on the floor.
Sophie hears her father and her brother's voices outside her door. She knows by the way they talk that they don't think much of the University, either. That morning she learns her father and her brother pick cotton for a living, because her mother tells them to keep, ‘their cotton-pickin' hands off of Sophie.'
When Sophie is fourteen, she spends many days in the swamp and one day she meets Johnny. She looks deeply into his eyes and sees they're like milk chocolate with flecks of black licorice and green peppermint; gifts from her father. Sophie thinks they're the sweetest eyes she's ever seen. And for Sophie, it's not often she looks up. She mostly notices the distortion of the world as it lays (lies) flat beneath her feet and cannot trust the air around her alive with jitters and chattering and who knows what else lurks in those forces she cannot see. The world of illiteracy.
It's Johnny who teaches Sophie to look up.
Johnny says that Sophie can't ever have freedom. When Sophie questions why, Johnny seduces her and tells her he's laid his seed inside of her.
While Sophie's womb swells, she participates in a grade nine field trip. Sophie's science teacher takes the class on a exploration to the local swamp and wildlife reservation to catch various species of frogs. For dissection. The leopards, the peepers and the toads.
Johnny, according to Sophie, escorts her, his hair the colour of bark on an oak tree simmering under the gaze of the persimmon-coloured sun, Sophie learns that it's the horizon that always makes Johnny jump. That moment between the sun's last spit into the air and where the moon sighs and takes over the spirit of the natures living around them.
Sophie and Johnny become separated from the school group.
Johnny's in the water. Sophie's jacket gets caught on thorns from a wild rose bush. It isn't long when Johnny's head goes under the swirling murky water. The diamond Johnny has given Sophie digs into his throat while she tries to save him. Bubbles froth up from below. Johnny is a dead weight and Sophie can't move him. He sputters. But that's all. She lifts him to her breast, cradles him until that last dream, that lost thought, that last glimpse of life, leaves him.
When the moon rises above the tree line, Sophie awakens and realizes that her hands, her clothes are full of blood. The diamond has scored herself around her own throat and her blood has congealed on her body. Frogs continue singing around her, and crickets sting their aching reminders of heat to come. Sophie falls into a deep sleep, only to wake to the sound of what she believes-- a corpse streaming putrid gas from open, gaping wounds. At this point, Sophie doesn't care if anyone finds her. She is just glad to be away from home.
When Sophie is found in the swamp, her swollen stomach has erupted and she is embracing the entrails of an inhuman being in her arms along with the excrements of her own bowels. She incoherently babbles about what Johnny says.
There is a ‘John' at her school, and he is Sophie's lab partner. John is questioned by guidance counsellors and then the police, they subsequently confront Sophie's mother. Afraid that her daughter is carrying her husband's child, she protects Sophie and tells the police about the rape of her daughter by a young man in school called, ‘Johnnie.'
John, a minister's son is appalled and denounces (denies) knowing Sophie. Although, he cannot help his curiosity and follows her to the swamp where Sophie talks to nature. (sentence fragment) It is here that John learns that there is no such person as Johnny. He is a figment of Sophie's imagination. All the wisdom leaving Sophie's mouth, via the way ‘Johnny Says', is indeed Sophie. The side of Sophie that cannot speak, that is, the uneducated.
John befriends Sophie and teaches her how to read by leaving cue cards written by him in various areas in the swamp where he knows Sophie seeks refuge. She begins to understand the meaning of "leopard frogs" and "peepers" and "tadpoles", through the written word. Eventually, these metaphors give Sophie voice and she begins to read. Albeit, she croaks at first, but she does succeed, and realizes what ‘Johnny Says'.
Qeustion: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: Lobster
Question: Does the fact that this synopsis remind me of that joke bode well?
Answer: no
You’ve fallen into the enticing trap of trying to make your synopsis sound like your novel. Don’t. Let your novel speak for itself. Let us get a sense of what happens and who the characters are here - not by channelling them, but by describing them. If I’d gotten this in the query pile I’d have stopped reading after the first “huh?”.If you’re doing something original with the narrative voice, just tell us.
#91 Crapometer
Genre: Mystery
Deadly Arrows-Synopsis
Small town newspapering sounded like a great idea to Fay Cunningham until the day a killer tried to nail her hide to a tree with a razor sharp arrow. Now she must convince a young whippersnapper police officer, Mitch Malone and his redneck family that the arrow didn't come from a hunter who mistook her for a deer. Just because the woman who was charged with firing another deadly arrow into Mitch's niece hung herself in her jail cell, didn't mean
the tight-knit Pennsylvania community is now free of a cunning murderer. And Fay must prove it with lightning speed before the next arrow lands her six feet under.
this is flap copy, not a synopsis.
I've bitten people in the keister saying their work is awash in names and events, but this takes succinct to an extreme. You need more here. Starting with: what happens?
Deadly Arrows-Synopsis
Small town newspapering sounded like a great idea to Fay Cunningham until the day a killer tried to nail her hide to a tree with a razor sharp arrow. Now she must convince a young whippersnapper police officer, Mitch Malone and his redneck family that the arrow didn't come from a hunter who mistook her for a deer. Just because the woman who was charged with firing another deadly arrow into Mitch's niece hung herself in her jail cell, didn't mean
the tight-knit Pennsylvania community is now free of a cunning murderer. And Fay must prove it with lightning speed before the next arrow lands her six feet under.
this is flap copy, not a synopsis.
I've bitten people in the keister saying their work is awash in names and events, but this takes succinct to an extreme. You need more here. Starting with: what happens?
#90 Crapometer
Genre:commercial fiction
Dangerous Bedfellows-Synopsis
Dangerous Bedfellows is the disturbing and rewarding story of Jackie, an incest survivor.
Betrayed by every man she ever trusted, beginning with her father, the beautiful movie producer Jacqueline Bertoni, dubbed The Ice Lady, exacts her revenge on all before the quick thaw when she gives her trust to the one man who will help her become whole again.
This isn't a synopsis. This is a cliche drenched voice over for the Jerry Springer show.
Dangerous Bedfellows-Synopsis
Dangerous Bedfellows is the disturbing and rewarding story of Jackie, an incest survivor.
Betrayed by every man she ever trusted, beginning with her father, the beautiful movie producer Jacqueline Bertoni, dubbed The Ice Lady, exacts her revenge on all before the quick thaw when she gives her trust to the one man who will help her become whole again.
This isn't a synopsis. This is a cliche drenched voice over for the Jerry Springer show.
#89 Crapometer
Genre: literary fiction
THE HAPPY WORLD
When one is alone, when friends are dead and relationships with those living are ruined, are memories enough? Can one undo time?
Matty Collins, a Londoner born in America, is an elderly woman-reclusive, bitter, feisty, paranoid and destitute. She is also utterly alone. She hopes to return to New York, where she was raised. When those hopes are dashed, she decides instead to kill herself. She examines her life, notably the period in 1947 when she meets her husband, Henry, an Englishman and war hero. Matty is twenty-five then, trapped, a guardian to her brother Roland since their father's suicide three years prior. She's been hoping for change, and here, in Henry, she finds it. When she sails to Southampton to marry him, she abandons Roland, now fifteen.
The marriage and the resulting abandonment is the defining act of Matty life, a decision based on dreadful assumptions. What led Matty to the decision may lie in the traumas and secrets of her parents' deaths, of Matty own sense of abandonment, of Roland's presence and how his arrival tipped the family's balance.
Matty is the orphan girl in countless fairy tales. Yet there is no happy ending; the prince who rescues her is a philanderer, and his kingdom, Great Britain, is an empire on the wane - limping badly, its homeland bombed out, subject to dire shortages and severe rationing.
From late-twentieth-century London, to post-war Singapore, to Depression-era New York, The Happy World untangles Matty mistakes and traumas to rediscover a life untainted.
When you use a from/to construction, generally you go from the oldest or first event TO the most recent/last. Therefore: From Depressiona era New York (1930) to post war Singapore (1946-assuming we’re talking WW2) to late 20th C. London (1990).
You have flap jacket copy here. This isn’t a synopsis. What happens? How does she change? What happens to Roland? Why will we give a fig what happens to this dame?
THE HAPPY WORLD
When one is alone, when friends are dead and relationships with those living are ruined, are memories enough? Can one undo time?
Matty Collins, a Londoner born in America, is an elderly woman-reclusive, bitter, feisty, paranoid and destitute. She is also utterly alone. She hopes to return to New York, where she was raised. When those hopes are dashed, she decides instead to kill herself. She examines her life, notably the period in 1947 when she meets her husband, Henry, an Englishman and war hero. Matty is twenty-five then, trapped, a guardian to her brother Roland since their father's suicide three years prior. She's been hoping for change, and here, in Henry, she finds it. When she sails to Southampton to marry him, she abandons Roland, now fifteen.
The marriage and the resulting abandonment is the defining act of Matty life, a decision based on dreadful assumptions. What led Matty to the decision may lie in the traumas and secrets of her parents' deaths, of Matty own sense of abandonment, of Roland's presence and how his arrival tipped the family's balance.
Matty is the orphan girl in countless fairy tales. Yet there is no happy ending; the prince who rescues her is a philanderer, and his kingdom, Great Britain, is an empire on the wane - limping badly, its homeland bombed out, subject to dire shortages and severe rationing.
From late-twentieth-century London, to post-war Singapore, to Depression-era New York, The Happy World untangles Matty mistakes and traumas to rediscover a life untainted.
When you use a from/to construction, generally you go from the oldest or first event TO the most recent/last. Therefore: From Depressiona era New York (1930) to post war Singapore (1946-assuming we’re talking WW2) to late 20th C. London (1990).
You have flap jacket copy here. This isn’t a synopsis. What happens? How does she change? What happens to Roland? Why will we give a fig what happens to this dame?
#88 Crapometer
Genre: mystery
Cold Death
Ex- homicide detective, Kelsey Ball deals with more than the chilly Berkshire weather in Massachusetts. For a starter, the man who draws her blood every week to test her Cumidin Level is murdered with a syringe plunged into his right eye.
MacCleane Torrance is a technician at the Berkshire Medical Clinic. When Kelsey discovers his body, she shifts into action, and secures the room until the real authority arrives, but no good turn (deed) goes unpunished. Two detectives show up the next day with a scrap of paper that was clutched in the dead man’s hand. It has her name and address on it. Kelsey insists she has no relationship with Mac outside the clinic. After their departure, she checks her mail, and discovers a package from Mac.
Right here we’ve got a problem. Why would Mac send this to her? If he’s truly concerned about the events you describe next, he’d go to the police.
The envelope contains a key on a key chain, and on the chain is a kind of telescope gizmo, with a photo inside of a naked woman. Kelsey also discovers a torn page from the Yellow Pages, and circled in red is an advertisement for Chasen Funeral Home. Not happy with the attitude of the local police, Kelsey decides to check into the murder herself.
cause like writing a letter would be too...obvious?
Kelsey visits Jeffrey Goldsmith, Mac’s lover. She discovers the girl in the photo is Mac’s younger sister, Sheila. She died six months earlier from a heroin overdose, and coincidentally, was buried by Chasen Funeral.
Going back to complete her blood test, a staff person tell Kelsey of a fight between a body builder type and Mac the day before the murder.
The next day, she goes to the Chasen Funeral Home, using the excuse of pre-planning a funeral for herself to meet with the director, Gaston Boudreaux. Leaving the funeral home, she realizes she is being followed, and confronts the stalker, a private dick named Paul T. Wong. He tells her Mac hired him to check out his sister’s death. After a rocky start, they pool their resources to find Mac’s murderer.
If Mac hired Paul Wong WHY is he sending stuff to Kelsey?
Kelsey turns over the envelope to the police. She discovers the detective, Carroll Hatterton, had worked on Sheila’s case. Hatterton tells her the coroner discovered signs of hypothermia during the autopsy, which didn’t fit the facts, but his boss told him to close the case anyway, since she was just another junkie.
At the clinic, Kelsey speaks again to Mac’s co-worker, who tells her how she’d caught Mac’s boss, Perry Starks, taking a DVD jewel case from Mac’s locker.
so, every time she goes to the clinic something new is revealed? You’re creating things to serve your plot needs but the don’t appear to flow naturally.
Kelsey tracks down Mike Baronski, the blonde Adonis who fought with Mac, but he refuses to speak to her. Returning home, she is beaten up by an intruder. She can’t identify her attacker, but her mobile home is torn apart. Then, after a computer search, she discovers both Gaston and Jeffrey lived together in New Orleans, and Gaston was known to be selling drugs and women.
“both Gaston and Jeffrey lived together” means they both lived with other people, who are unnamed. What you mean is “Gaston and Jeffrey lived together” ie with each other.
And how did she discover they “lived together” on the computer? “computer” is a cop out for finding clues if they aren’t explained.
you can’t sell women. You can rent them out but technically no selling. The fact that I notice this means I've stopped being carried along by the synopsis and I'm now watching for mistakes. This is a VERY bad sign.
Attending Mac’s funeral at Chasen Funeral Home, she notices Mac’s boss is missing, the one who took the disk from Mac’s locker. Going to his apartment, she finds Starks dead in his bedroom. His girlfriend arrives, and Kelsey tells her that if she knows about the DVD disk, she should tell the police.
Later, Kelsey hooks up with Wong to talk to the manager who found Sheila’s body at the Myrtle Inn, a sleazy welfare hotel. Known as Ketchup Barker, he tells them about the two men half-carrying her into the lobby. The description points to Jeffrey and Gaston. Kelsey suspects they supplied her with drugs and prostituted her. She wonders why Jeffrey would do such a thing to his lover’s sister.
Hatterton calls to tell her Sparks’ girlfriend, Maria, is missing. They both agree it’s not a good sign. Later, Kelsey confronts Mike Baronski at his home. He admits to the fight with Mac, but says it was a lover’s spat. He wanted Mac to leave Jeffrey, but Mac said he needed to clear up some “bad stuff between him and Jeffrey” first. After Mac’s death, Jeffrey harassed Mike, and he was afraid of him.
Kelsey breaks into Jeffrey’s house, finds the missing DVD disk. On it is a movie with a naked Sheila crawling into a coffin, pretending to be dead. It was a come-on for men who enjoy necrophilia.
The next day, Kelsey breaks into the funeral home. Jeffrey and Gaston are talking to a man named Tommy Hooplewhite. When her presence is discovered, Tommy knocks Kelsey out. When she wakes up, she is in a small room with the Sparks’ girlfriend’s dead body.
Tommy Hooplewhite explains they cater to the necrophilia trade. Out of revenge for Mac’s infidelity, Jeffrey hooks his sister on drugs and introduces her to Hooplewhite. To add authenticity to the act, they immerse the girl into a tub of ice chips. Because of her drug use, a weakened Sheila went into a coma, but Jeffrey insists they had revived her and returned her alive to the Myrtle Inn. However, after her death, Mac kept snooping around, and they needed to kill him, and later, the others.
They have plans for Kelsey, which include immersing her into a tub of ice for a customer coming up from New York. Jeffrey is given instructions to prepare her. She tries to tell them about her heart condition, but they don’t care. She slips into a coma.
She wakes up in the hospital. A worried Paul Wong broke into the funeral home, and saves her from death. Jeffrey, Gaston and Tommy are arrested for the murders of Mac, Starks and his girlfriend.
oh man, this was old when they used it in The Perils of Pauline. First of all, the rescue, the heat of the action (so to speak, considering she’s covered in ice) happens OFF THE PAGE. Nothing is liklier to make me snarl. Second, she’s the heroine and she’s rescued by someone. YUCK.
Kelsey asking for a favor from Wong and Hatterton, goes back to the Myrtle Inn. She believes Sheila was given a hot shot by Ketchup, the day manager. Not to kill her, but to get her so strung out, she’d sleep with him. He confesses to it, and is arrested.
An impressed Wong asks her to work for him as a private investigator, and she agrees. She looks forward to going back to doing investigations.
Why doesn’t she just go back to being a cop? If she retired on disability, i bet she’s not allowed to work or she loses her benefits. You have to keep this stuff real or you lose the reader’s trust.
You’ve focused on events in this but the good news is that it reveals you’ve got some pretty fundamental flaws in your plot. Even if you had the zippiest writing in the world, this won’t fly as it’s laid out.
Cold Death
Ex- homicide detective, Kelsey Ball deals with more than the chilly Berkshire weather in Massachusetts. For a starter, the man who draws her blood every week to test her Cumidin Level is murdered with a syringe plunged into his right eye.
MacCleane Torrance is a technician at the Berkshire Medical Clinic. When Kelsey discovers his body, she shifts into action, and secures the room until the real authority arrives, but no good turn (deed) goes unpunished. Two detectives show up the next day with a scrap of paper that was clutched in the dead man’s hand. It has her name and address on it. Kelsey insists she has no relationship with Mac outside the clinic. After their departure, she checks her mail, and discovers a package from Mac.
Right here we’ve got a problem. Why would Mac send this to her? If he’s truly concerned about the events you describe next, he’d go to the police.
The envelope contains a key on a key chain, and on the chain is a kind of telescope gizmo, with a photo inside of a naked woman. Kelsey also discovers a torn page from the Yellow Pages, and circled in red is an advertisement for Chasen Funeral Home. Not happy with the attitude of the local police, Kelsey decides to check into the murder herself.
cause like writing a letter would be too...obvious?
Kelsey visits Jeffrey Goldsmith, Mac’s lover. She discovers the girl in the photo is Mac’s younger sister, Sheila. She died six months earlier from a heroin overdose, and coincidentally, was buried by Chasen Funeral.
Going back to complete her blood test, a staff person tell Kelsey of a fight between a body builder type and Mac the day before the murder.
The next day, she goes to the Chasen Funeral Home, using the excuse of pre-planning a funeral for herself to meet with the director, Gaston Boudreaux. Leaving the funeral home, she realizes she is being followed, and confronts the stalker, a private dick named Paul T. Wong. He tells her Mac hired him to check out his sister’s death. After a rocky start, they pool their resources to find Mac’s murderer.
If Mac hired Paul Wong WHY is he sending stuff to Kelsey?
Kelsey turns over the envelope to the police. She discovers the detective, Carroll Hatterton, had worked on Sheila’s case. Hatterton tells her the coroner discovered signs of hypothermia during the autopsy, which didn’t fit the facts, but his boss told him to close the case anyway, since she was just another junkie.
At the clinic, Kelsey speaks again to Mac’s co-worker, who tells her how she’d caught Mac’s boss, Perry Starks, taking a DVD jewel case from Mac’s locker.
so, every time she goes to the clinic something new is revealed? You’re creating things to serve your plot needs but the don’t appear to flow naturally.
Kelsey tracks down Mike Baronski, the blonde Adonis who fought with Mac, but he refuses to speak to her. Returning home, she is beaten up by an intruder. She can’t identify her attacker, but her mobile home is torn apart. Then, after a computer search, she discovers both Gaston and Jeffrey lived together in New Orleans, and Gaston was known to be selling drugs and women.
“both Gaston and Jeffrey lived together” means they both lived with other people, who are unnamed. What you mean is “Gaston and Jeffrey lived together” ie with each other.
And how did she discover they “lived together” on the computer? “computer” is a cop out for finding clues if they aren’t explained.
you can’t sell women. You can rent them out but technically no selling. The fact that I notice this means I've stopped being carried along by the synopsis and I'm now watching for mistakes. This is a VERY bad sign.
Attending Mac’s funeral at Chasen Funeral Home, she notices Mac’s boss is missing, the one who took the disk from Mac’s locker. Going to his apartment, she finds Starks dead in his bedroom. His girlfriend arrives, and Kelsey tells her that if she knows about the DVD disk, she should tell the police.
Later, Kelsey hooks up with Wong to talk to the manager who found Sheila’s body at the Myrtle Inn, a sleazy welfare hotel. Known as Ketchup Barker, he tells them about the two men half-carrying her into the lobby. The description points to Jeffrey and Gaston. Kelsey suspects they supplied her with drugs and prostituted her. She wonders why Jeffrey would do such a thing to his lover’s sister.
Hatterton calls to tell her Sparks’ girlfriend, Maria, is missing. They both agree it’s not a good sign. Later, Kelsey confronts Mike Baronski at his home. He admits to the fight with Mac, but says it was a lover’s spat. He wanted Mac to leave Jeffrey, but Mac said he needed to clear up some “bad stuff between him and Jeffrey” first. After Mac’s death, Jeffrey harassed Mike, and he was afraid of him.
Kelsey breaks into Jeffrey’s house, finds the missing DVD disk. On it is a movie with a naked Sheila crawling into a coffin, pretending to be dead. It was a come-on for men who enjoy necrophilia.
The next day, Kelsey breaks into the funeral home. Jeffrey and Gaston are talking to a man named Tommy Hooplewhite. When her presence is discovered, Tommy knocks Kelsey out. When she wakes up, she is in a small room with the Sparks’ girlfriend’s dead body.
Tommy Hooplewhite explains they cater to the necrophilia trade. Out of revenge for Mac’s infidelity, Jeffrey hooks his sister on drugs and introduces her to Hooplewhite. To add authenticity to the act, they immerse the girl into a tub of ice chips. Because of her drug use, a weakened Sheila went into a coma, but Jeffrey insists they had revived her and returned her alive to the Myrtle Inn. However, after her death, Mac kept snooping around, and they needed to kill him, and later, the others.
They have plans for Kelsey, which include immersing her into a tub of ice for a customer coming up from New York. Jeffrey is given instructions to prepare her. She tries to tell them about her heart condition, but they don’t care. She slips into a coma.
She wakes up in the hospital. A worried Paul Wong broke into the funeral home, and saves her from death. Jeffrey, Gaston and Tommy are arrested for the murders of Mac, Starks and his girlfriend.
oh man, this was old when they used it in The Perils of Pauline. First of all, the rescue, the heat of the action (so to speak, considering she’s covered in ice) happens OFF THE PAGE. Nothing is liklier to make me snarl. Second, she’s the heroine and she’s rescued by someone. YUCK.
Kelsey asking for a favor from Wong and Hatterton, goes back to the Myrtle Inn. She believes Sheila was given a hot shot by Ketchup, the day manager. Not to kill her, but to get her so strung out, she’d sleep with him. He confesses to it, and is arrested.
An impressed Wong asks her to work for him as a private investigator, and she agrees. She looks forward to going back to doing investigations.
Why doesn’t she just go back to being a cop? If she retired on disability, i bet she’s not allowed to work or she loses her benefits. You have to keep this stuff real or you lose the reader’s trust.
You’ve focused on events in this but the good news is that it reveals you’ve got some pretty fundamental flaws in your plot. Even if you had the zippiest writing in the world, this won’t fly as it’s laid out.
#87 Crapometer
Fantasy
Synopsis of "No Need for Words"
Orossy is pretty enough to be the girl he pretends to be, and gelded to make sure he stays that way. Disillusioned with his tavern life, he takes a lover for the night: Tommasin, the sadistic overseer of the Asteri farmlands. Tommasin possesses a mind-gift and rifles through Orossy's mind to discover Orossy's traumatic past. He woos the young man into his employ as messenger boy and intimate companion.
When Tommasin starts to get violent one night, Orossy's personality disappears and is replaced with Rossa, a female alter determined to protect Orossy. Rossa knows about Orossy, but not vice versa; all Orossy knows is that he often wakes up with terrible headaches, and no memory of what passed the night before. Tommasin is aware of the difference.
Orossy befriends Lerryn, a mute autistic boy with a talent for sketching plants. They become friends. Orossy knows Lerryn is being abused by his family, and begins to fear for Lerryn's life. Lerryn's father tracks them down, accuses Orossy of rape and beats him.
Lerryn's parents cede his care to the city of Sakkireth. Healer Rewenna, director of the Sakkireth Infirmary, comes to escort Lerryn. On the ride back, she startles Lerryn and he runs away.
Maddren, Lord Governor of the Asteri territory, finds Lerryn outside of his arboretum, senses Lerryn's obsession with his plants, and discovers that Lerryn can use his mind-gift to manipulate their healing properties. He speaks mind-to-mind with Lerryn so the boy can understand. Maddren lets him stay and teaches him to overcome his autism.
Tommasin arrives home with a healer named Rohn to heal Orossy. Orossy reluctantly becomes intimate with him after Rohn says he might be able to restore Orossy's masculinity.
Tommasin sends Orossy to Sakkireth and bring back Lerryn (what??) and puts a compulsion on Orossy's mind so that if Orossy dares to talk about Tommasin or Rohn, he will feel excruciating pain. Rossa is told to seduce Maddren so Tommasin can use her to reach Maddren's mind.
Lerryn rapidly improves. Rewenna takes him as her apprentice to become Master Herbalist, but Lerryn doesn't know how to interact with other children and accidentally harms another student.
Meanwhile, a sick Orossy ends up in the Infirmary under the care of the herb-woman Karraby. They trace his background, and Rewenna is horrified to learn that Orossy had possibly taken advantage of Lerryn in the farmlands.
Orossy wakes, senses Lerryn, and finds him hiding in his stillroom. (he’s a bootlegger?) Rewenna, Maddren and Karraby find them, and Maddren takes both boys home. Karraby, by returning Orossy's dresses and being understanding about his lifestyle, befriends him.
Orossy spends time helping Lerryn improve, and resumes his prostitution. He finds Rohn in a tavern, in town to track Orossy's progress. Later, Rossa nearly succeeds in seducing the Lord Governor while Tommasin searches through his mind. Maddren realizes what is happening, and only Lerryn's pleading keeps Maddren from sending Orossy away.
Lerryn finds Orossy and, curious, offers Orossy money to spend the night with him. Orossy does. Rossa emerges at Orossy's guilt, and realizes it's time for to return to Tommasin.
The next morning, Orossy means to take Lerryn to class by horseback, but is intercepted by Rohn. Lerryn is kidnapped on Orossy's horse and taken away to Tommasin by Rohn's two accomplices. Orossy is knocked unconscious. Rohn takes him back to the tavern, and uses his mind-gift to torture Orossy until Rossa emerges, also helpless. When Rohn is finished, he leans over to whisper a brutal secret: Orossy is Tommasin's bastard son.
Rossa reaches out to Tommasin through their mental link. Tommasin focuses Rossa's mind-gift on Rohn and drives the man mad. Rohn, naked, plunges down the stairs to his death. Orossy is taken to Maddren's. Rewenna tends to him, and after a while they figure out that Lerryn never made it to the Infirmary. Maddren, still unaware of Orossy's split personality, uncovers Tommasin's compulsion after he questions Rossa, who's pretending to be Orossy. He offers Orossy/Rossa the chance to trace it back to its creator and find Lerryn.
Rossa agrees. Maddren traces the compulsion to Tommasin, finds he is a Lycenian spy by the name of Tomak, and uncovers his plans to eradicate the Asteri. Tomak senses him and breaks the compulsion, which nearly kills Orossy.
!!aliens have now officially arrived!!
Karraby meets Rossa, and they go to Lord Maddren, who wants to speak with Orossy. Rossa asks to be able to touch the Lord Governor's mind, in order to find out if he can be trusted with Orossy's safekeeping. Maddren agrees. A traumatized Orossy emerges, and is able to use the bond he has with his horse to track Tomak and Lerryn.
Tomak has kidnapped Lerryn to get the boy to reveal the contents of a vial of poison he means to use to destroy the Asteri. He's used Lerryn's fears against him, and when those failed, forced Lerryn to drink some of the paralytic poison to induce cooperation. Lerryn refuses, and starts to die. Tomak escapes as Maddren approaches.
Rossa reveals her presence to Orossy, and uses her/his mind-gift to help Lerryn survive and takes him back to Sakkireth.
Lerryn begins to heal. Karraby takes care of Rossa and Orossy, and eventually convinces Rossa to merge with Orossy and to go visit Lerryn. Orossy asks if Lerryn still hates him. Lerryn says yes, but that he will forgive him if Orossy makes love to him, because the last time Orossy slept with him, it "was business."
Orossy agrees, but is terrified; he's never understood the real meaning of love. He gives it a valiant effort, but starts having flashbacks to previous encounters before they get very far. Lerryn brings him back, comforting him without words. They're both still afraid, and know Tomak will return one day, but for now they're safe and in love.
You’re awash in events, and names. Time to prune heavily. You have nine named characters and you refer to them sometimes by their title instead of their name. You don’t need every detail of plot, or every character in the book included in the synopsis.
Aliens arrive in the form of bringing in a plot twist about spies that bears no resemblence to anything that’s come before.
You might have a good book here but this doesn’t reveal that; it's a mess.
Synopsis of "No Need for Words"
Orossy is pretty enough to be the girl he pretends to be, and gelded to make sure he stays that way. Disillusioned with his tavern life, he takes a lover for the night: Tommasin, the sadistic overseer of the Asteri farmlands. Tommasin possesses a mind-gift and rifles through Orossy's mind to discover Orossy's traumatic past. He woos the young man into his employ as messenger boy and intimate companion.
When Tommasin starts to get violent one night, Orossy's personality disappears and is replaced with Rossa, a female alter determined to protect Orossy. Rossa knows about Orossy, but not vice versa; all Orossy knows is that he often wakes up with terrible headaches, and no memory of what passed the night before. Tommasin is aware of the difference.
Orossy befriends Lerryn, a mute autistic boy with a talent for sketching plants. They become friends. Orossy knows Lerryn is being abused by his family, and begins to fear for Lerryn's life. Lerryn's father tracks them down, accuses Orossy of rape and beats him.
Lerryn's parents cede his care to the city of Sakkireth. Healer Rewenna, director of the Sakkireth Infirmary, comes to escort Lerryn. On the ride back, she startles Lerryn and he runs away.
Maddren, Lord Governor of the Asteri territory, finds Lerryn outside of his arboretum, senses Lerryn's obsession with his plants, and discovers that Lerryn can use his mind-gift to manipulate their healing properties. He speaks mind-to-mind with Lerryn so the boy can understand. Maddren lets him stay and teaches him to overcome his autism.
Tommasin arrives home with a healer named Rohn to heal Orossy. Orossy reluctantly becomes intimate with him after Rohn says he might be able to restore Orossy's masculinity.
Tommasin sends Orossy to Sakkireth and bring back Lerryn (what??) and puts a compulsion on Orossy's mind so that if Orossy dares to talk about Tommasin or Rohn, he will feel excruciating pain. Rossa is told to seduce Maddren so Tommasin can use her to reach Maddren's mind.
Lerryn rapidly improves. Rewenna takes him as her apprentice to become Master Herbalist, but Lerryn doesn't know how to interact with other children and accidentally harms another student.
Meanwhile, a sick Orossy ends up in the Infirmary under the care of the herb-woman Karraby. They trace his background, and Rewenna is horrified to learn that Orossy had possibly taken advantage of Lerryn in the farmlands.
Orossy wakes, senses Lerryn, and finds him hiding in his stillroom. (he’s a bootlegger?) Rewenna, Maddren and Karraby find them, and Maddren takes both boys home. Karraby, by returning Orossy's dresses and being understanding about his lifestyle, befriends him.
Orossy spends time helping Lerryn improve, and resumes his prostitution. He finds Rohn in a tavern, in town to track Orossy's progress. Later, Rossa nearly succeeds in seducing the Lord Governor while Tommasin searches through his mind. Maddren realizes what is happening, and only Lerryn's pleading keeps Maddren from sending Orossy away.
Lerryn finds Orossy and, curious, offers Orossy money to spend the night with him. Orossy does. Rossa emerges at Orossy's guilt, and realizes it's time for to return to Tommasin.
The next morning, Orossy means to take Lerryn to class by horseback, but is intercepted by Rohn. Lerryn is kidnapped on Orossy's horse and taken away to Tommasin by Rohn's two accomplices. Orossy is knocked unconscious. Rohn takes him back to the tavern, and uses his mind-gift to torture Orossy until Rossa emerges, also helpless. When Rohn is finished, he leans over to whisper a brutal secret: Orossy is Tommasin's bastard son.
Rossa reaches out to Tommasin through their mental link. Tommasin focuses Rossa's mind-gift on Rohn and drives the man mad. Rohn, naked, plunges down the stairs to his death. Orossy is taken to Maddren's. Rewenna tends to him, and after a while they figure out that Lerryn never made it to the Infirmary. Maddren, still unaware of Orossy's split personality, uncovers Tommasin's compulsion after he questions Rossa, who's pretending to be Orossy. He offers Orossy/Rossa the chance to trace it back to its creator and find Lerryn.
Rossa agrees. Maddren traces the compulsion to Tommasin, finds he is a Lycenian spy by the name of Tomak, and uncovers his plans to eradicate the Asteri. Tomak senses him and breaks the compulsion, which nearly kills Orossy.
!!aliens have now officially arrived!!
Karraby meets Rossa, and they go to Lord Maddren, who wants to speak with Orossy. Rossa asks to be able to touch the Lord Governor's mind, in order to find out if he can be trusted with Orossy's safekeeping. Maddren agrees. A traumatized Orossy emerges, and is able to use the bond he has with his horse to track Tomak and Lerryn.
Tomak has kidnapped Lerryn to get the boy to reveal the contents of a vial of poison he means to use to destroy the Asteri. He's used Lerryn's fears against him, and when those failed, forced Lerryn to drink some of the paralytic poison to induce cooperation. Lerryn refuses, and starts to die. Tomak escapes as Maddren approaches.
Rossa reveals her presence to Orossy, and uses her/his mind-gift to help Lerryn survive and takes him back to Sakkireth.
Lerryn begins to heal. Karraby takes care of Rossa and Orossy, and eventually convinces Rossa to merge with Orossy and to go visit Lerryn. Orossy asks if Lerryn still hates him. Lerryn says yes, but that he will forgive him if Orossy makes love to him, because the last time Orossy slept with him, it "was business."
Orossy agrees, but is terrified; he's never understood the real meaning of love. He gives it a valiant effort, but starts having flashbacks to previous encounters before they get very far. Lerryn brings him back, comforting him without words. They're both still afraid, and know Tomak will return one day, but for now they're safe and in love.
You’re awash in events, and names. Time to prune heavily. You have nine named characters and you refer to them sometimes by their title instead of their name. You don’t need every detail of plot, or every character in the book included in the synopsis.
Aliens arrive in the form of bringing in a plot twist about spies that bears no resemblence to anything that’s come before.
You might have a good book here but this doesn’t reveal that; it's a mess.
#86 Crapometer
genre: science fiction
Computer expert JOHN BANNON grew up in and works for the Dominion, a powerful democratic empire convinced that its version of freedom is right not only for its own citizens but for all other cultures, if they could only see it. And if they can't see it, perhaps they should be invaded and forced to--the Dominion has the resources to do so, and many of its citizens believe that it should.
While on leave from the government ship he serves on, Bannon encounters a gang of slavers, and finds himself on a journey that is more than physical. Kidnapped to keep him from talking, (about what?) then sold on Palladium, where slavery is accepted, he is initially horrified by and contemptuous of the mores of a society so different from his own. True, his new owner the SENATOR seems surprisingly kind and civilised, and Bannon has known worse employers as a free man. But Bannon's ship crew training covered the possibility of hijacking. He knows all about Stockholm syndrome, and is determined not to succumb.
However, things are not that simple. He becomes aware that the Senator too knows about Stockholm syndrome and is using it to subvert him. But the Senator, though brought up to accept slavery, is working to improve the conditions and protection of slaves through the law; and the advanced technical expertise Bannon brings from the Dominion can help him frustrate the machinations of his political opponents.
At first, Bannon co-operates simply because he sees no harm in doing so. But when he learns the worst of what the Senator is fighting, he willingly offers his wholehearted help and support. Bannon is not the only slave on the Senator's staff; MICHAEL, the Senator's bodyguard and
right hand man, is one of a group of clones. When Bannon realises that Michael is different to his brothers, (you’re different from, not different to) the Senator explains that they were manufactured on a planet where clones are considered disposable tools. The others have been genetically modified for docility; Michael is from an earlier batch now considered faulty, and could be returned to the factory for disposal in part-exchange for the newer model.
Bannon has learnt that in Palladium's culture slaves are people, with restricted rights but strict legal protections. There are, however, those on Palladium who would prefer their slaves to be mere equipment, their absolute property, and Michael's clone group was imported by one such person. The Senator is one of the most formidable political opponents of this faction, and is a man whom Bannon knows he would have admired and wanted to help if he'd met him under other circumstances. It becomes ever more difficult for him to distinguish between Stockholm syndrome and genuine respect for the Senator.
Adding to Bannon's problems, he comes from a sensually repressed society, while Palladium is unrestrained by his standards. There is a side of Bannon which has not been allowed to find expression in the Dominion but which he could express freely in Palladium--if only he could overcome the lifelong conditioning that tells him he ought not to.
The Senator in turn finds that conditioning as abhorrent as Bannon does slavery. He's determined to free Bannon from the barriers in his mind, without realizing just how different their two cultures are. His initial attempts at sex are disastrous, because he does not understand that to Bannon this is rape. But there are practical reasons why he should persist, and they manage to negotiate a relationship that presents an acceptable master-slave appearance to Palladium society without further traumatising Bannon.
this is getting tres kinky.
Bannon, torn between both personal and political loyalties, is forced to rethink the nature of freedom and see that a "good man" does not necessarily act in one society as he would in another. And he comes to realise that he is genuinely drawn to the Senator, both emotionally and physically, by his own nature as much as by Stockholm conditioning. Still desperate to go home, he no longer sees home in the same way.
Ultimately he must choose between two cultures, aware now that both have flaws and offer different freedoms. And he must make his choice knowing that whatever path he chooses will have repercussions for Palladium. The Dominion is intent on eliminating slavery, and the Senator's purchase of an abducted Dominion government employee could provide an excuse to invade Palladium, even though Palladium is far from the worst of the slave-holding cultures.
Bannon's choice, to go with his ship's captain come to rescue him, and plead Palladium's case to the Dominion military, shifts the balance in favour of negotiation. There is popular support for an invasion of a slave-holder planet, but the Dominion's intelligence service believes that supporting Palladium's liberal faction will take longer but offers a better prospect of permanent change. The Palladium government is already trying to improve the behaviour of its slave-holding neighbours through diplomatic and economic pressure, so Intelligence are (is) willing to consider providing help to their Palladium counterparts--and Bannon is offered the chance to return as one of the intelligence liaison staff in the new Dominion Embassy. Such a move will change his relationship with the Senator forever, but if he's willing to gamble everything, he could win everything. As the novel closes, he realises that he has no choice but to go back to Palladium, and the man he loves.
The novel is complete in itself, but leaves open the question of whether the Dominion will use Palladium as an example to others, or as an opportunity to negotiate. It also leaves open the fact that Bannon will be required to spy on his friend as well as help him. Bannon must also
come to terms with his feelings for his captain, repressed until now. This provides a hook for a sequel in which to deal with the unfinished business of both the political relationships between the governments, and the personal relationships between the characters.
Well, the politics is a little heavy handed but then so was Robert Heinlein’s. I’d try to crisp up the writing here (ie chop up most of those long ass sentences) to give it some energy, but you’ve got the basics of a good synopsis here.
Computer expert JOHN BANNON grew up in and works for the Dominion, a powerful democratic empire convinced that its version of freedom is right not only for its own citizens but for all other cultures, if they could only see it. And if they can't see it, perhaps they should be invaded and forced to--the Dominion has the resources to do so, and many of its citizens believe that it should.
While on leave from the government ship he serves on, Bannon encounters a gang of slavers, and finds himself on a journey that is more than physical. Kidnapped to keep him from talking, (about what?) then sold on Palladium, where slavery is accepted, he is initially horrified by and contemptuous of the mores of a society so different from his own. True, his new owner the SENATOR seems surprisingly kind and civilised, and Bannon has known worse employers as a free man. But Bannon's ship crew training covered the possibility of hijacking. He knows all about Stockholm syndrome, and is determined not to succumb.
However, things are not that simple. He becomes aware that the Senator too knows about Stockholm syndrome and is using it to subvert him. But the Senator, though brought up to accept slavery, is working to improve the conditions and protection of slaves through the law; and the advanced technical expertise Bannon brings from the Dominion can help him frustrate the machinations of his political opponents.
At first, Bannon co-operates simply because he sees no harm in doing so. But when he learns the worst of what the Senator is fighting, he willingly offers his wholehearted help and support. Bannon is not the only slave on the Senator's staff; MICHAEL, the Senator's bodyguard and
right hand man, is one of a group of clones. When Bannon realises that Michael is different to his brothers, (you’re different from, not different to) the Senator explains that they were manufactured on a planet where clones are considered disposable tools. The others have been genetically modified for docility; Michael is from an earlier batch now considered faulty, and could be returned to the factory for disposal in part-exchange for the newer model.
Bannon has learnt that in Palladium's culture slaves are people, with restricted rights but strict legal protections. There are, however, those on Palladium who would prefer their slaves to be mere equipment, their absolute property, and Michael's clone group was imported by one such person. The Senator is one of the most formidable political opponents of this faction, and is a man whom Bannon knows he would have admired and wanted to help if he'd met him under other circumstances. It becomes ever more difficult for him to distinguish between Stockholm syndrome and genuine respect for the Senator.
Adding to Bannon's problems, he comes from a sensually repressed society, while Palladium is unrestrained by his standards. There is a side of Bannon which has not been allowed to find expression in the Dominion but which he could express freely in Palladium--if only he could overcome the lifelong conditioning that tells him he ought not to.
The Senator in turn finds that conditioning as abhorrent as Bannon does slavery. He's determined to free Bannon from the barriers in his mind, without realizing just how different their two cultures are. His initial attempts at sex are disastrous, because he does not understand that to Bannon this is rape. But there are practical reasons why he should persist, and they manage to negotiate a relationship that presents an acceptable master-slave appearance to Palladium society without further traumatising Bannon.
this is getting tres kinky.
Bannon, torn between both personal and political loyalties, is forced to rethink the nature of freedom and see that a "good man" does not necessarily act in one society as he would in another. And he comes to realise that he is genuinely drawn to the Senator, both emotionally and physically, by his own nature as much as by Stockholm conditioning. Still desperate to go home, he no longer sees home in the same way.
Ultimately he must choose between two cultures, aware now that both have flaws and offer different freedoms. And he must make his choice knowing that whatever path he chooses will have repercussions for Palladium. The Dominion is intent on eliminating slavery, and the Senator's purchase of an abducted Dominion government employee could provide an excuse to invade Palladium, even though Palladium is far from the worst of the slave-holding cultures.
Bannon's choice, to go with his ship's captain come to rescue him, and plead Palladium's case to the Dominion military, shifts the balance in favour of negotiation. There is popular support for an invasion of a slave-holder planet, but the Dominion's intelligence service believes that supporting Palladium's liberal faction will take longer but offers a better prospect of permanent change. The Palladium government is already trying to improve the behaviour of its slave-holding neighbours through diplomatic and economic pressure, so Intelligence are (is) willing to consider providing help to their Palladium counterparts--and Bannon is offered the chance to return as one of the intelligence liaison staff in the new Dominion Embassy. Such a move will change his relationship with the Senator forever, but if he's willing to gamble everything, he could win everything. As the novel closes, he realises that he has no choice but to go back to Palladium, and the man he loves.
The novel is complete in itself, but leaves open the question of whether the Dominion will use Palladium as an example to others, or as an opportunity to negotiate. It also leaves open the fact that Bannon will be required to spy on his friend as well as help him. Bannon must also
come to terms with his feelings for his captain, repressed until now. This provides a hook for a sequel in which to deal with the unfinished business of both the political relationships between the governments, and the personal relationships between the characters.
Well, the politics is a little heavy handed but then so was Robert Heinlein’s. I’d try to crisp up the writing here (ie chop up most of those long ass sentences) to give it some energy, but you’ve got the basics of a good synopsis here.
#85 Crapometer
Shoebox Secrets
Middle Grade Novel (Children's Fiction)
Synopsis
Emily Petrie is eleven years old and still doesn't know her father's name. Her mother parties almost every night, and Emily manages the checking account, their apartment, and her mom. So when her mother, Anne, claims she can't afford to keep Emily home for the summer, she gladly travels to her grandparents' house for a break.
What begins as a welcome vacation turns into a confusing series of events as Emily meets Molly Hopkins, the daughter of her grandparents' new neighbor. Molly pressures Emily to talk about her family, revealing that Emily has never met her father and doesn't know who he is.
The subject of this compound sentence is “Molly”. The verb “revealing” makes it look as though Molly is revealing that Emily has never met her father and doesn’t know who he is. Obvioiusly that’s not what you mean to say since it doesn't make sense.
Later, while staying in her mother's old bedroom, Emily finds the first clue to his identity hidden in a shoebox stuffed under the floorboards: her birth certificate, clearly stating his name. Meanwhile, her mother calls and informs her grandparents that she isn't coming for Emily when she'd initially said she was, providing little explanation as to why.
As Emily copes with feelings of frustration and desertion, she and Molly uncover her father's identity (which you’ve told us she already got from the birth certificate...you mean she uncovers either his photo or more information) through a stolen high school yearbook. A day later, when Emily proposes a plan to get close to her father, Molly coldly rejects it, (why?) leaving Emily to negotiate her next step alone. On her own, Emily stakes out his house, trying to glimpse him when he comes home from work. Molly, she discovers, was right: she can't do
everything by herself. (so if Molly says that, why isn’t she helping?)
These revelations are overshadowed, however, as Emily discovers the truth behind her separation from her mother: Anne is pregnant. Stunned, Emily tries to navigate this twist and what it means for her life. She quickly realizes that she will be the baby's caretaker if she lives with her mother, unless Anne makes some major lifestyle changes.
When Anne appears at Nanna and Papa's door unannounced, she demands that Emily pack her bags and move home. Emily responds with, "I'm more a mother to you than you are to me. I don't want to be a mother to your new baby. I don't want to be part of this new family,” and tells Anne that she prefers living with her grandparents to their life together. Anne flees,
avoiding more discussion and leaving Emily behind yet again; this time maybe for good. Emily turns to her friendship with Molly for comfort.
Emily now must decide if she truly does want to stay with her grandparents (look, she’s 11. She’s got about zero say in the matter legally) and potentially develop a relationship with her father or take the risk of living with her mother and sibling. She surprises herself by longing for a complete family with everyone involved. (this is a surprise?) She hopes Anne can change, but is afraid to trust her. (no kidding)
The climax of the story occurs when Emily confronts her mother for the last time and makes her decision about where she will live. For the first time, Emily expresses her true wishes, and tells Anne that she won't leave unless Anne takes more responsibility for their life as a family and introduces her to her father. Emily won't let herself be walked on.
Throughout the novel, she has become more assertive of her own needs, but in the end it is the tentative faith that she has in her mother that will give Emily the family that she's been missing - one in which her father plays a role.
You’ve set up the whole father discovery thing and then let it drop. The grandparents, Anne’s parents, seem invisible. Why aren’t they more interested in taking care of Emily? The idea of a “whole family where everyone is involved” is clearly the unrealistic ideal of an eleven year old who wants what she doesn’t have. The synopsis isn’t bad but it reveals fundamental flaws in the novel.
Middle Grade Novel (Children's Fiction)
Synopsis
Emily Petrie is eleven years old and still doesn't know her father's name. Her mother parties almost every night, and Emily manages the checking account, their apartment, and her mom. So when her mother, Anne, claims she can't afford to keep Emily home for the summer, she gladly travels to her grandparents' house for a break.
What begins as a welcome vacation turns into a confusing series of events as Emily meets Molly Hopkins, the daughter of her grandparents' new neighbor. Molly pressures Emily to talk about her family, revealing that Emily has never met her father and doesn't know who he is.
The subject of this compound sentence is “Molly”. The verb “revealing” makes it look as though Molly is revealing that Emily has never met her father and doesn’t know who he is. Obvioiusly that’s not what you mean to say since it doesn't make sense.
Later, while staying in her mother's old bedroom, Emily finds the first clue to his identity hidden in a shoebox stuffed under the floorboards: her birth certificate, clearly stating his name. Meanwhile, her mother calls and informs her grandparents that she isn't coming for Emily when she'd initially said she was, providing little explanation as to why.
As Emily copes with feelings of frustration and desertion, she and Molly uncover her father's identity (which you’ve told us she already got from the birth certificate...you mean she uncovers either his photo or more information) through a stolen high school yearbook. A day later, when Emily proposes a plan to get close to her father, Molly coldly rejects it, (why?) leaving Emily to negotiate her next step alone. On her own, Emily stakes out his house, trying to glimpse him when he comes home from work. Molly, she discovers, was right: she can't do
everything by herself. (so if Molly says that, why isn’t she helping?)
These revelations are overshadowed, however, as Emily discovers the truth behind her separation from her mother: Anne is pregnant. Stunned, Emily tries to navigate this twist and what it means for her life. She quickly realizes that she will be the baby's caretaker if she lives with her mother, unless Anne makes some major lifestyle changes.
When Anne appears at Nanna and Papa's door unannounced, she demands that Emily pack her bags and move home. Emily responds with, "I'm more a mother to you than you are to me. I don't want to be a mother to your new baby. I don't want to be part of this new family,” and tells Anne that she prefers living with her grandparents to their life together. Anne flees,
avoiding more discussion and leaving Emily behind yet again; this time maybe for good. Emily turns to her friendship with Molly for comfort.
Emily now must decide if she truly does want to stay with her grandparents (look, she’s 11. She’s got about zero say in the matter legally) and potentially develop a relationship with her father or take the risk of living with her mother and sibling. She surprises herself by longing for a complete family with everyone involved. (this is a surprise?) She hopes Anne can change, but is afraid to trust her. (no kidding)
The climax of the story occurs when Emily confronts her mother for the last time and makes her decision about where she will live. For the first time, Emily expresses her true wishes, and tells Anne that she won't leave unless Anne takes more responsibility for their life as a family and introduces her to her father. Emily won't let herself be walked on.
Throughout the novel, she has become more assertive of her own needs, but in the end it is the tentative faith that she has in her mother that will give Emily the family that she's been missing - one in which her father plays a role.
You’ve set up the whole father discovery thing and then let it drop. The grandparents, Anne’s parents, seem invisible. Why aren’t they more interested in taking care of Emily? The idea of a “whole family where everyone is involved” is clearly the unrealistic ideal of an eleven year old who wants what she doesn’t have. The synopsis isn’t bad but it reveals fundamental flaws in the novel.
#84 Crapometer
Genre: historical fiction (setting, Britain in the 7th century AD)
Wulfric is the youngest son of the king of Lindsey and guardian of the kingdom's border. His hopes are clear; to be a worthy leader of his warband; to protect the border lands from enemy raiders; to marry his betrothed, the beautiful Estrilda; and to support his idolised elder brother Aelfric, heir to the throne. When Lindsey is invaded by its predatory neighbour, Mercia, Wulfric and his small force fight a fierce rearguard action and make a bitter enemy of a Mercian warrior, Grimbeald. They arrive in the kingdom's capital to find that Aelfric has been mysteriously murdered, and the next day Lindsey is utterly defeated in a disastrous battle.
Wulfric has to flee for his life accompanied only by a few loyal friends. His ingenuity saves them from immediate capture but all Lindsey's former allies have changed to the winning side and there is a price on his head. Their situation becomes increasingly desperate until, hiding incognito in the wilderness, they are eventually given shelter on a remote hill farm.
Here Wulfric meets Morwenna, a woman his equal in intellect and courage. In defending the farm against raiders and in a dangerous clash with the local lord, they develop first friendship and then love. But Wulfric is still bound by his betrothal to Estrilda, obliged to avenge his brother Aelfric's murder, and owes a duty of protection to the people on his old lands. These loyalties tear him away from Morwenna, at great pain to them both.
Wulfric has discovered that Aelfric was murdered by Raedwulf, captain of Aelfric's own bodyguard. Following Raedwulf's trail, he finds out that Lindsey was betrayed on the eve of the battle and suspects Raedwulf of this crime too. He also learns that his old lands are being terrorised by Grimbeald, and that Raedwulf has been captured and taken there. This knowledge sends Wulfric back to Lindsey, despite the price on his head.
There he goes in search of Estrilda, thinking to rescue her, but is shocked and hurt to find she has happily abandoned him for a Mercian lord. She is being used, unwittingly, as the bait for a trap, and Wulfric only just escapes capture. Hiding from the pursuit, he encounters a refugee from Aelfric's household, and an object in her possession proves that it was Aelfric who betrayed Lindsey before the battle. Wulfric is horrified by this discovery; all his life he has looked up to Aelfric as his idol and tried to live up to him. Honour demands that he should still kill Raedwulf in revenge for Aelfric's death, but his own sense of justice insists that Raedwulf acted rightly and deserves to be found and rewarded, not punished.
Keeping one jump ahead of their enemies, Wulfric and his friends follow Raedwulf and Grimbeald to their old lands on the border, where they join forces with the local population and destroy Grimbeald in an ingenious ambush. Raedwulf believes Wulfric is still seeking vengeance and flees into danger. Wulfric tries to save him, but when Raedwulf realises that Wulfric knows of Aelfric's dishonourable betrayal he tries to kill Wulfric to protect Aelfric's reputation, even though this results in his own death.
For the first time in his life, Wulfric is no longer in his brother's shadow. When the local population acclaim him as King of Lindsey, he accepts it in his own right. But he is pragmatic enough to know that he does not yet have the strength to overthrow Mercia. For that he needs a large military following and political allies, which will have to be sought in other kingdoms. So he goes into exile with a handful of loyal followers, having lost his idol, his woman and his lands, but having gained a new and greater ambition.
The main theme of the book is loyalty and its limits; e.g. loyalty between a betrothed couple, loyalty of followers to a lord, loyalty of a lord to his people, loyalty within a family, and loyalty to a kingdom. All of these figure in the plot and some of the characters hold to their loyalties and some do not.
If you write the synopsis well enough, the theme is clear. I think you did.
This is good because it sets up the world we “join in progress” and gives us a starting point for what happens next. The characters’ motivations are clear; you’re not awash in events. I don’t read enough historical fiction to know if this is a rehash of every other 7th Century AD book under the sun, but I don’t see any surprises or “aha” turns in the plot. I also see the women are all subordinate characters and only love interests. That would be a big "ugh" for me.
Wulfric is the youngest son of the king of Lindsey and guardian of the kingdom's border. His hopes are clear; to be a worthy leader of his warband; to protect the border lands from enemy raiders; to marry his betrothed, the beautiful Estrilda; and to support his idolised elder brother Aelfric, heir to the throne. When Lindsey is invaded by its predatory neighbour, Mercia, Wulfric and his small force fight a fierce rearguard action and make a bitter enemy of a Mercian warrior, Grimbeald. They arrive in the kingdom's capital to find that Aelfric has been mysteriously murdered, and the next day Lindsey is utterly defeated in a disastrous battle.
Wulfric has to flee for his life accompanied only by a few loyal friends. His ingenuity saves them from immediate capture but all Lindsey's former allies have changed to the winning side and there is a price on his head. Their situation becomes increasingly desperate until, hiding incognito in the wilderness, they are eventually given shelter on a remote hill farm.
Here Wulfric meets Morwenna, a woman his equal in intellect and courage. In defending the farm against raiders and in a dangerous clash with the local lord, they develop first friendship and then love. But Wulfric is still bound by his betrothal to Estrilda, obliged to avenge his brother Aelfric's murder, and owes a duty of protection to the people on his old lands. These loyalties tear him away from Morwenna, at great pain to them both.
Wulfric has discovered that Aelfric was murdered by Raedwulf, captain of Aelfric's own bodyguard. Following Raedwulf's trail, he finds out that Lindsey was betrayed on the eve of the battle and suspects Raedwulf of this crime too. He also learns that his old lands are being terrorised by Grimbeald, and that Raedwulf has been captured and taken there. This knowledge sends Wulfric back to Lindsey, despite the price on his head.
There he goes in search of Estrilda, thinking to rescue her, but is shocked and hurt to find she has happily abandoned him for a Mercian lord. She is being used, unwittingly, as the bait for a trap, and Wulfric only just escapes capture. Hiding from the pursuit, he encounters a refugee from Aelfric's household, and an object in her possession proves that it was Aelfric who betrayed Lindsey before the battle. Wulfric is horrified by this discovery; all his life he has looked up to Aelfric as his idol and tried to live up to him. Honour demands that he should still kill Raedwulf in revenge for Aelfric's death, but his own sense of justice insists that Raedwulf acted rightly and deserves to be found and rewarded, not punished.
Keeping one jump ahead of their enemies, Wulfric and his friends follow Raedwulf and Grimbeald to their old lands on the border, where they join forces with the local population and destroy Grimbeald in an ingenious ambush. Raedwulf believes Wulfric is still seeking vengeance and flees into danger. Wulfric tries to save him, but when Raedwulf realises that Wulfric knows of Aelfric's dishonourable betrayal he tries to kill Wulfric to protect Aelfric's reputation, even though this results in his own death.
For the first time in his life, Wulfric is no longer in his brother's shadow. When the local population acclaim him as King of Lindsey, he accepts it in his own right. But he is pragmatic enough to know that he does not yet have the strength to overthrow Mercia. For that he needs a large military following and political allies, which will have to be sought in other kingdoms. So he goes into exile with a handful of loyal followers, having lost his idol, his woman and his lands, but having gained a new and greater ambition.
The main theme of the book is loyalty and its limits; e.g. loyalty between a betrothed couple, loyalty of followers to a lord, loyalty of a lord to his people, loyalty within a family, and loyalty to a kingdom. All of these figure in the plot and some of the characters hold to their loyalties and some do not.
If you write the synopsis well enough, the theme is clear. I think you did.
This is good because it sets up the world we “join in progress” and gives us a starting point for what happens next. The characters’ motivations are clear; you’re not awash in events. I don’t read enough historical fiction to know if this is a rehash of every other 7th Century AD book under the sun, but I don’t see any surprises or “aha” turns in the plot. I also see the women are all subordinate characters and only love interests. That would be a big "ugh" for me.
#83 Crapometer
mystery/thriller
Sariah has the unfortunate talent of psychometry: she can feel emotional "residue" left on objects. But one evening when she picks up her brother's work glove, she receives the feeling of murder.
Three girls - each with a slight resemblance to Sariah - have been killed during the past year. Sariah cannot believe her brother Josh had anything to do with those, even though he has a history of violence and mental illness. She considers other explanations, but none of them quite ease her suspicion. She scans her journal, looking for evidence of his innocence, but instead finds that he was off his meds and acting erratically during the times of each of the murders.
Sariah wants to believe her brother is innocent. But she knows that if he's guilty, he needs psychiatric help. Unwilling to call the police - or believe Josh's guilt - without concrete evidence, Sariah asks her friend Elliot for help, and hesitantly tells him about her
psychometry.
Ok, right here we have the first (of many) breaks in logic. WHY does Sarah ask Elliot for help, and what kind of help would he be able to provide? Why doesn't she call Josh's doctor? If Josh is on meds, there's a doctor in the picture.
Though skeptical, he agrees to help her investigate. Their boss, whose cousin was one of the victims, overhears part of this conversation. She confronts Sariah and threatens to call the police on Josh. Sariah barely manages to talk her out of it; the boss agrees to give her a day. Neither Sariah nor Elliot quite trust her to keep her word.
No kidding. You can’t serioiusly expect that someone would NOT tell the police if they knew who’d killed a young woman. Trust me on this; this doesn’t work.
They study news reports about the crimes, but learn nothing new. They go to one of the crime scenes, but too much time has passed; Sariah can gather no information with her ability. Elliot remembers a comment the boss made about the victims' hair, and he theorizes the killer may be keeping trophies.
Ya, all killers keep trophies. We know this cause we've seen it 100x before.
They enter Josh's house when he and his two roommates are out. They find nothing of note in his room, but in the attic, they find a shrine - to Sariah. Pictures of her line the walls and rafters, a tape recorder holds a tape of her voice, and a styrofoam mannequin head
wears glasses and chunks of long dark hair - just like Sariah's.
Very creepy of course. Too bad we’ve seen this kind of thing so often that it’s cliche. And a tape recorder? What year is this set?
Josh's roommates Luke and Martin return home early. Sariah and Elliot try to slip out of the attic unseen, but Sariah accidentally touches one of the pictures, and receives a psychometric flash so strong she can't move for a minute. Luke finds them in the attic and attacks Elliot. Martin pulls Luke away, and Elliot helps Sariah escape. Luke then strangles Martin and flees, minutes before police arrive: Sariah's boss has reported Josh.
ya, that’ll teach you to live with a murderer with a shrine in the attic.
With the evidence in the attic, plus more from Luke's room, Josh is quickly cleared (he was never charged with anything) and the police focus their search on Luke. While Sariah is relieved that Josh is innocent, she's almost catatonic with fear of Luke, especially once he sends her an email from the public library of a nearby town. Elliot and Josh stay with her.
So, why exactly is Luke the homicidal maniac fixated on Sariah? And why is he sending her emails all of a sudden? And more important, why is he killing people?
A couple of mornings later, while Elliot is at school taking an exam, Josh leaves Sariah asleep and makes a quick run to the pharmacy. Luke breaks into the apartment. Sariah fights him and draws blood, but when he bleeds on her it triggers the worst flash yet, and she passes out. Luke carries her to his truck; her glasses fall off and break in the parking lot.
Yes, they’re protecting her but it’s just a “quick run to the pharmacy”. This device was old when it was used on Gunsmoke in the 50’s.
He takes her to a small cabin. He also brought her purse, and he tells her to brush her hair and get ready for breakfast. In the bathroom, she tries to use her cell phone, but cannot receive any
signal. Her nightgown has no pockets, so she hides the cell in her underwear.
Luke has been preparing for this day. The table is spread with tablecloth and candles, and the kitchen is full of food. Sariah tries not to touch anything. He seats her, but as soon as she thinks his back is turned, she runs for the door. He easily intercepts her. Without anger, he tells her she has to stay, that he's made everything nice just for her: her favorite pasta, her favorite root beer, her favorite music.
Near-blind and trapped, Sariah decides to play along. She eats the food he cooks - rotini for breakfast? - and tries to keep up light conversation. After the meal, he brings out one of Sariah's favorite games. (Clue?)
She makes up a variation involving alcohol, and Luke agrees to play; there are several bottles of old liquor under the sink. Each time Sariah has to take a drink, she secretly spits it into her dark-colored root beer bottle, a trick she saw in a movie. Whenever Luke goes to the bathroom, she empties the bottle in the kitchen sink. Luke is getting drunk, and Sariah pretends to be. When she wins the game, Luke drinks the agreed-upon loser's penalty, but then realizes Sariah is not truly drunk. He grabs her, and they fight, but he trips over a bottle. Before he can get up, Sariah smashes another bottle against his head and escapes.
Without her glasses, Sariah can see only that she's on a road in the forest, and she runs till her cell phone can get a signal and she can call the police.
Elliot and Josh, who were also searching for her, meet her at the police station. Her bare feet are cut, her body is scraped and bruised, her nightgown is bloody - but she's alive.
The synopsis itself isn’t bad but it shows the weakness of the novel pretty clearly: it’s all been done before and it there’s no motivation for the plot. And before everyone jumps up and down and says “there are only six plots; it’s the writing that counts” I gotta tell you that if you use tired old plot devices you better have some new twists up your sleeve.
This is one of the main reasons agents look at synopses. Even five stellar pages of writing aren't going to save something that has a clearly expired freshness date.
Sariah has the unfortunate talent of psychometry: she can feel emotional "residue" left on objects. But one evening when she picks up her brother's work glove, she receives the feeling of murder.
Three girls - each with a slight resemblance to Sariah - have been killed during the past year. Sariah cannot believe her brother Josh had anything to do with those, even though he has a history of violence and mental illness. She considers other explanations, but none of them quite ease her suspicion. She scans her journal, looking for evidence of his innocence, but instead finds that he was off his meds and acting erratically during the times of each of the murders.
Sariah wants to believe her brother is innocent. But she knows that if he's guilty, he needs psychiatric help. Unwilling to call the police - or believe Josh's guilt - without concrete evidence, Sariah asks her friend Elliot for help, and hesitantly tells him about her
psychometry.
Ok, right here we have the first (of many) breaks in logic. WHY does Sarah ask Elliot for help, and what kind of help would he be able to provide? Why doesn't she call Josh's doctor? If Josh is on meds, there's a doctor in the picture.
Though skeptical, he agrees to help her investigate. Their boss, whose cousin was one of the victims, overhears part of this conversation. She confronts Sariah and threatens to call the police on Josh. Sariah barely manages to talk her out of it; the boss agrees to give her a day. Neither Sariah nor Elliot quite trust her to keep her word.
No kidding. You can’t serioiusly expect that someone would NOT tell the police if they knew who’d killed a young woman. Trust me on this; this doesn’t work.
They study news reports about the crimes, but learn nothing new. They go to one of the crime scenes, but too much time has passed; Sariah can gather no information with her ability. Elliot remembers a comment the boss made about the victims' hair, and he theorizes the killer may be keeping trophies.
Ya, all killers keep trophies. We know this cause we've seen it 100x before.
They enter Josh's house when he and his two roommates are out. They find nothing of note in his room, but in the attic, they find a shrine - to Sariah. Pictures of her line the walls and rafters, a tape recorder holds a tape of her voice, and a styrofoam mannequin head
wears glasses and chunks of long dark hair - just like Sariah's.
Very creepy of course. Too bad we’ve seen this kind of thing so often that it’s cliche. And a tape recorder? What year is this set?
Josh's roommates Luke and Martin return home early. Sariah and Elliot try to slip out of the attic unseen, but Sariah accidentally touches one of the pictures, and receives a psychometric flash so strong she can't move for a minute. Luke finds them in the attic and attacks Elliot. Martin pulls Luke away, and Elliot helps Sariah escape. Luke then strangles Martin and flees, minutes before police arrive: Sariah's boss has reported Josh.
ya, that’ll teach you to live with a murderer with a shrine in the attic.
With the evidence in the attic, plus more from Luke's room, Josh is quickly cleared (he was never charged with anything) and the police focus their search on Luke. While Sariah is relieved that Josh is innocent, she's almost catatonic with fear of Luke, especially once he sends her an email from the public library of a nearby town. Elliot and Josh stay with her.
So, why exactly is Luke the homicidal maniac fixated on Sariah? And why is he sending her emails all of a sudden? And more important, why is he killing people?
A couple of mornings later, while Elliot is at school taking an exam, Josh leaves Sariah asleep and makes a quick run to the pharmacy. Luke breaks into the apartment. Sariah fights him and draws blood, but when he bleeds on her it triggers the worst flash yet, and she passes out. Luke carries her to his truck; her glasses fall off and break in the parking lot.
Yes, they’re protecting her but it’s just a “quick run to the pharmacy”. This device was old when it was used on Gunsmoke in the 50’s.
He takes her to a small cabin. He also brought her purse, and he tells her to brush her hair and get ready for breakfast. In the bathroom, she tries to use her cell phone, but cannot receive any
signal. Her nightgown has no pockets, so she hides the cell in her underwear.
Luke has been preparing for this day. The table is spread with tablecloth and candles, and the kitchen is full of food. Sariah tries not to touch anything. He seats her, but as soon as she thinks his back is turned, she runs for the door. He easily intercepts her. Without anger, he tells her she has to stay, that he's made everything nice just for her: her favorite pasta, her favorite root beer, her favorite music.
Near-blind and trapped, Sariah decides to play along. She eats the food he cooks - rotini for breakfast? - and tries to keep up light conversation. After the meal, he brings out one of Sariah's favorite games. (Clue?)
She makes up a variation involving alcohol, and Luke agrees to play; there are several bottles of old liquor under the sink. Each time Sariah has to take a drink, she secretly spits it into her dark-colored root beer bottle, a trick she saw in a movie. Whenever Luke goes to the bathroom, she empties the bottle in the kitchen sink. Luke is getting drunk, and Sariah pretends to be. When she wins the game, Luke drinks the agreed-upon loser's penalty, but then realizes Sariah is not truly drunk. He grabs her, and they fight, but he trips over a bottle. Before he can get up, Sariah smashes another bottle against his head and escapes.
Without her glasses, Sariah can see only that she's on a road in the forest, and she runs till her cell phone can get a signal and she can call the police.
Elliot and Josh, who were also searching for her, meet her at the police station. Her bare feet are cut, her body is scraped and bruised, her nightgown is bloody - but she's alive.
The synopsis itself isn’t bad but it shows the weakness of the novel pretty clearly: it’s all been done before and it there’s no motivation for the plot. And before everyone jumps up and down and says “there are only six plots; it’s the writing that counts” I gotta tell you that if you use tired old plot devices you better have some new twists up your sleeve.
This is one of the main reasons agents look at synopses. Even five stellar pages of writing aren't going to save something that has a clearly expired freshness date.
#82 Crapometer
Single Title Contemporary Romance: DAMN RIGHT I'VE GOT THE BLUES
How you are raised and your cultural background shape the person you become. But do these things define you? Melina Sharpe and Orlando Ramos were each raised on the edge of two disparate cultures. Melina is the Hearing child of Deaf parents, and Orlando is the American-born son of Cuban immigrants.
Melina, a Juilliard trained jazz pianist, lives and works on the Upper West side of Manhattan. She works for her friend and mentor, Louie Ayers, a crusty old blues musician. Now long past retirement age, Louie has been asking Melina to take over his piano tuning business for the last three years. A request that has been steadfastly refused. Melina does have one secret pleasure. She hasn't completely given up her life as a musician and plays regularly at the "open mic" nights in small bars and clubs throughout the city. She can't let herself believe this means anything, having internalized what she was told by a former boyfriend about not being "good enough." Fluent in Sign (her first language), fluent in music, a young American woman unsure of herself in plain English.
Orlando is the successful manager and owner of a chic private cigar club; Club Cohiba. He is the very definition of responsible, an educated, upstanding citizen working side by side with his parents, Estella and Gilberto Ramos. Orlando's life is what he wants, a perfect blend of Cuban roots and American upbringing. The one area that's lacking is his love life. His mother tells him it's time to get serious and settle down. Privately, he agrees with her, but the women he has been dating don't inspire thoughts of permanence and babies.
Orlando is a regular client of Louie's, and Melina is often the one to show up for the frequent tunings required for the club's grand piano. On the surface, they have nothing in common. He likes his suits and ties, and he can't understand why his mother likes her: frayed jeans, multiple piercings, and all. Melina can't help being overly aware of him. He is the man leading roles are made of. He's sophisticated, elegant, and h-o-t. As fate and business find them together with increasing frequency, they discover mutual interests, and growing desire.
Louie calls in a marker and presses Melina to perform in Club Cohiba, and Orlando finds himself drawn to her, physically and emotionally. He's blown away by the powerful, sexy woman revealed through her music. This irritating young piano tuner is a chameleon, and it's more than just the addition of feminine accents: make-up, dress, and heels. Melina, too, recognizes a strong sexual attraction, the start of an attachment that frightens her. She agrees to explore their relationship--with strict boundaries--at the same time allowing Louie to coax her further back into the world of music and performing, certain she will be hurt by both in the end. She begins to share bits about her background with Orlando, feeling sure he will decide she isn't what he wants. Along with flaming passion, she discovers laughter and fun with this charming man.
When her mother is seriously injured in a car accident, Melina goes to her hometown in upstate New York. Surrounded by her Deaf family, Melina is thrust back into her childhood role of interpreter, liaison, and outcast. There is much more to being deaf than a lack of hearing; there is an entire Deaf culture. The world she was raised in and will always be a part of, but separated from, by the incidental fact of being hearing. She decides to stop fighting what seems to be her fate, and accept responsibility by taking on the piano tuning business.
Orlando's doubts about the relationship surface during their time apart. His Cuban heritage has influenced him in fundamental ways, not least of which is a profound sense of alienation. He too spends his life straddling two worlds. Much of his life has been spent awaiting a return to the Cuba his parents left behind. One foot in his parents' past, the Cuba of high society landowners whose children married other members of the Cuban elite. The other foot in American values, tripping his way through the superficial fast lane of statuesque New York models. Unlike other first born generations of Latin immigrants, there were no idyllic childhood summers spent in his ancestors' land, no family vacations sharing the special places of his parents' hearts. The experience of Cuban immigrants in the first wave to come to America when Castro took power was different than that of most immigrants. They didn't expect to be permanent political exiles, and had been robbed of property and social position.
Louie rejects Melina's offer to take over the business, instead pushing her to expand her career as a performer, and continue to take some risks. Beginning to accept herself as the musician she is, Melina also starts to see the woman she wants to be. In doing so, she tells Orlando she can no longer accept their relationship as it stands--going nowhere. Louie dies of a sudden heart attack, and she is devastated, feeling she has lost the one person whose love she doesn't need to question. Her fragile sense of control shifts, but her sense of purpose deepens. Louie makes it clear, post-mortem, the control over her life is hers by leaving her the business, to sell or keep as she chooses.
Orlando faces his youthful fantasies, and accepts that the image in his mind, of a woman who is no more than a reflection of himself, Cuban heritage and all, may not be where his happiness lies. Perhaps this is why he avoids dating women who might come close. Maybe (she) doesn't need to have had the exact same experiences to understand old hurts.
Melina and Orlando each struggle to find their place, and discover who they are. Through allowing each other into their respective worlds, they are able to recognize their kindred spirits and need to belong. Orlando learns to accept his position in life by deciding what he is willing to give up. Melina learns to take gracefully, and that accepting a hand up doesn't accept loss, but rather, true gains. As their love grows, so does their understanding and respect of each other, themselves, and recognition that where they belong is together.
This is less a synopsis than a character study. You’ve got four events: Melina tunes the piano at Club Cohiba; Melina performs at Club Cohiba; Melina goes to upstate New York; Louie dies.
What you have here is a compelling set up but it makes me think the novel is all interior dialogue. I hope that’s not the case.
How you are raised and your cultural background shape the person you become. But do these things define you? Melina Sharpe and Orlando Ramos were each raised on the edge of two disparate cultures. Melina is the Hearing child of Deaf parents, and Orlando is the American-born son of Cuban immigrants.
Melina, a Juilliard trained jazz pianist, lives and works on the Upper West side of Manhattan. She works for her friend and mentor, Louie Ayers, a crusty old blues musician. Now long past retirement age, Louie has been asking Melina to take over his piano tuning business for the last three years. A request that has been steadfastly refused. Melina does have one secret pleasure. She hasn't completely given up her life as a musician and plays regularly at the "open mic" nights in small bars and clubs throughout the city. She can't let herself believe this means anything, having internalized what she was told by a former boyfriend about not being "good enough." Fluent in Sign (her first language), fluent in music, a young American woman unsure of herself in plain English.
Orlando is the successful manager and owner of a chic private cigar club; Club Cohiba. He is the very definition of responsible, an educated, upstanding citizen working side by side with his parents, Estella and Gilberto Ramos. Orlando's life is what he wants, a perfect blend of Cuban roots and American upbringing. The one area that's lacking is his love life. His mother tells him it's time to get serious and settle down. Privately, he agrees with her, but the women he has been dating don't inspire thoughts of permanence and babies.
Orlando is a regular client of Louie's, and Melina is often the one to show up for the frequent tunings required for the club's grand piano. On the surface, they have nothing in common. He likes his suits and ties, and he can't understand why his mother likes her: frayed jeans, multiple piercings, and all. Melina can't help being overly aware of him. He is the man leading roles are made of. He's sophisticated, elegant, and h-o-t. As fate and business find them together with increasing frequency, they discover mutual interests, and growing desire.
Louie calls in a marker and presses Melina to perform in Club Cohiba, and Orlando finds himself drawn to her, physically and emotionally. He's blown away by the powerful, sexy woman revealed through her music. This irritating young piano tuner is a chameleon, and it's more than just the addition of feminine accents: make-up, dress, and heels. Melina, too, recognizes a strong sexual attraction, the start of an attachment that frightens her. She agrees to explore their relationship--with strict boundaries--at the same time allowing Louie to coax her further back into the world of music and performing, certain she will be hurt by both in the end. She begins to share bits about her background with Orlando, feeling sure he will decide she isn't what he wants. Along with flaming passion, she discovers laughter and fun with this charming man.
When her mother is seriously injured in a car accident, Melina goes to her hometown in upstate New York. Surrounded by her Deaf family, Melina is thrust back into her childhood role of interpreter, liaison, and outcast. There is much more to being deaf than a lack of hearing; there is an entire Deaf culture. The world she was raised in and will always be a part of, but separated from, by the incidental fact of being hearing. She decides to stop fighting what seems to be her fate, and accept responsibility by taking on the piano tuning business.
Orlando's doubts about the relationship surface during their time apart. His Cuban heritage has influenced him in fundamental ways, not least of which is a profound sense of alienation. He too spends his life straddling two worlds. Much of his life has been spent awaiting a return to the Cuba his parents left behind. One foot in his parents' past, the Cuba of high society landowners whose children married other members of the Cuban elite. The other foot in American values, tripping his way through the superficial fast lane of statuesque New York models. Unlike other first born generations of Latin immigrants, there were no idyllic childhood summers spent in his ancestors' land, no family vacations sharing the special places of his parents' hearts. The experience of Cuban immigrants in the first wave to come to America when Castro took power was different than that of most immigrants. They didn't expect to be permanent political exiles, and had been robbed of property and social position.
Louie rejects Melina's offer to take over the business, instead pushing her to expand her career as a performer, and continue to take some risks. Beginning to accept herself as the musician she is, Melina also starts to see the woman she wants to be. In doing so, she tells Orlando she can no longer accept their relationship as it stands--going nowhere. Louie dies of a sudden heart attack, and she is devastated, feeling she has lost the one person whose love she doesn't need to question. Her fragile sense of control shifts, but her sense of purpose deepens. Louie makes it clear, post-mortem, the control over her life is hers by leaving her the business, to sell or keep as she chooses.
Orlando faces his youthful fantasies, and accepts that the image in his mind, of a woman who is no more than a reflection of himself, Cuban heritage and all, may not be where his happiness lies. Perhaps this is why he avoids dating women who might come close. Maybe (she) doesn't need to have had the exact same experiences to understand old hurts.
Melina and Orlando each struggle to find their place, and discover who they are. Through allowing each other into their respective worlds, they are able to recognize their kindred spirits and need to belong. Orlando learns to accept his position in life by deciding what he is willing to give up. Melina learns to take gracefully, and that accepting a hand up doesn't accept loss, but rather, true gains. As their love grows, so does their understanding and respect of each other, themselves, and recognition that where they belong is together.
This is less a synopsis than a character study. You’ve got four events: Melina tunes the piano at Club Cohiba; Melina performs at Club Cohiba; Melina goes to upstate New York; Louie dies.
What you have here is a compelling set up but it makes me think the novel is all interior dialogue. I hope that’s not the case.
#81 Crapometer
genre: inspirational (Christian) contemporary women's fiction.
All Angela Williams wants is a family-a normal family unlike what she had as a child. But after three miscarriages, she isn't sure if she'll ever carry a child to term and Angela decides to gain her family through other means. But, when she attempts to convince her husband they should adopt, he counters by suggesting that they need therapy to deal with the trauma of the miscarriages.
Fourteen-year-old Diana Russam thinks she has the perfect life until her older boyfriend talks her into sex and she immediately regrets it. She starts having dark thoughts about what her family with think of her, so she plans to keep it a secret. When her brother reveals that he knows the truth, Diana lets him believe that was raped.
Unexpectedly, Angela's mother calls to say that she's dying and she wants to see Angela to rebuild their broken relationship. After some deliberation, Angela and her husband decide to go to dinner with her mother. As the evening progresses, Angela must scramble to keep the secret in her past hidden from her husband. In order to distract him, Angela agrees to counseling with the pastor of their church.
When Diana discovers she's pregnant, her father is outraged and tries to force her into an abortion. Diana refuses and, with her brother's help, she arranges to have the pastor of a local church help her with a private adoption. He agrees to set up a meeting with a couple who may want to adopt the child, but he tells Diana that she has to tell her father about it. The pastor also tells Diana that he knows she wasn't raped and he gives her a Bible with a list of Scriptures to read.
Angela's counseling sessions are more intense than she expected, and she reveals more of her past than she wants to, but she manages to deflect the pastor and her husband from uncovering her secret. When the pastor mentions a young lady is looking for parents to adopt her unborn child, her husband, Paul, is so pleased with her progress that he agrees to the meeting.
Diana needs to tell her father about the adoption meeting, but she doesn't know what to say. She procrastinates by reading the Bible the pastor gave her and is struck by a verse saying "there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus". She prays and becomes a Christian. When she tells her father about the meeting, he decides to come and meet the prospective adoptive parents.
At the meeting, they are shocked to discover that Angela and Diana's father, Mark, are co-workers. He questions Angela's fitness as a parent and the meeting ends in confusion when Diana reveals she wasn't raped.
Mark knows Angela through his work, and must know something about her that isn't said here. Leaving out details can lead to some odd conclusions like: she's unfit to be a parent because she works with him?
Angela convinces Paul that they should adopt Diana's child. As they work through the legal process, Angela continues to attempt rebuilding a healthy relationship with her mother. Meanwhile, Diana is overwhelmed by school rumors concerning her pregnancy and the lack of support from her father, and she begins cutting to find emotional release. When her brother's best friend dies in a car crash and he withdraws from her as well, Diana cuts too deep and loses a lot of blood. She is rushed to the hospital, and she is in danger of losing the baby.
Angela is devastated when she hears about Diana's hospitalization. Mark tells her that Diana has to have an abortion for medical reasons. Because Paul is out of town, Angela seeks comfort from her mother, who tells her that maybe God is seeking justice for the sins Angela committed as a teenager.
As Diana's condition stabilizes, Mark tells her that Angela is no longer willing to adopt the baby. He tells her that he is concerned about her physical and mental health, and that he has started proceedings to declare her incompetent to make her own medical decisions. Mark says he is certain that he'll gain control over her medical affairs, but he doesn't want to drag her through court. He promises Diana that if she consents to an abortion, he will stop the legal process.
Convinced that everything happening is her fault, Angela confesses her part in her father's death twenty years ago. Paul is angry that she kept that a secret from him and tells her that he is glad they're not adopting Diana's child and that he doesn't think they should start a family now. Angela goes back to her mother and blames her for destroying any chance she had at getting a family. They have a major blow-out and Angela reveals that she was protecting her younger sister from their father's lecherous attack. Her mother is forced to re-evaluate her idea of what happened and apologizes to Angela.
Diana's ex-boyfriend and his father, a lawyer, come to visit Diana in the hospital. She explains her father's proposition and discovers that her father has no case and is manipulating her.
Angela surrenders her desire to have a family to God, and then she receives a tearful phone call from Diana. She wants to know if Angela still wants to adopt the baby or if her father was telling the truth. Angela admits that she wants the child very much, but she doesn't think they'll be able to adopt. Paul overhears the conversation and tells Diana that they will adopt her child. He tells Angela that her mother explained what happened. Angela asks for his forgiveness and agrees to stay in therapy to deal with the issues of her childhood.
When her father arrives at the hospital the next morning, Diana tells him she knows about his scheme and she refuses to have the abortion. She contacts the pastor and asks for his help to find another family to stay with until she has the baby.
This is a pretty straightforward rendition of events. We don’t get much sense of why Mark is so manipulative. What's he concerned about that he's lying all over the place?
What I notice here is that most of the the men are bad guys. Did you pick up on that? The closest we come to ”good guys” are Angela’s ex boyfriend and his father the lawyer who clue her in to her father’s shenanigans. Maybe the synopsis format forced you to remove nuance, or inner conflict?
One of the things I don’t like about “christian fiction” is everyone ends up making “the right choices”. One of the most powerful things about a loving god who freely bestows grace is that it’s there for people who make WRONG choices. I think this would be a much more powerful story if Diana actively considers abortion. If you know you can be forgiven, why NOT do the easy thing? Seeing her struggle with a full range of choices would be much more interesting to me, but I’m also not your target reader.
And I want to kick Angela’s mother in her smug little mouth. I just might, too and pray for forgiveness later.
All Angela Williams wants is a family-a normal family unlike what she had as a child. But after three miscarriages, she isn't sure if she'll ever carry a child to term and Angela decides to gain her family through other means. But, when she attempts to convince her husband they should adopt, he counters by suggesting that they need therapy to deal with the trauma of the miscarriages.
Fourteen-year-old Diana Russam thinks she has the perfect life until her older boyfriend talks her into sex and she immediately regrets it. She starts having dark thoughts about what her family with think of her, so she plans to keep it a secret. When her brother reveals that he knows the truth, Diana lets him believe that was raped.
Unexpectedly, Angela's mother calls to say that she's dying and she wants to see Angela to rebuild their broken relationship. After some deliberation, Angela and her husband decide to go to dinner with her mother. As the evening progresses, Angela must scramble to keep the secret in her past hidden from her husband. In order to distract him, Angela agrees to counseling with the pastor of their church.
When Diana discovers she's pregnant, her father is outraged and tries to force her into an abortion. Diana refuses and, with her brother's help, she arranges to have the pastor of a local church help her with a private adoption. He agrees to set up a meeting with a couple who may want to adopt the child, but he tells Diana that she has to tell her father about it. The pastor also tells Diana that he knows she wasn't raped and he gives her a Bible with a list of Scriptures to read.
Angela's counseling sessions are more intense than she expected, and she reveals more of her past than she wants to, but she manages to deflect the pastor and her husband from uncovering her secret. When the pastor mentions a young lady is looking for parents to adopt her unborn child, her husband, Paul, is so pleased with her progress that he agrees to the meeting.
Diana needs to tell her father about the adoption meeting, but she doesn't know what to say. She procrastinates by reading the Bible the pastor gave her and is struck by a verse saying "there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus". She prays and becomes a Christian. When she tells her father about the meeting, he decides to come and meet the prospective adoptive parents.
At the meeting, they are shocked to discover that Angela and Diana's father, Mark, are co-workers. He questions Angela's fitness as a parent and the meeting ends in confusion when Diana reveals she wasn't raped.
Mark knows Angela through his work, and must know something about her that isn't said here. Leaving out details can lead to some odd conclusions like: she's unfit to be a parent because she works with him?
Angela convinces Paul that they should adopt Diana's child. As they work through the legal process, Angela continues to attempt rebuilding a healthy relationship with her mother. Meanwhile, Diana is overwhelmed by school rumors concerning her pregnancy and the lack of support from her father, and she begins cutting to find emotional release. When her brother's best friend dies in a car crash and he withdraws from her as well, Diana cuts too deep and loses a lot of blood. She is rushed to the hospital, and she is in danger of losing the baby.
Angela is devastated when she hears about Diana's hospitalization. Mark tells her that Diana has to have an abortion for medical reasons. Because Paul is out of town, Angela seeks comfort from her mother, who tells her that maybe God is seeking justice for the sins Angela committed as a teenager.
As Diana's condition stabilizes, Mark tells her that Angela is no longer willing to adopt the baby. He tells her that he is concerned about her physical and mental health, and that he has started proceedings to declare her incompetent to make her own medical decisions. Mark says he is certain that he'll gain control over her medical affairs, but he doesn't want to drag her through court. He promises Diana that if she consents to an abortion, he will stop the legal process.
Convinced that everything happening is her fault, Angela confesses her part in her father's death twenty years ago. Paul is angry that she kept that a secret from him and tells her that he is glad they're not adopting Diana's child and that he doesn't think they should start a family now. Angela goes back to her mother and blames her for destroying any chance she had at getting a family. They have a major blow-out and Angela reveals that she was protecting her younger sister from their father's lecherous attack. Her mother is forced to re-evaluate her idea of what happened and apologizes to Angela.
Diana's ex-boyfriend and his father, a lawyer, come to visit Diana in the hospital. She explains her father's proposition and discovers that her father has no case and is manipulating her.
Angela surrenders her desire to have a family to God, and then she receives a tearful phone call from Diana. She wants to know if Angela still wants to adopt the baby or if her father was telling the truth. Angela admits that she wants the child very much, but she doesn't think they'll be able to adopt. Paul overhears the conversation and tells Diana that they will adopt her child. He tells Angela that her mother explained what happened. Angela asks for his forgiveness and agrees to stay in therapy to deal with the issues of her childhood.
When her father arrives at the hospital the next morning, Diana tells him she knows about his scheme and she refuses to have the abortion. She contacts the pastor and asks for his help to find another family to stay with until she has the baby.
This is a pretty straightforward rendition of events. We don’t get much sense of why Mark is so manipulative. What's he concerned about that he's lying all over the place?
What I notice here is that most of the the men are bad guys. Did you pick up on that? The closest we come to ”good guys” are Angela’s ex boyfriend and his father the lawyer who clue her in to her father’s shenanigans. Maybe the synopsis format forced you to remove nuance, or inner conflict?
One of the things I don’t like about “christian fiction” is everyone ends up making “the right choices”. One of the most powerful things about a loving god who freely bestows grace is that it’s there for people who make WRONG choices. I think this would be a much more powerful story if Diana actively considers abortion. If you know you can be forgiven, why NOT do the easy thing? Seeing her struggle with a full range of choices would be much more interesting to me, but I’m also not your target reader.
And I want to kick Angela’s mother in her smug little mouth. I just might, too and pray for forgiveness later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
